If you are someone who doesn’t reply…

[EmeraldRoulette]

… or constantly says “we must meet up” but doesn’t mean it..

I’m interested to know what you think about this.

There’s been a couple of posts on here recently that have got me thinking a lot about this. Also, I was listening to a podcast bye Mel Robbins and she actually said something like “if you never hear from me, it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. If you have a crisis, you can call me. I would show up at your funeral”.

the last one in particular really pissed me off because frankly there are people who I wouldn’t want at my funeral now! And they would expect to turn up and do all the fake tears and say “oh my God, I am so shocked” when they couldn’t even be bothered to reply to messages.

I don’t know why these people turn up to funerals. Do they think the food will be good?!

With regards to the former, it sounds like a complete copout. If you have not replied to my messages for ages and I’ve given up messaging, how on earth do you expect to be the person I call if I need help?! I presume they don’t really expect that.

And perhaps this is just something people tell themselves to feel better? And I suppose it makes for a good podcast!

So I wouldn’t normally take it too seriously, but I see so much of it on here, I would be really interested to hear from people who feel the way she does. Is it a question of just casually caring about people like in the sense that I know a few people working in the local supermarket and I chat to them and I would be very sorry if something happened to them, but I don’t consider them to be my friends. Part of the local community for sure.

Is that how people see friends now?

I'm glad it's helped you.

Sometimes a text from a person can feel like the straw to break the camel's back.

When I read this, I found it really sad that this was your reaction to a friend being a friend and making contact. A text shouldn't be such an overwhelming thing, like a threat really.

Maybe it's a sign that life has got out of control and balance and you are living in fight or flight mode?

I say “we must meet up” but I’m busy! struggling to keep my head above water single parenting and working full time.
j do absolutely mean it. I’m also not great at organising dates and some of my friends are as bad as me so it just doesn’t happen!

I can relate to feeling like it's the straw that breaks the camel's back and yes, it's definitely because life got out of control @PerkyMintDeer. As a lone, widowed, working parent of three young children, texts from friends began to feel like yet another thing on my to-do list. It's sad but I began to resent the expectation that I would reply quickly. It felt like even more people were wanting a piece of me. It genuinely became more important that I prioritise the actual life going on in front of me, and my own mental health. If friends couldn't recognise that and didn't stick around and be patient, then clearly they couldn't empathise. If they weren't close enough to know that they were the ones to be in my house drinking wine and grieving alongside me, then they weren't my priority. Sounds harsh, I know. Now that I'm beginning to emerge from the fog of all that, I only really want those closest people around me. That's sad, but it's life. Sometimes you have to let people go.

Tbh, if a friend kept saying "we must meet up" but we never actually met, I am not sure how I would ever have the confidence to ask them for help in a crisis. I would feel awkward.

I had a 'must meet up sometime' non responding friend.

Shes not my friend any longer

I couldn't be arsed being the one to make all the effort to get nothing in return and found it hurtful. Clearly she wasn’t really my friend and it was affecting my sense of dignity so I stopped contacting her and guess what, we haven't seen each other since.
Actions truly do speak louder than words.

@Lentilweaver exactly. My friend of 35 years has a really busy job, no dc but time consuming animals. I've seen her once this year & been the same for quite a few years-she doesn't have time for keeping in touch by text either. You can't sustain an honestly good friendship on such snippets. I could walk to her house in 5-6 minutes! I love her & wish her well but feel it's phony when she gets drunk & says I'm her best friend in the world.

Definitely the best thing is to spend time with those who bring out the best in you. If someone I haven't seen in a year would go to my funeral, then make an effort to keep some sort of connection once a year. I'd rather that than someone I hadn't seen in 5 years coming to my funeral.

I actually try to think about it at the start of a calendar quarter - if there's people who I care about that I haven't heard from in ages, check on & them as pp says match their energy. There's no way I would confide in or lean on people who don't seem interested in me day to day

Hate the vague must catch up soon too. It never happens. I stopped with time wasters too. As my friend says road runs both ways! She right though.

I get overwhelmed in social situations (most people wouldn't recognize this, and I didn't know this myself until relatively recently), I believe I'm autistic.

What does this look like? I'm not a great friend:

• I struggle to know what to talk about and keep the conversation going, I can talk about my own interest to the point of tedium for the other person.
• I use alcohol to cope in group situations (e.g. going to the pub; driking at work parties) because it helps me feel confident
• Texting regularly feel odd - how often are you supposed to text, daily? What if I have nothing to say? Do I just text and say "hi, how are you" everyday? Won't they realise I'm boring?
• ditto with meeting up. When do we meet, for what purpose? How often? What do we do? What do we talk about?
• I struggle to motivate to do life tasks outside of work. Whether this is going to the gym, seeing family, even showering I don't do often (I wfh)
• my partner is similar and, in the past, has made it awkward when I have tried to see friends. So I just don't bother now.

Essentially it's a struggle for me to leave the house, and maintaining distanced conversion is hard because I don't know what to say/have nothing to talk about.

As I've gotten older, I've done more and more internal analysis about this and feel a lot of guilt. I've lost lots of friendships over the years, they have just "fizzled out" because I'm not a good friend.

Hence, if any of those people really needed me I would be there. I still remember them and care about them deeply. I haven't replaced them, I just have 0 friends now. I get that they wouldn't chose to reach out to me. They don't know or wouldn't understand all the things above.

