If you are someone who doesn’t reply…

[EmeraldRoulette]

… or constantly says “we must meet up” but doesn’t mean it..

I’m interested to know what you think about this.

There’s been a couple of posts on here recently that have got me thinking a lot about this. Also, I was listening to a podcast bye Mel Robbins and she actually said something like “if you never hear from me, it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. If you have a crisis, you can call me. I would show up at your funeral”.

the last one in particular really pissed me off because frankly there are people who I wouldn’t want at my funeral now! And they would expect to turn up and do all the fake tears and say “oh my God, I am so shocked” when they couldn’t even be bothered to reply to messages.

I don’t know why these people turn up to funerals. Do they think the food will be good?!

With regards to the former, it sounds like a complete copout. If you have not replied to my messages for ages and I’ve given up messaging, how on earth do you expect to be the person I call if I need help?! I presume they don’t really expect that.

And perhaps this is just something people tell themselves to feel better? And I suppose it makes for a good podcast!

So I wouldn’t normally take it too seriously, but I see so much of it on here, I would be really interested to hear from people who feel the way she does. Is it a question of just casually caring about people like in the sense that I know a few people working in the local supermarket and I chat to them and I would be very sorry if something happened to them, but I don’t consider them to be my friends. Part of the local community for sure.

Is that how people see friends now?

For me, it's wrapped up in neurodiversity and mental health struggles. I feel sad about the friendships I've lost over it, really sad. I have two friends now who absolutely understand and I'm really thankful for them but it doesn't mean I don't care about those I've lost touch with

@Imogensmith I nearly said to exclude those things but I didn’t want people to feel excluded!

This won’t be the explanation for everyone though. And sorry but I was two decades in mental health treatment and only my family and best friend knew. I realise everyone is affected differently though.

It’s never affected me interacting with others in the sense that I always keep appointments and reply to people. I have never gone off grid.

That's great for you.
You asked for points of view and that's mine. I tried to commit suicide when my eldest was a baby, I felt like nobody really 'got' me after that. That's when my ASD was diagnosed. Nobody other than a very select few know about my diagnosis so people probably think I'm just rude.

Sorry just read that and think it might sound sarcastic. Didn't mean to come across that way. (I'll go and overthink that for the rest of the evening now)

I wish I knew this too

It won’t be everyone who is affected by mental health reasons, no. But I will say that I don’t think I have a single friend who isn’t affected by anxiety and doesn’t procrastinate or forget to reply because of it. It’s prevalent right now.

I reply most of the time, but I’m sure I’ve still got friends who’d say that I don’t reply often or fast enough; even though I consider them friends and would be devastated if something happened to them. I just get buried under everything else that I have to do each day, and their notifications get buried under 9 million others that need my attention, and I’ve always got the best intentions to find time and send them a decent reply, and it’s just somehow never as fast as I want it to be. And there’s always a reason - toddler has my phone, I was at work, I’m on a call, I need to look at my calendar, something important distracted me, I forgot to look in the evening, I fell asleep at 7pm when the toddler did, etc… but I’m aware it’s absolutely shit for the other person and it’s something that I genuinely try to be better at and it keeps me up at night. Ironically.

I am so fed up of everything being blamed on anxiety. Contrary to MN, the whole world doesn't have anxiety.

I think I know what you're saying; I've seen a few posts lately about people who don't do what you expect them to do, and whether it's fair to cut them off, presumably because they're not pleasing you? I've struggled to reply... I hope this comes across kindly; the person who isn't responding may be going through all sorts of things you know nothing about/can't relate to. Their response is likely not "about you". We all know now, you can't change other people, you can only change your response to their behavior. AKA "You can't change the people around you, but you can change the people around you..." When I've struggled with getting out and generally being around people, I've tried to explain. I have a few really good friends who will continue to invite me to things, knowing I probably won't come, and they know my behavior is not about them, but more about what I'm going through. And I try to remember to thank them for inviting me, as one day I hope I'll feel able to come. We're not all there yet, and if you feel you should cut someone out of your life for not doing what you want them to do that may be fair, but might be good to bear this in mind xx

I’m not sure what you’re asking but I don’t always respond to messages, often because they arrive when I’m busy and I forget to respond later.

I also hibernate occasionally when I’m struggling.

I understand that people have other things going on than my messages and I’m sure my friends are the same. We don’t need to reply immediately or consistently in order for us to be friends.

It’s not completely clear what you’re asking, but I’m assuming that you want to know why people don’t reply to messages or say ‘we must meet up’ but never get round to it.

As someone has already said, it can be due to life being busy so you might mean to reply to a message when you have a moment, but it slips off your radar as you have other things to do or don’t have the energy. When I compare my life to my mum’s, she was a SAHM for a few years then only worked part-time, as was the norm then (80s-90s). She had plenty of time to see friends during the week as they usually worked part-time too. With more parents both working, everything else gets crammed into the weekend so there’s less time to meet up with friends in between getting everything done. The expectation that you’ll reply to messages straight away is also annoying.

