Partner meeting up with ex colleague !!

[Wynethrose]

My partner and I have been together 25 years, the last few years haven't been great if I'm honest. I wanted to leave the relationship a year ago but because of my financial situation couldn't...fast forward a year and we're in separate bedrooms and not really in a romantic relationship anymore , I'm just working , cleaning and cooking every day tbh.
He's just retired at 55 so he's got loads of time on his hands.
He has recently started chatting to an ex colleague again after years of not talking, they've now decided to meet up and go walking together and have lunch. He hadn't told me about it yet but I've seen the messages on his tablet..I'm not sure how I feel about it tbh!! I'm wondering if he'll actually tell me he's meeting her at all , shall I just keep quiet and see how it pans out?

That's is so u healthy and not ok.
This advice is bizarre!

Google is my friend who explains it so well.....
In the research, it was found that men who had friends of the opposite gender were much more likely to get emotional support from them than men who only had male friends. There's nothing wrong if a married man or woman have friends of the opposite gender when boundaries are respected.15 Jun 2023

No opposite sex friends? Regardless of the OP, that's a mental rule.

well we are both very happy , we both have a handful of friends each that we have known years . i personally dont have the need for more friends.He talks socially but isnt bothered about new friends . how do you fit them in ? The more people in your circle the more drama ,not everyone likes lots of friends .
i wouldnt tell someone how to live as everyone is different . We decided it due to number of reasons . iv just asked him if he feels hes missed out and hes said what on ?
As for mental health he runs a Andymans group after a friend of his struggled .
not everyone is the same .The issue is this woman thinks she is entitled to nothing when im fairly sure that is incorrect .
Thats the concern

its proven quite an issue for people hasnt it !
we both speak to the opposite sex , we have mutual friends but we dont have friendships 1 on 1 with other men/woman.
its something we both decided on before we got married 20 years ago. its never caused an issue for us . Im not suggesting everyone has to do it, but we have fared better than many of our friends sadly . we concentrate on each other.
im happy with that ,he is . its a very small part of our marriage and we rarely think of it . we would of caused less outrage if we said we were swingers . Our view is very popular and common in many religions and cultures .

the issue here is this lady is being left with the threat of nothing . Hopefully someone can advise her .

Her first post was indignant about him meeting up socially with a woman. It was jealous, proprietorial and inappropriate.

@Wynethrose you are an intelligent woman. You know that without marriage you have no rights to his assets unless he chooses to gift them to you. This is common knowledge.

You have chosen your path - lots of women would not have a child without benefit of marriage and certainly wouldn’t hang around for 25 years hoping for their miserly partner to do the right thing. It’s unfortunate you don’t have a safety net. But it’s not his fault. It’s yours.

It’s time for you to work out a plan that doesn’t involve him being part of your future.

she is able to make a claim . she needs to get further advice especially as she rasied their child so he could concentrate on her career . its possible for her to make an attachment to earnings or at least his pension for the years she spent as a home maker.
No way would i be a stay at home mum /wife and not have finances etc in place , it was marriage or no child for me for this reason.

She hasn’t said she’s married. OP are you married?

im sure she said she isnt married i could be wrong .
please dont beat yourself tho , look into the other legal options . i would be taking photo copies of any statements in case he tries to move money about .
good luck

also do you have any joint accounts you can use ? can you start a safety fund . without marriage its not automatic but it can be done especially if you did all the child care .
why is the morgage only in his name - that seems odd .
contact shelter for advice and dont move out before you have had proper advice .

He will tell her he is "essentially separated' and "living in separate bedrooms" and in a "sexless marriage" like so many men claim - but this time it will be true.

@bunnypenny I'm not married, we never got around to it , we've been engaged for 20 years though.
He always said he'd put me on the mortgage but then said it was to complicated when he went to do it...so I never pressed the matter.
We've never had joint bank accounts, I pay some of the bills and he used to pay the mortgage but since he's recently retired the mortgage has now been paid off so the deeds are in his name only.

