Fiancé looks at porn and masturbates after sex (he finished)

[Gemgom123]

I’m feeling slightly concerns with my fiancés recent actions. Note I’m generally not the masturbation police and would expect it for DH working away or at home alone bored no sex for a while ect!
having said that my partner has always explained to me in past that porn isn’t really his thing and that he doesn’t quite get the obsession of you have a women who you are attracted to and are completely satisfied with.
having said that I was shocked to find my fiancé stood in the kitchen with a semi hard on scrolling through porn hun approx 2 hours after we had sex and he finished.
he was mortified and I was furious because of the I appropriateness, we live in a small flat it’s was approx 7pm myself and kids were sat awake in the living room reading stories
fast forward to this morning I brought it up again and asked him if this was normal behaviour given his previous attitude regarding porn and he said it’s very normal he knows of men who go into the shower immediately after sex and masturbate the key concerned for me here is that he added “ if they don’t cheat this is normal behaviour”
he then back pedalled become confused said he didn’t know what he was saying cause he was half asleep didn’t mean it like that ect ect.

I am left feeling concerned that I’m not enough anymore his statement endorsed to me that whilst he would never cheat on me he isn’t fulfilled am I over reading this ….honest opinions please

It could equally be that you got him feeling horny?

@FigTreeInEurope I don’t know! I’m not normalising his behaviour but it defo wasn’t a safeguarding issue I don’t believe he had intentions of wanking and he didn’t actually have his hands anywhere near his cock. He just googled pornhun and said he was curious he felt mortified and tried deleting his history. He denies having a boner but I know what I saw. Given I’ve eliminated the probability of it being a safeguarding issue as people keep saying I am focusing on the motivating factor and weather this is a reflection of me given we had sex hours before and he finished. Ide be interested to get a males opinion on this. And I definatly will be addressing the inappropriateness of it separately

@INeedAnotherName i appreciate your perspective on the matter.
and would entirely agree if he was stood naked hand on cock he was fully clothed looking at his phone not touching himself. I am dosgusted by the inappropriateness as is so let’s not make it worse by creating a picture of something it wasn’t. I honestly don’t think he would have started to wank with us in the other room. He claims he wa a curious and then thought “what am I doing and went to delete the history” but I came out and caught him on his phone trying to delete history.
unsure how accurate this is as he is clearly mortified and doing damage control to save face.

I wish I hadn’t read this, it’s just grim

@Savemydrink what my response

OP, thanks for the clarification but I didn't think he was standing naked!

Hopefully you will get to the bottom of it, but absolutely no harm for him to get a major reality check about his behaviour around his children.
I would be concerned about his interest in porn.
Don't be afraid of not wishing it to be a part of your home and relationship.
Good luck.

@Gemgom123 all of it, I would want to leave my kids with this man.

I honestly don’t think he would have started to wank with us in the other room.
You also didn't think he would ever be looking at porn with a hard on in the kitchen either but look what happened.

Just because he didn't have his hand down his trousers at that precise point doesn't mean he wouldn't have in the next five minutes.

Stop excusing his behaviour and stop minimising it to yourself. The situation was bad and you need to admit it to yourself but I guess you are scared of being a single mum. In which case none of us can help you right now.

@Savemydrink fair enough everyone has different perspectives and entitled to that but I think the courts would impose a restraining order on the father because he looked at a sex website on his phone. To reiterate I am disgusted by the behaviour and more focused on understanding the motivating factor as it’s very out of character but he was not touching himself in any way just looking. It doesn’t sit right with me hence my post on here but I didn’t expect soo much backlash over it as though I’m putting my kids at risk with their father he is a great dad

OP, you keep on saying pornhun (with an n at the end, not a b). PornhuB is the major porn site. I've never heard of 'pornhun', do you mean pornhub? Or is there a 'hun' site, as well as hub? Genuine question, because at first I thought it was a typo, the 'n' being next to the 'b' on the keyboard, but you keep typing pornhun instead of pornhub. So I'm wondering if there is a different site.

I'd be thinking he was cheating. Often men get more sex obsessed when they are shagging around. Or, considering it. The fact that he brought up cheating when asked about porn would support that too. Cheating is on his mind.

For me...I think I'd cut my losses and get out now because it's already on a downward spiral. If you stay it'll be secretive behaviour from him going forwards, and either growing distant and cold whilst he has affairs, or asking you for weird sex stuff and making you feel it's 'expected'. Either way he'll make you feel 'not enough'.

@Dayoldbag thank you!

