If you are someone who doesn’t reply…

[EmeraldRoulette]

… or constantly says “we must meet up” but doesn’t mean it..

I’m interested to know what you think about this.

There’s been a couple of posts on here recently that have got me thinking a lot about this. Also, I was listening to a podcast bye Mel Robbins and she actually said something like “if you never hear from me, it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. If you have a crisis, you can call me. I would show up at your funeral”.

the last one in particular really pissed me off because frankly there are people who I wouldn’t want at my funeral now! And they would expect to turn up and do all the fake tears and say “oh my God, I am so shocked” when they couldn’t even be bothered to reply to messages.

I don’t know why these people turn up to funerals. Do they think the food will be good?!

With regards to the former, it sounds like a complete copout. If you have not replied to my messages for ages and I’ve given up messaging, how on earth do you expect to be the person I call if I need help?! I presume they don’t really expect that.

And perhaps this is just something people tell themselves to feel better? And I suppose it makes for a good podcast!

So I wouldn’t normally take it too seriously, but I see so much of it on here, I would be really interested to hear from people who feel the way she does. Is it a question of just casually caring about people like in the sense that I know a few people working in the local supermarket and I chat to them and I would be very sorry if something happened to them, but I don’t consider them to be my friends. Part of the local community for sure.

Is that how people see friends now?

Martyrdom? Absolutely baffling.

I don’t see replying to friends as martyrdom- I consider it a privilege to have friends to reply to and I actually want to chat to them!!

that said, I have weeded out all the flakey friends, and the ones who only want to chat about themselves , and the ones who really were too demanding, so the people left are genuinely true friends.

I’ve heard someone say before on here that when someone messages you they just want attention. What a sad attitude. Maybe some people message friends because they actually care how they are?

And yes I understand about having boundaries but some people use boundaries as an excuse for everything. The same kind of people who say things like “happy mum happy baby” to justify their own selfishness.

I have an ex-friend who hasn’t visited her own mother (who she admits is lovely) for about 7 years due to “boundaries” etc, yet she’s quite happy to let her fairly elderly mother regularly travel the length of the country to help her with childcare when it suits her….. no boundaries then hey

I see it like this. My manners are not so bad that I would ignore someone if they spoke to me. So, I apply the same to messages. And I think people who don't respond to messages are ill mannered. I don't care what the reason is.

Yes its rude agree. I got a text off a friend she can meet me Sat or Monday. Its nice when people commit. Hate this crap we must meetup xxx

I suggest meeting because I genuinely want to, I usually suggest it after a glass of wine and feeling so great. But the reality of my life is I have so little time and what I have is taken up with care arrangements. I am optimistic, basically, rather than realistic.

Thinking about this thread, I believe some people genuinely want to and some don't. It's hard to figure out which is which because everyone says "Let's meet". Some even instigate and then flake out.
Then there's the third category who may genuinely want to meet but don't have time. With those, I say " ping me when your life is less busy". At this stage of my life, I match energies and I don't have the time for people who don't have time, if that makes sense!

She didn't say "if I never reply to you" she said "if you never hear from me".

I mean the bottom line is: People often have a lot of shit going on. Constant emails, constant alerts, constantly something happening and you're being torn in 100 directions. We often don't have time to catch up with friends proactively.

I have a lot of friends I don't speak to for months, and then when we do it's like we never stopped talking. They'd always call if they needed me, and i'd always call if I needed them.

Who i'm not friends with: People who are entitled and demand i'm in touch with them x times a week and who get butthurt if i'm not. I can't be doing with it.

Can we not choose to be offended over absolutely everything please. It's a little bit ridiculous.

I am not OP but I can't sustain a friendship based on a meeting once a year. Perhaps other people can. I don't really have crises, so unlikely I would call anyone for help either. I prefer regular meetings over coffee talking about nothing at all, than crises meetings ( which never happen anyway so red herrings).

I don't expect people to check in on me either or get in touch several times a week, but they could make the odd effort to meet.

I don't think it's about precious people taking offence @roses321

I love my few friends fiercely, and it really fucking hurts that they obviously don't value me in the same way. That leaves me with...no friends.

@roses321 it’s not about taking offence.

@FourToTheMFingFloor I’ve spent some time trying to process it. It keeps coming back to upset me. Not sure what steps to take to make peace with it. I think some people have no idea what prolonged isolation is like. Nor do they realise that in that situation, little interactions in the corner shop are all you have.

