Partner meeting up with ex colleague !!

[Wynethrose]

My partner and I have been together 25 years, the last few years haven't been great if I'm honest. I wanted to leave the relationship a year ago but because of my financial situation couldn't...fast forward a year and we're in separate bedrooms and not really in a romantic relationship anymore , I'm just working , cleaning and cooking every day tbh.
He's just retired at 55 so he's got loads of time on his hands.
He has recently started chatting to an ex colleague again after years of not talking, they've now decided to meet up and go walking together and have lunch. He hadn't told me about it yet but I've seen the messages on his tablet..I'm not sure how I feel about it tbh!! I'm wondering if he'll actually tell me he's meeting her at all , shall I just keep quiet and see how it pans out?

i wouldnt be happy at all. i would tell him . of he doesnt respect that you have issues. are you just together for convience?we have a rule of no opposite sex friends so this would be a huge no anyway to us .
neither of you seem invested - why seperate rooms x

@thehappyotter thanks for replying!! When I spoke to him last year about wanting to leave he moved all his stuff into the spare room and that's how it's been ever since.
I don't have romantic feelings for him tbh , I think he did have feelings for me but not sure anymore what he feels, we never discuss how we are at all.

is he in an emotional affair ? or have you both just tapped out ?
you need to talk this through.life is short you cant carry on like this .
does he maybe want a reaction from you?
ig you dont have romatic feelings is it worth staying?x

That is a bit unusual to be honest though.

OP you sound more like house share partners than a couple .
Your partner starting this chatting and arranging to meet up with his ex colleague sounds like him taking steps to move on from you and possibly into a new relationship.
Perhaps it might best to have a discussion about your relationship and whether there actually is any point in staying together.
Perhaps you should re examine your financial situation and how you would stand now if you split.

To be honest it sounds like your marriage is dead anyway so not sure why it matters.

@thehappyotter I'm not sure tbh, I think he sees her as someone to talk to, but I don't know how deep his feelings are for her...its just going to be so difficult not to mention their conversation to him.
I don't feel I could share a bed with him again , we don't hug or kiss , just live alongside one another really.

what no opposite sex friends ? its mainly personal messaging or meeting up . we have some couple friends . it was as much his choice as mine . works for us - 20 years no problems .
everyone is different ,but for both of us thats what works . why change if its not broken

i dont want to be harsh but i would be getting my ducks in a row . sorting myself financially , seeing if he will go to couples therapy . if he doesnt you either stay and watch it and live seperate lives or tackle it head on .
i really feel for you x

@Blinketyblinkblank I think you're right!! I think maybe he's seeing how this meeting goes with her first.
If he lies and says he's meeting someone else do I say anything or keep quiet for now ?
We never talk about our relationship at all , I find it really difficult to talk to him these days.

@thehappyotter there's not much to sort really, he owns the house outright now so I've got no claim to anything because we're not married.
I'm 55 and in a low paid job so would have to start again.

Do you feel jealous, sad or angry that he's planning on meeting up with her? It sounds like your marriage is over in everything but name, it's not surprising that he may be feeling lonely and wants to connect with someone he obviously got on well with. Maybe this is the final push you need to end this state of being in limbo and go your separate ways?

You were the one who basically told him you were over and the only reason you stayed is because you didn't want to fund yourself. This is why women should ensure they remain financially independent especially if you aren't going to get married.

@Noseybookworm I wasn't angry , more annoyed I guess , he sent her pics of himself posing and I thought he looked ridiculous if I'm honest.
I can see why he's looking for comfort elsewhere because he doesn't get any from me , I look after him but not romantically.

@Spirallingdownwards I totally agree!! I've only myself to blame for my situation.

are you sure ?if yo have contributed to bills and have lived together a certain length of time you are entitled . i would check that

no you dont we make choices sometimes they go wrong . i think your entitled to a lot more than you think

Do you expect him to stay chaste for the rest of his life?

You are his flatmate. You don’t have an intimate relationship and it isn’t surprising that he would hope to find that.

Re: having a pact to not have friends of the opposite sex… It’s very peculiar and shows a fundamental lack of trust between each other. Someone who loves and trusts you shouldn’t want to narrow your life experiences and friendship group.

@thehappyotter I spoke to a solicitor last year when I wanted to leave and he said I was entitled to nothing. He said I could take him to court but there was no guarantee that I'd get anything then.

@Gribbit987 Not at all !! I would of left last year but he wouldn't give me any financial support at all and I think after giving him 25 years of my life and a son ( his only child ) that I was worth more that.

Your relationship is dead and it's not going to resuscitate. You should talk to him and move out but to be honest, given that you are living as flat mates and you admit you can't see ever sharing a bed with him again, then why should her not try to rebuild his life?

Op spilt up for good. Sell ur house and give the years u have left a proper go and live the life u want, not tied down and the both of u miserable. Life is too damn short.

that doesnt sound right if you have looked after your child so he can continue his career . i know someone who got half and they hadnt had a child .
why is the house only in his name ?
i would seriously look into this again

because he is telling her she leaves with nothing and she doesnt think shes entitled to any of the house

i think the issue for her is the financial side and the fact hes saying she leaves with nothing .

re our relationship we are perfectly happy . why change what isnt broken ?.
we both had boundaries , they were discussed in 2003 before we got married .
i dont need to enrich my life by talking to some bloke . my life is nice as it is, travel, joint interests . we tell each other about everything . unless a friend said dont tell him its personal .
we have alot of hobbies together , he would say im his best friend .
you do what works for you . 😊