I was never anti porn per say but after this instance I am making clear boundaries! All well and good doing so but if he is not fulfilled and resorting to this strange behaviour now then it doesn’t give me much hope for our future.

@Pinkbonbon its funny you say that because my forth thought was he is talking to someone getting excited as at no point did I hear see a video playing! He become defensive I’ve this phone and tried to start deleting history. His battery genuinely died and gave him a second to ground himself out of his panicked state he gave me the phone I put it on charge and looked at his history and it was porn hub. He didn’t bring cheating into the conversation I did it was my first reaction because I can’t comprehend who on earth would google porn website with no intentions of masturbating I honestly believe he had no intentions to masturbate.
Maybe he had time to quickly delete whatever he wa a doing and all I saw wa spoken hun history from previous I don’t know it’s confusing thevhell out of me. But for content he isn’t a womaniser, no history of cheating no signs ect

@FigTreeInEurope no it’s auto typing as “hun” haha I’m not aware of an “Porn hun”

I don't think this was a safeguarding issue. He was next door, knowing you were with the kids, he was on a phone, not the imax. He likely had one eye on the door? I think he probably got in a horny mood, generally, because of the sex earlier. You know like "shag flashbacks", and decided porn was the next best thing, in the moment, because you weren't available. I'm not going to defend him, but you definitely shouldn't leap to take it personally. You'd be best to just talk to him more, see if you can get a better picture of the intent behind it.

Cam girls maybe.

I dunno op, i think our instincts exist for a reason.
Your gut told you he was talking to someone and getting excited. So that's either what he was doing OR something your gut tells you he is capable of.

Bottom line is it isn’t normal behaviour. It isn’t safe behaviour.

Is it normal for people to watch porn? Sure. Is it normal for people watch porn shortly after having had sex? Not as much, but it probably happens a fair bit. Is it normal to watch porn in the kitchen whilst your partner and young children are in the next room? No.

No matter his state of undress, this isn't circumspect behaviour. He could have chosen to go to the bedroom or bathroom. The fact that he couldn’t control his urges enough to do this in a safe place suggests he may have a problem.

It is easy for us to start questioning ourselves when our partner starts behaving out of character. Simpler to blame yourself than accept that he has changed in some way. ‘The problem must be something you haven’t done, not what he did do!’

You’re not at fault here. Not watching porn when your children could see is not a boundary you should need to explicitly state.
He should know this never appropriate.

I don't really know what to say it's really strange behaviour like why in the kitchen he could have gone to a bathroom and nobody would have been any the wiser ? There isn't anything else that would impair is judgment is there medications ? Alcohol ?

The worst thing is that he was doing it in the kitchen when your kids were nearby

I think he was texting another woman, personally.

@FigTreeInEurope thats all I posted on here for was some different perspective on the intent behind it. He isn’t the greatest of communicators much like a lot of men.
When questioned he was unable to pair. A picture of his motives he just said he doesn’t know why he did it. He wasn’t particularly horny, he keeps referring he was “curious” but is satisfied with us. When I questioned the inappropriateness of it given his environment he just said he wasn’t onit for prolong period of time he wasn’t aroused and that he was about to delete his history of it as I walked in the room.

my discrepancy is I am certain that he had a boner although he says he didnt. I won’t lie I have taken it very personally and whilst I am not anti porn in the right circumstances I keep questioning his desperation and want this implies. But he continues to apologies and play it down saying he didn’t have a massive urge he was just bored in that instance and it wa spit of character for him

I used to think that quote about men thinking about sex every seven seconds was a bit over the top but reading on Mumsnet I think it's true.

I can't get my head around the fact you'd had sex and it was time for kids bedtime but his mind starts thinking about gratifying his cock again so irrespective of who was around he starts looking at porn in the kitchen.

It's just not normal, or is it??

Surely, no bloke ever watched porn without it being arousing. He's denying the boner out of embarrasment? I do think porn gets into blokes heads, and slowly creeps into the bedroom. I wouldn't want to have it in my life because of that. I'd watch out to see if the type of sex you have changes, if he wants to act out stuff in real life. And maybe he does feel unsatisfied, if he's watching stuff you wouldn't want to do, but that's totally his problem, and he'd need to end the porn use.

I was in a relationship with a porn addict and this is the sort of thing he'd do. He'd sometimes just watch it with no intention of finishing (allegedly), he said just looking gave him a "dopamine hit".

Addicts are almost always liars, and their addiction has nothing to do with you it is 100% a them problem, even if they try to convince you otherwise.

Definitely a conversation required re appropriate time and place. His befuddled explanation isn’t really good enough.

So many men on porn site day and night unfortunately.