I’ve done a bad thing

[Honeybeebeez]

Please be nice ish! I’ve really messed up. I have a drinking problem which today I’ve taken first steps to deal with!
I met guy in pub he was really into me I tried to say no as I have a partner. He ended up walking me home. I like male attention as my partner doesn’t build my confidence. I didn’t plan it but we had sex. Next day were messaging and I thought we were just chatting. Then the pressure starts of when can we meet. Are you free etc. I had sex with him again because it seemed like a good option for him to stop going on. I’m trying to avoid him I never wanted a thing with him. But now it’s got threatening. He wasn’t happy I wouldn’t meet him last night so threatened to tell my partner. Said he’d come knock at my door until I answered then show him all the messages. He scares the fell out of me. Feeling like I had no choice I met him yesterday. I was crying he said you look grumpy I said because I’m scared I’m scared of you. So he tries sweet talking me and I know I have no chance leaving unless he gets what he wants so I give in. Then get him to delete messages but I know he could get them back. I know I was really really stupid but I feel like I’m completely trapped now I’m so scared of him. I did wrong I know but I love my partner just like the attention as my partner isn’t like that
I don’t want to lose partner home or kids and I don’t want to keep meeting this guy and him wanting sex

I dunno.

I suppose that I can't see what else needs to be discussed.
You've had some great advice, and some tough love.

This man sounds like a dickhead, for sure, but you know that already.

I wish you all the best.

Fuck me. You think you’ve seen some shit on MN and then someone posts this.

ETA: repeated rape can cause psychological damage and changes of behaviour which need more consideration and empathy than censure and victim shaming.

She's not afraid of him, she's afraid of her husband finding out what she's been up to.
It was all fun and games for her until she realised he might tell her husband.

The only advice she wants to hear is from women who agree that none of this is her fault and that big evil man is the one in the wrong.

You think she has been raped, there have been zero facts established here.

And I'll repeat again, she should tell her husband everything she has said here, that is clearly the only option now.

She has said several times that he had become threatening. She says in the OP that he threatened to tell her partner, she says later that he threatened violence. She says that 'he scares the hell out of her '. That she felt as though she had no choice but to meet him. That she was crying and told him she was scared of him. She also says that she felt as though she had no choice but to have sex with him or she couldn't leave.

That's a description of coerced sex which is rape.

So why do you think she doesn't want to tell her husband?
It was her husband that was threatened with violence, she's scared what this man will do but won't warn her husband he is in danger from this person?

Hello everyone,
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MNHQ

Her life would be easier, at least in one way, if she'd told her husband that she had sex with someone else several times because saying no is difficult. The threat would not be there then.

She has clearly said that she doesn't want to lose her husband or her family.

@Honeybeebeez I agree with pp. Either contact Rape Crisis who can guide and support you or contact the police. You were threatened and blackmailed into having sex. This is rape. Please seek help from someone.

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/

Happy to potentially have him assaulted by this nutter with no warning though.

Fuck sake Rebellious, this woman is in a vulnerable state and has been threatened and raped. If you can't see that then shame on you.

Well she's here asking for advice on how to handle the situation. That's where we come in with advice. The OP believed she was protecting her husband by meeting the perpetrator, even though she was scared and didn't want to go.

Please go to the police and show them every text, voice mail etc.

She never said she was protecting her husband by meeting him, she said she met him so he wouldn't tell her husband. Because that's what she is actually bothered about, nothing else

You haven't read the full thread:

Just to add he did threaten to come to my home kick down the door and punch my partner in the face because he doesn’t care.

And if she is vulnerable and in danger the best person to help her is her bloody husband!!!!

There is no shame on me here, I don't fuck people behind my husbands back because I like attention from strangers, if you're telling her not to be ashamed you have no right to attempt to shame me of anything just because I don't agree with you.
And I made the point about her behaviour only because she had the nerve to blame it on her husband, it's apparently his fault she cheats on him. Disgusting behaviour man or woman she has no right to treat her husband that way, her past isn't justification to shit on someone else.

So I'll ask you then, would your position honestly be exactly the same if a man told you this story about a woman he was sleeping with behind his wife's back?

Was that before or after the second or third time she slept with him?

What I got is she slept with him the third time to get him to delete the texts she sent him.

I'm afraid that I wasn't there when the OP had the conversation with him.

As I explained re the third incident:

*She has said several times that he had become threatening. She says in the OP that he threatened to tell her partner, she says later that he threatened violence. She says that 'he scares the hell out of her '. That she felt as though she had no choice but to meet him. That she was crying and told him she was scared of him. She also says that she felt as though she had no choice but to have sex with him or she couldn't leave.

That's a description of coerced sex which is rape.*

OP, I hope you have gone somewhere other than this thread for help and advice.

Please try to speak to a Rape Crisis helpline or similar. What this cunt is doing to you is of course a form of rape. They will be able to support and advise you and WILL NOT JUDGE YOJ.

I can't BELIEVE that a woman comes on here and discloses the fact she is being raped, and all some of you can bang on about is the fact that she cheated on her husband? As if she somehow caused it, or deserves it, in your minds? Rape is an appropriate punishment for infidelity?

Yeah, and maybe she wore a short skirt too.

Jesus. I don't care if she had sex with an entire fucking football team behind her husband's back. It does NOT mean she deserves to be raped, and those of you who think it's appropriate to berate her for this, at this time, can't you see you are part of the problem? It's fear of judgement like this that is enabling this man to use her body however he wants to....

Genuinely sickened.

This is blackmail and borderline rape.

And op don’t tell your husband anything. Call out the bully boy and block him. Learn to say no it’s the most power you can ever have.