But I also think it’s partly because messaging allows us to keep in touch with people you perhaps wouldn’t have kept in touch with prior to mobiles and text messaging. Is the person you’re messaging someone who you would have called and chatted to in the landline days? I feel like messaging has created a new level of friendship that’s above acquaintance but below full friendship. So messages are sporadic and while I might agree that we should meet up, it’s likely to be low priority.

For sooo many years I was always the instigator of 'checking in' and it was mostly with old friends from my teens - I'm loyal to a fault & love these people but I think people started to expect me to check in periodically. I'd offer an evening out or catch up time & inevitably it would get postponed or something and so I just stopped.

I hear from these people very occasionally now, (saw more of them when I lived in an other country), but do get hurt by the micro rejections. I feel like I've started to prefer the newer friends who I've less expectations of.

If you can't be arsed to put in the minimum effort to make time for a cuppa even a few times a year when you live within 10 minutes of your friends then something is up. I get that everyone is busy but we've all got the same 24 hours in a day so spend your time with people who want to spend their time with you

I go through periods of not replying to people and I really don't know why. It's not because I don't care about them, and if they called me with a crisis I would absolutely move heaven and earth to help them. But I get periods where my habit of procrastination gets all caught up with inexplicable anxiety at replying to messages, often when I'm really busy and stressed, and I just can't seem to manage it. Thankfully my friends and family accept that this is how I am, although no doubt it has impacted some potential friendships. I wish I could stop it.

To clarify for those asking

would you attend the funeral of someone whose messages you had ignored for years? Also, would you genuinely feel that they could call you in a crisis?
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Thank you for the replies. That’s a really interesting point about messaging. I suspect if some people had to make a phone call, they might never ask for your number in the first place.

I am not talking about anyone specific. Just the whole “land of lost friends” as described to me by a new acquaintance the other day.

As I said in my first post, the thing that really struck me was Mel saying “I care about you. I would be at your funeral.” I mean, what the hell is the point of being at my funeral if you haven’t managed to meet up in the last few years ? FFS I’m dead!

I see posters are saying that they don’t reply but would still be there in a crisis. How would your friends know that? surely after a period of time they assume they are unwanted? So if they’re alone in hospital with no one to visit, they’re not going to call and ask you for help. To me that seems entirely logical. Why would I call someone for help if they haven’t replied to me for ages?

would you attend the funeral of someone whose messages you had ignored for years?

If we hadn’t fallen out but just not communicated because we were busy, yes.

Also, would you genuinely feel that they could call you in a crisis?

Yes, and they have. I have a friend of 35 years who we can go months or years without speaking. But when she’s struggling, has a bereavement, has marital issues I’m one of the first people that she calls

Obviously, I make allowances for people who have a lot going on. One of my close friend's dad has just died. She hasn;t been replying to my messages. So that's fine, as she has her hands full.

But I am not going to buy that everyone has stuff going on all of the time for most of the year. If such is indeed the case, I would rather make friends who have more time for me, and can put in some effort. If your life is that busy busy busy that you can barely reply, you are not the friend for me.

I find I think differently about friends who live far away. I'm not overly fond of long texts and don't like phone calls much so there's a few folk who I see about annually irl & those catch ups are good. There's effort put in to keep the connection.

For me it's the lack of effort of nearby friends - I certainly don't need a response to a general message quickly but you can tell if someone is interested in you or not & if life is hectic, surely someone can find 30 seconds in about a week to say 'lovely to hear from you, things are manic right now but will drop you a line when it's quietened down, hope all's good'. But only if you mean it-life's too short!

Funeral attendance is weird-it's a massive thing here in NI to show respect, (very different to England). I wouldn't call people who didn't show an interest in me in an emergency unless I was really desperate

I've been pondering this recently too, from a different perspective - I know a couple of friends/family who make mean comments about people "not being there for them" (whatever that actually means in practical terms), or saying things like "If people don't bother with me I won't bother with them," and then sit back and never lift a finger to call or message ANYONE until those people they are maligning contact them first.

It makes me very reluctant to chase them because perhaps they don't want to hear from me at all. Smartphones have put people under a lot of pressure.

That said - I always respond to messages, I never leave anyone on read. But if I haven't messaged in a while it doesn't mean I don't care or don't think of you. I do think of you, I just don't have the time for a protracted text convo which is what it inevitably turns into.

Feel people so flaky now. No loyalty. You get tired of it. Nobody replies to messages.

I think your last sentence is the wisest thing anyone has said on here so far. If you have different priorities and values in relation to messages you have the right to decide whether you want to maintain the friendship or let it end.

If I had a friend who was (in my view) demanding and needy in relation to messages, I’d find that stifling and be happy to let it go.

I had an experience where I nearly died, thought I might still die, text my "best friend/sister I never had/godmothers to each others children/chief bridesmaids/baby shower hoster etc" from the hospital to let her know the situation and she left me on read for nearly a month. We'd usually see each other at least once a week.

