Partner meeting up with ex colleague !!

[Wynethrose]

My partner and I have been together 25 years, the last few years haven't been great if I'm honest. I wanted to leave the relationship a year ago but because of my financial situation couldn't...fast forward a year and we're in separate bedrooms and not really in a romantic relationship anymore , I'm just working , cleaning and cooking every day tbh.
He's just retired at 55 so he's got loads of time on his hands.
He has recently started chatting to an ex colleague again after years of not talking, they've now decided to meet up and go walking together and have lunch. He hadn't told me about it yet but I've seen the messages on his tablet..I'm not sure how I feel about it tbh!! I'm wondering if he'll actually tell me he's meeting her at all , shall I just keep quiet and see how it pans out?

its no fault divorces now so makes no difference . unless you want to keep him dont bother . gather documents and bank statements . shelter have a crisis line you ring for guidance with good solicitors .concentrate on that x

sorry this is happening to you x

@thehappyotter I've got bills in my name and loads of bank statements to utility companies etc which I've been paying for 20 years.
He's got me fired up now , so I need to start looking after me now.

Research backs it up:

www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/clear-communication/201708/1-1-opposite-sex-friends-blind-spot-threat-marriage?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTAAAR388pk3FSg9DwfMFO8Vv0x5fD4Lb7XRhcbfzYx1H1GcrNBWZumwa8hzSzM_aem_GArOWOGFNr1ruRN-yANlFw

wow, this is a tricky position. You have your own job? Start saving like there's an apocalypse coming. Don't leave the house. His daliance is nearly besides the point tbh. Think of your financial situation.

I'd wait until he's MADLY in love and then ask him to give you a settlement. let him go on his walk and lunch date and hope it goes well.

That's what I'm thinking !! It's going to be so hard to be nice to him though , but this might be the jolt I need to get me moving on with my life...

yeh, I was in this situation in 2007 (I had two young children) and he wouldn't marry me, he wouldn't help with the childcare. I realised that I was just staring at a future where I would work really hard feathering his nest. So I left and we (me and kids) have lived in a smaller house in the outskirts of a less posh town I've made it sound terribel! it's not. But sometimes you have to think, ok, the shit is going to hit the fan.

As you have an adult son I'd use that to your advantage and play dumb for now. I actually wouldn't challenge him as you don't care who he's shagging, you obviously rightly care about how screwed you're going to be financially.

I hope that your 'partner' would be a little bit embarrassed to throw his son's mum out with NOTHING so keep working, keep saving.

For now.

you’ve admitted yourself that the only reason you’re still with him and living together is because of your financial position.

so you’re using him. You don’t have a romantic relationship anymore and quite clearly don’t have a good emotional connection either. You are unreasonable to expect him to go without that sort of connection with someone just because you don’t have that with him anymore but you refuse to separate properly because you will lose out.

@DaisyChain505 yes I guess your right !! I'm not proud of the fact that I'm staying here because of financial reasons, I'm sure I'm not the only woman doing that.
I think the thing that got me the most was that he lied to my face !! He's very religious and hates liars ....

@IfYouEscapeTheLionsDenDontGoBackForYourHat that was really brave of you especially with two little ones !! I wish I had your courage, I'm in my late fifties now and am worried I won't be able to make a new life at my age.
I hope you're all settled now and enjoying life ?

It’s good that you can admit that but now you’ve realised it, something needs to change.

He can’t be expected to live with you in a loveless, empty marriage and not seek the emotional and physical connection he in entitled to else where and you shouldn’t be expected to live with someone who lies to your face. There is fault on either side but you both deserve to be happy it just needs to be separately now.

There is a subset of women on here OP who love nothing more than rushing in to kick a woman when she's down for not being married. I've seen it time and time again. Of course there are many who point out the fact gently as they wish other women to know so they avoid the same pitfalls, but there's definitely a cohort who take far too much glee/start referring to the OPs long term partner as their "boyfriend" etc. It's not helpful and adds to the OPs immense stress over the situation.

The posts above so concerned about your "poor parters" situation are not considering the fact that this man knowingly left you in a precarious financial situation. Pretending it was too "complicated" to put you on the deeds means he knew fine well what he was doing. He's apparently oh so very religious yet he's fine with remaining unmarried and having secret meet ups with women? The worst kind of pious - rules for thee but not for me.

Do NOT confront him yet. You need to be smart and methodical here. Did you ever give any money towards mortgage payments at all? Did you always work or take time out to look after your son? Are there any other assets you share? Gather any and all financial information you can and see another solicitor- a female one if possible.

@Jengat I didn't make any payments towards the mortgage and council tax and I pay all the other bills.
I feel abit of a fool now I look back the times I asked to be put on the mortgage and he always had a reason for not doing it.
I'm going to speak to a solicitor tomorrow and see what my options are .

Yes I agree, how does it help to say you should have got married 25 years ago.

I think op should be prepared to get a good case together. Proof of bills paid. Proof marriage was dangled as an incentive to stay not leave. Everything she did for their son. Get a good case prepared and presented as an invoice, an offset. Whether you will or you won't take him to court let him believe you have lots of documents for your financial preparation case.

That's financial abuse to put you in that position. Get it clear in your head what you asked for a what point and how there was always an excuse rather than a no.

X

I might be barking up the wrong tree but see if the solicitor can approach it from any other angles. Broken promise. Financial preparation. Financial abuse.

You feathered his nest all these years, not because you were stupid but because of coercion.

It's controlling. It's the kind of thing you hear about from fundamentalist Christians in the US. There was one I saw where a friend came to fix something in the house and the woman wouldn't let him in till her husband was back. Madness.

I'm still recovering but I have enough. I have a v small shabby house that I'm doing up v slowly. My kids have no time for him. Growing up without a good father impacted upon my son more than on my daughter but if we'd stayed I think my daughter would be the one who was struggling.

I have every sympathy as people say "you should have got married" but he thought he was a canny article not marrying me. He was v bitter when I left him!! Like I owed it to him to tank my future for his convenience.

You will need a good solicitor who can approach this from the angle of what you lost. Xx

Christian values that suit him. Like traditional roles. But not the Christian values that protect the mother. How Christian.

I'd keep quiet if I were you - it will be interesting to see what he is capable of as far as lies - but really the relationship is over. Save money like mad while the ending plays out. Perhaps he can start paying some of these bills you pay?

Can you stop paying some bills as if he's not paying the mortgage anymore then he won't have much to pay really.
Just save as much as possible and maybe work as much as possible to maximise your income for now.

So many delusional woman who think having opposite sex friends within a marriage is "healthy". I totally agree with you happy - work colleagues are one thing but we don't have opposite sex 'friends'. We never discussed it, it just happened once we became serious and sometimes I read stories on MN with my jaw on the floor about what people get up to with their 'friends' whilst they are married.

I think you're right about keeping quiet , I'm going to wait and see how his meeting pans out.
Will speak to my manager tomorrow about taking on more hours as well , rent is so expensive where I live 🙈