Well, you could dump all your old friends who never have time to eat, and make new ones. That's what I have done, and I began at 50, just after the pandemic. I have a long running thread on it but can't find it. Joined a bunch of local groups, found people who weren't as busy, and have had some success. Not made a huge number of friends, but at least a few good ones.

never have time to meet, I meant! too many typos today.

The point is, people ARE reaching out to their friends and they are being ignored. That's not a good friendship. You aren't there for someone if you don't reply and then accuse them of being entitled and demanding and offended for trying to contact you.

@Lentilweaver I have put a lot of effort into that. It hasn’t come to anything. I do think being single and child free is off putting to many. I’ve had many threads on what I might be doing wrong as I thought it was me. But it doesn’t seem to be. I won’t rehash all the theory there. Just have to figure out how to make peace with it.

There’s often talk on here that shows how easy people think it must be to make friends. I think the fact that the local community centre is facing closure is pretty telling. And no one will criticise the council because the place is unused. So can’t blame them for wanting to close it.

tellingly, the local green that I walk to is empty even on very nice days, I’m actually really surprised by that. It is really surprising because it used to be quite popular for picnics and so on. There’s a small local group trying to save it from development, but again there is no hope of that when it is clearly unused.

I think I have hit the point where I am too damaged to keep trying. I was going to say that post-lockdown wasn’t the best time to try, but you’ve had success and I am pleased for you.

@BusyCM exactly this.

@EmeraldRoulette I am very sorry to hear that. I am in London, and I think it's easier here. I have grown DC but I find talking about DC very tedious and dull., so I have no issues making friends with the child free. In fact, I prefer it.

I do think people gravitate towards social media friendships these days, and the CoL also has something to do with that. I have a very good friend who can't travel much any more as Tube fares have gone up so much, and she is on a low income. I try to travel to her if I can.

Yes not easy. I find nobody makes an effort now so months can pass. My sister has good friends but she puts in big efforts. Ive got rid of time wasters the must chat soon ones lol. Meeting his work gang sat for food so at least some still want to meet

@Lentilweaver I left London, though I still work there. I thought it would be easier here! 😂 but in spite of a big "meeting people" exercise, found a lot of flakiness, and people really do love being "online" friends only don't they?

I'll probably get flamed for this but I also think "therapy culture" is affecting all age groups and doesn't see friendship as important (amongst other things).

Today I've just done that thing of "matching someone's energy". I invited her to something tonight, had free tickets. This was last week I invited her.... No reply till 30 mins ago. I've already returned the tickets to the organiser. Sent a vague airy message to say no longer possible. I won't bother contacting her again. I doubt she will contact me.

It's a relatively new acquaintance so doesn't matter too much, but I fail to see how anyone can keep up friendships this way.

I've been looking at the things I might have missed and now see patterns of behaviour tbh. And see I was accepting too low a standard.

So I will just move forwards on my own now.

I don't think you need to be fixed on the idea of moving forward on your own, OP. Maybe you could just be more casual about it all and lower your expectations. You might find people actually respect you more and want to be around you more.

@TreesWelliesKnees I was being casual not chasing up the invite!

What would "lowering expectations" look like please? I wish I'd raised them ages ago.

@EmeraldRoulette yes knocks your confidence after while. Nobody follows through on plans.

I'm sorry but a simple text reply is on the fucking floor when it comes to expectations, what are you meant to lower them to exactly? Them spitting on you if you were on fire?

I guess I just mean that people can't disappoint you if you don't expect much in the first place. Humans are unreliable. If you accept that then it frees up a lot of headspace to just enjoy them for who they are, without expectation of what they will give to you. It doesn't mean you have to retreat from them, but it requires a shift in attitude.

@WouldUSayImWorthy Thank you, that was brilliantly put.

@TreesWelliesKnees we're all different. If we're at a stage where not replying to anything is acceptable, I would rather bow out and accept being isolated.

it does appear that flakiness is a norm now, and one deserving of sympathy, the eyes of most.

Op I left London and specifically went about making friends

I kissed a lot of frogs before I found my princes so so speak!

I joined a lot of groups, met a lot of people.

I joined a sports group in 2020. By 2023 I could say I had 2 people I would consider proper friends. And many more I consider acquaintances.

it took time

oh and I’m a mum but my 2 friends are childfree