Didn't make any attempt to contact my DH or family for an update. Her sister in law heard from their mother in law (who she'd told) and her and a niece both came to my house to visit long before she ever acknowledged it. The only thing worse than thinking my number was up, was thinking that my best friend couldn't be arsed to make any contact with me and had read and thought, "can't really be arsed to reply to that." I was pretty heartbroken and it didn't help me to recover.

Anyway, she's become a terrible texter. Takes a month/six weeks to get back and I've gone through what I've assumed was the slow fade multiple times and given up only for her to return from the dead with a grovelling and increasingly far fetched apology...I mean dogs licking phones and deleting messages, broken phones, eye infections where she couldn't see, husband/kids/postman accidentally deleting messages right before she pressed send, random cloud/wifi/whatsapp not working and a series of hysterical reasons that mean it's been absolutely impossible for her to text. If I am to believe her it's been several years since she has sat down or slept. Our conversations now are pretty much a monologue of all the million reasons she hasn't been in touch, meaning when we are in touch the conversation is one sided and boring now.

When we see each other after an age of not responding (she usually gatecrashes another meet up with mutual friends, or mine or her relatives that I arranged because she's "desperate to see me") she expects that I should just be able to be normal with her. When I've been really fucking hurt, multiple times. I've also been worried sick about her, thinking she's cracking up or in some sort of problem, reached out and found out she's been "fine, just didn't get round to it".

I've given up messaging her, then will get a text, "haven't heard from you for a while...I love and miss you. Are you offended with me?" and I'll text back "I tried contacting you three times a month ago and you never replied." then get something as far fetched as "yeah, we've all had small pox and next doors two week old deleted all the contacts so we had to wait for the tornado to pass to get to the Highlands to visit the only O2 shop which deals with this iphone as it's a special edition".

I don't know wtf it's about and I've tried other options, given up thinking she wants out, made as much effort as I can but there comes a point where it's just mind boggling and ultimately very hurtful as in the situation I opened with.

I find it very rude.

I'm ND and have executive function problems that are severe. When sending a long response is overwhelming, I at least text to say, "Meg, I'm so sorry that I've not text back properly last night but please know I am thinking of you and will be in touch by the end of the week when I can give you the sort of attention it deserves. Also please let me know if a cuppa would be better for you and you need to chat in person as you can come over this weekend anytime x"

Ignoring a person for an extended period repeatedly, whether people consciously realise they are doing it or not, is sending a clear message that they don't matter to you.

It's becoming more common. Other excuses I get a lot are very like what Mel Robbins says and along the lines of "I LOVE you and think about you all the time, I'm just a shit texter/peri menopausal/menopausal/post menopausal/tired/stressed/forgetful/ditzy/loved up/have a puppy/" etc

Then in another breath, complaining that they have no friends anymore and ABSOLUTELY NO TIME but telling me they binge watched 24 episodes of something on Netflix in one weekend or spent a whole day buying stuff on Prime etc.

It's like people have forgotten that friendship takes effort. People just seem to be disposable now. I hate how much the ability to connect has been eroded.

I am your friend. I will fight tooth and nail for you and will be there in a heartbeat.
I trust that our friendship is secure enough not to need constant messages and that you'll 'get' if I sometimes don't reply. It's not a slight to you, it's just I get caught up in life.

Obviously there are extremes that are beyond fair. I'd not ignore someone for years etc.

I get more annoyed the other way. So many people reply after a few days apologising. I don't need that pressure and I don't apply it either - these friends have young kids, busy jobs. It's fine. Relax, i am not demanding your attention right away. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere, I'm not offended.

The reasons for not replying might include anxiety but the sentiment is 'secure attachment'.

@Imogensmith does this mean you don't have friends who have their own mental health struggles? Because if neither of you ever message/make contact then there is no relationship is there?

I have GAD (diagnosed) which causes massive mental health struggles for me. But I realise that my friends are also going through a tough time and I make an effort and message and reply. Always.

I think its really selfish to have a one way relationship and blame your anxiety. I have acalles a long term friend out in this recently and she has got better, I feel she's making a effort now. But we'll see if it continues.

So most of my friends are my age, in their fifties or late forties. Our DC are grown. Many of them work part time. Our parents do not yet need our attention, thiough they will do soon. Therefore I do not think responding to messages- not immediately but at some point- or meeting up occasionally is too much to ask.

That’s great that you know your boundaries and expectations. I know mine too and I’m happy with those. We wouldn’t make good friends though as we’re not compatible

I don't think we would be @FunIsland. ! I don;t see the point of friendships where people say " I would be at your side in a heartbeat if your Dh died/ you had an accident/ you got burgled" because how often does that happen? I think friendships for me now are about actuallly meeting people and making a bit of an effort, not just SM likes. Of course, it was different when DC were little, but now none of my friends have small children.