At the same time, I try to keep people at a distance because I know it's hard and I'm weird. I'm essentially an odd hermit. However, I imagine a lot of people wouldn't know this. But my outside is matching my inside as the years go by.

This is me. I hope this gives you some insight.

@buckeejit I too have such friends and I have decided to match energies too. I won't cut anyone off for not meeting or responding to texts but I take a step back. I can't sustain friendships meeting once a year either.

People say 'we must meet up' as a 'polite' thing. It often means nothing and they have no intention of doing it, but it looks like they're interested in you and friendly. It also keeps you on the back burner just in case you might be useful at some point. The right answer is an enthusiastic 'yes definitely!' while also knowing it will never happen. It took me well into my 30's to learn this.

Some people also love to pretend they'd be there for you in a crisis - if they are it's probably just because they want to be the hero. But if they can't even turn up for a coffee why would you ever think to turn to them in a crisis? It's all just to make themselves feel better about their poor behaviour IMO.

I'm probably ND (DS is and I recognise a lot) which means I know I'm not great in group situations. I'm better one on one but find it much easier if we're doing something that we can then also talk about rather than just meeting for a coffee for example. Also meeting a friend once a week is enough for me so I keep it to that.

Replying to a message in a way that also ends the chat is also easy, just end it with 'popping out now, hoping to avoid the rain!' or something similar to show you're not going to be available to chat further if you don't have the headspace. Then turn your phone off till you're ready to reengage with the world.

Your partner has made it awkward for you to have friends so you gave up?

Sounds like a controlling arsehole of a partner is the biggest issue you have.

@Beth216 ”The right answer is an enthusiastic 'yes definitely!' while also knowing it will never happen.”

that seems like extending the fakery, which I wouldn’t want to do.

Really interesting replies, thanks.

My friend is great would suggest a few dates to meet. Hate the flaky/non comittal ones so I leave ball in their court now if they want make plans. They dont lol

I think I'll take from this thread, in future chats with lacklustre friends, (where I feel like people are box ticking by messaging so rarely), to say let me know if you want to meet for a cuppa -x,y,z dates work for me & see what comes back. If they want to meet they'll choose one or offer an alternative.

Not everyone that is a friend is meant to be in our lives forever so maybe the season for some has just passed.

This is it. There are a million and one demands on our time and attention. Particularly when you have young kids or are a working parent.

ive lost touch with a few people since Covid: absolutely no ill feeling towards them and would be delighted to meet up with them again. But life is just so bloody busy and demanding

I'm with you, op. There's no excuse for ignoring people who are supposed to be friends.

If you're super busy, then it takes 20 seconds to message a friend to say 'sorry I'm really busy - might be off the radar for a couple of weeks. Will be in touch soon as I can!'

If you're ill, ditto.

We all have peaks and troughs in life. Times we're stretched to the limit, or have a few weeks or months of illness. Good friends let each other know where they stand. Equally, good friends then understand if you disappear for a bit.

But someone who is consistently flaky, doesn't respond to messages, suggests meeting up but never arranges it.... they're just flaky. There's no excuse. I value my friends, and even at the busiest times of life (small children + FT job + ill husband + moving house) I didn't ignore their messages, not they mine.

Answers to your questions: no and no.

Mel Robbins is a flatulent arse.

Everyone is busy though. I have 3 kids (youngest is 2, so not talking about independent teens here) and I work, have a chronic illness, husband works away regularly, have zero family support. Yet here I am, phone in hand, on Mumsnet with zero unread/unanswered WhatsApp messages, because I like to maintain my relationships. Literally everyone can make a list of things going on in their lives just like I can. And everyone who is on Mumsnet yet also saying they have no time to reply to their friends….? 🤔

Its pure flaky. Sure we all busy. I got told on here last week nobody is obliged to get back to you. Manners are lost in people now.

mumsnet is my chill and relaxation time. Too fucking right I’ll put it in front of replying to other peoples wants.

women need to stop being martyrs and put some boundaries out there.

I actually wish I never started this thread because it's given me the rage.

But it's certainly been an education. Sadly, I do think MN is quite reflective of real life.

Don't give up hope @EmeraldRoulette. There are still people out there who value your time. This weekend:

Friend whom I was planning to visit in another city after she said vaguely " do visit me" about a month ago has got back with a definite date and time. She is doing a PHD and very busy, but clearly wanted to make time for me, so I will for her.
Friend whom I messaged saying "Want to see X play" has got back immediately saying she has already seen it. No issues there. I appreciate her prompt response.

Perhaps not coincidentally, both these friends are single and child- free. ( I am neither).. I have much more luck with this demographic as they actually seem to want to see me and are not as flaky. Not that I rule anyone out but just saying..
Meanwhile, I have got my phone out and responded to another friend who messaged over the weekend asking how a particular event was, as she has been kind enough to ask.

I don't see any of this as being a martyr. I see it as looking after your friendships.

Yes alot are time wasters so I dont bother. We meeting friends next wend lads worked together so thats nice. If you dont say x date it wont happen.

@Lentilweaver i’m glad you have people who value your time. You sound lovely.

Honestly, I've got to make peace with it. Deleted three numbers today. Eight years one of them parrots “we must meet up”.

Meeting people post lockdown has been horrendous.

The “community” thread sums it up.

Maybe that’s the difference. I don’t see messaging my friend as martyrdom. Others seem to!