Am i being irrational by being annoyed with my Fuck Buddy

[RocketQueen19]

ok so, myself and a former colleague , recently started exchanging very flirtatious messages, we are both separated, and decided to start getting together for some no strings attached sex, this suited me after coming out of a long relationship and (like most men) suited him also, he is not my type usually ( a bit older, used to be my boss, a bit tall/lanky/geeky) but there is clearly a sexual attraction.

We didn’t meet up for a few weeks due to me working away, but during that time he was coming across very caring, messaging me to check on my well being etc. , despite me commenting he didn’t need to and this was all no strings attached, he said he cared about me, which I thought was sweet.
We have hooked up a few times for sex and sex only, and he was quite caring making sure I was 100% sure I wanted to go ahead etc., so it felt like a safe place etc, ( I know we are both adults but still it made me feel very respected).

We hooked up again at the weekend and I didn’t really hear from him after , I know its no strings attached but still he was always so respectful and caring before, I sent a jokey message earlier about the no contact and he kind of brushed it off and said something along the lines of ‘ I guess we cant always talk every day’ which he is right in saying , but he kind of set the precedent of all of the regular messages checking on each other’s wellbeing ETC at the start of this, I sent a bit of a huffy message pretty much saying let’s just set the expectations of only messaging for pretty much a booty call, which he said worked for him etc, but I kind of feel annoyed, why could he not be like that in the first place instead of setting such a high standard?

I have never really had a fuck buddy before, am I being a bit unreasonable.

Also another thing we have talked a lot about our sexual desires before hooking up and I said how I like it a bit rough(hair pulling etc) and he seemed really turned on by it and said how he loves being all dominant , however when it came to it, he wasn’t really like that, really gentle etc.
Should I just bin it all off because he’s not really satisfying me anyway ?

I just don’t get the change in behaviour. ( im sorry if I sound Naïve , ive only really had long term releationships so I’m new to all this sexual fantasy/nsa stuff)

It doesn't mean anything to him so when he's not having sec with you he's not concerned with you. If you want a relationship and consideration then you find someone who wants to invest.

Also another thing we have talked a lot about our sexual desires before hooking up and I said how I like it a bit rough(hair pulling etc) and he seemed really turned on by it and said how he loves being all dominant , however when it came to it, he wasn’t really like that, really gentle etc.

It's been my experience that a lot of people will say "oh yeah babe, sounds hot as hell" BEFORE they get in bed with you... Then you find out they're not in fact dominant/submissive/kinky/vanilla etc.

It's possible he would like it to be more than fuck buddies, hence the messages. It's also possible he prefers to emphasise the FRIENDS with benefits and it's just his style to check in daily. One of my FWBs was like that when in the early days.

Whatever the case, if it's not working for you then just wish him well and say cheerio.

*sex

You sound as though you're in a kind of grey area. He's meant to be a friend, that's what FWB are. So messaging etc is part of friendship. However you're not in a relationship but that seems to be your expectation.

If he's not satisfying you sexually then knock it on the head.

This. He’s realised he doesn’t have to make the effort to get the shag so he’s stopped, that’s the nature of fuck buddy/friends with benefits. If you want more, it’s a relationship you need.

The key thing to having a fuckbuddy is distance and not having complications. It happens to me sometimes when they get too emotional. Dump and move on.

He got what he wanted, you didn't really, so find another and keep it arms length if no strings is truly what you want. And it's ok if it's not, fwb isn't for everyone.

Your husband?

You can't tell him he doesn't need to message that it's just casual then get huffy when he doesn't. However if the sex isn't upto par then he's a useless f buddy so I'd give it no more thought.

Hang on, so initially he was messaging you a lot and being caring but you told him there was no need because it’s ‘no strings’ etc, so now he’s taken that on board and is not messaging you any more and you now want him to send you more messages/be more emotional? Can you see how he might be getting mixed messages as to what you want?

That’s my reading of it all but maybe I’m missing some nuance.

Either way, maybe this kind of set-up doesn’t suit you as you don’t seem sure on what sort of etiquette or boundaries you want.

Sounds like he doesn't want to become emotionally invested.

Lol we've got people pimping dudes out now? 😂

Do you ever get in touch with him OP or did you secretly like the caring about you thing?

Not just you

Yes, the sex not being satisfying sounds key here. Whatever about riding out sexual low points in a committed longterm relationship, you shouldn't have to be putting up with bad sex in a FWB situation!

But if you find yourself doing this again with someone else, OP, figure out what you want in advance and set the boundaries/expectations then, rather than getting cross at someone else having excited and then disappointed your expectations of patterns of contact.

The point of FWB is great sex. You're not getting that. I'd move on.

The thing is though.. even though he set the precedent for regularly checking in etc - you basically shut it down by telling him he didn't need to since you're casual.

If a FWB said that to me, I would assume it meant they didn't want the regular contact/checking in (or why say anything?). Scaling back now is probably him just respecting your wishes 🤷‍♀️

He's a fuck buddy. He owes you nothing.

Yep if you meet a tall, kind, funny generous and attractive man with lots in common you might but up with average sex in a relationship. However if somebody's only purpose is to provide sexual satisfaction and they are not? It's time to exit lol.

That. Also, "fuck buddy" sounds revolting. Can't "sex partner" be used?

I'm in a similar situation and also was a bit pissed when I didn't even make it onto the priority list, never expected to be top but I had previously at least been on it! I didn't say anything and sat with it for a few days before deciding that actually it was fair enough, we agreed nsa only and I now don't really ask about his day and don't really give in depth answers about mine.
The big difference is he satisfies me sexually, my advice is if you can take the feelings out of it and enjoy it just for the sex then give it another chance and be very clear about what you want sexually, if he can step up then great if he can't then bin him. If you can't take the feelings away and continue feeling huffy, to use your word, then I'd walk away now as it's not giving you what you need

I agree its too offensive to be in a post title. I hope HQ delete it like many other threads they delete at will

“Sex partner” has an Alan Partridge vibe 😩

Sex friend?
Porking pal?
Bonking buddy?

They're sex people Lynn!

Lol, there is a 13 page thread that I started on Monday about lack of communication after casual sex.
Not the same situation as yours, but prepare yourself for a tirade!