Go and see another solicitor.

It sounds like whether or not you’re entitled to anything the current arrangement won’t last anyway, so you’d be better to sort something else out now. Rather than wait for him to tell you to leave.

Even if you’re not formally entitled to anything he may come to an arrangement to sort it out.

But that doesn't change, whether he has a female friend or not. She's no longer in a relationship with this man, so she should not have any say regarding his friends, especially since he's meeting this excolleague outside.

The financial part is shit but that has nothing to do with him meeting an excolleague

OP, time to face facts and move forward.

You have both essentially checked out of the relationship.

You aren’t married, your name isn’t on the deeds so you aren’t likely to be entitled to anything. Regardless of how morally wrong that is, it is the reality.

So, time to start making a plan so you can both move on and enjoy lives.

Do you work? Have you checked benefit entitlements?

Did you take time out to be the SAHP or any sort of childcare?

Did you pay towards the mortgage at all over the years? What about the bills?

Firstly I would write up my financial and emotional contribution to the relationship so it’s on paper and clearly in black and white.

I would sit down with your ex and present him with this. Present it as “we both need to leave, I should be on the deeds, if we were married I’d get this but I’ll settle for this” and ask for a fixed sum to leave.

I would also take the written down financials to a solicitor for a second opinion.

But I’d start from an amicable place and try diplomacy first.

@SayTheWeirdThing I think you're right !! It's cutting those strings and moving on , I know it'll be difficult but I desperately want to be happy and haven't felt happy for a few years now...I'm sure he feels the same.
I just worry at my age that I'm making a big mistake, having to fund my life again on my own with very little savings etc , I'm sure it can be done though , so I'm going to start looking for somewhere to rent , I need to move on!!

No you don’t. Uou don’t know anyone unmarried who got half. The law is clear.

Sounds great, you want to leave but can't because of financial reasons. Hopefully he'll have an affair and then he'll feel guilty about it and pay you out. Win-win

@thehappyotter

You're not right about the financial aspects.

It is very, very unlikely that someone unmarried (ie - without a contract legally binding to both parties) is entitled to anything other than child maintenance if relevant.

In the rare case that there may be some specific circumstances, the legal fees to fight for it would almost certainly outweigh the results.

How old is your child OP?

Why would he pay her out. They are unmarried, the relationship is over. They are only together due to the fact she can’t afford to move out. Why would he even feel guilty . I wouldn’t.

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor our son is 24, so he doesn't really need me around has such , would feel guilty leaving him though , but I know our relationship would be ok..

the fact you have paid bills puts you in a stronger position . see another solicitor

@thehappyotter thank you !! I'm going to contact one in the morning..
He's blatantly lied to me this morning about going to a leaving do where he's meeting this woman!! I don't know whether to say anything?

if you pay bills and childcare as she did ,and can prove it , you can . no its not easy but he had to sell the house or buy her out . if she had done it a year earlier she could of gone for more with his pension and attachment of earnings, but the children were out of education.

op if anything is logged with a solicitor that he looked into it (although im doubting he has )this would put you in a stronger position ,as would having children in further education. Did you email any solicotors can you remember?
its not easy or automatic and you might not get half but get proof of bank statements of you paying bills. it shows how you contributed financially .

My friend apparently got half but he was far from honest - anything is better than nothing -good luck

she has said she isnt married , so its much much harder . The house is in my name ,and we are married. i had the house before we met. However we went to see a financial advisor for life insurance and he explained how hard it would be to ensure my partners mum couldnt get her hands on the insurance if anything happened to him . She would, and he would rather it goes to a dogs home than her.So we got married as easiest and cheapest way to protect me and my children.
We then had a child together ,i wouldnt of agreed to it had we not been married.
But it sounds like hes played her a bit , especially saying having her on the morgage is too hard .