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Original poster

I’ve done a bad thing

71 replies

Honeybeebeez · 17/07/2024 13:58

Please be nice ish! I’ve really messed up. I have a drinking problem which today I’ve taken first steps to deal with!
I met guy in pub he was really into me I tried to say no as I have a partner. He ended up walking me home. I like male attention as my partner doesn’t build my confidence. I didn’t plan it but we had sex. Next day were messaging and I thought we were just chatting. Then the pressure starts of when can we meet. Are you free etc. I had sex with him again because it seemed like a good option for him to stop going on. I’m trying to avoid him I never wanted a thing with him. But now it’s got threatening. He wasn’t happy I wouldn’t meet him last night so threatened to tell my partner. Said he’d come knock at my door until I answered then show him all the messages. He scares the fell out of me. Feeling like I had no choice I met him yesterday. I was crying he said you look grumpy I said because I’m scared I’m scared of you. So he tries sweet talking me and I know I have no chance leaving unless he gets what he wants so I give in. Then get him to delete messages but I know he could get them back. I know I was really really stupid but I feel like I’m completely trapped now I’m so scared of him. I did wrong I know but I love my partner just like the attention as my partner isn’t like that
I don’t want to lose partner home or kids and I don’t want to keep meeting this guy and him wanting sex

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 17/07/2024 13:59

You have to tell your partner

Icanttakethisanymore · 17/07/2024 14:02

Unfortunately your only option is to tell your OH. Take away the power this man has over you and make amends.

StormingNorman · 17/07/2024 14:02

You need to go to the police as he’s blackmailing you for sex. I’m not sure what crime he’s committing but it must be some kind of sexual assault, possibly even rape as the sex is not consensual.

betterangels · 17/07/2024 14:03

Tell your partner, and this man will have no more power.

MonsteraMama · 17/07/2024 14:05

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CitizenZ · 17/07/2024 14:05

You need to tell your partner. What he chooses to do with this information is up to him, but I think the other man needs reporting as he is blackmailing you and the only way to do this is with your partners knowledge. This cannot continue to go on, it's abuse.

cupcaske123 · 17/07/2024 14:07

That's coerced sex which is rape. In the first instance contact Rape Crisis for a chat.

Did you use protection? If not get the morning after pill and an sti test.

You really need to stop drinking OP, you've got yourself into a lot of trouble here. You've bought a strange man into your family home where your children are. He's obviously not a nice person and could do anything. I suggest you go to the police, you're probably going to have to tell your husband.

FloydPink · 17/07/2024 14:10

Not sure if it’s rape but imo it’s the same. Report to police, or at the very least say you will report him to police for this unless he stops immediately. Hopefully that will scare him and he will just go away. Although he will do this to someone else so I would speak to police anyway.

you then need to think about your partner. If you cheated it’s likely your relationship is in a bad way anyway. So think telling him and admit the drink problem is key.

he may tell you to do one immediately. He may realise that he is partly to blame for the way you feel and decide you can work through this, which if it works may make you stronger.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/07/2024 14:12

Obviously tell your poor partner. Stop drinking. Take some responsibility for your behaviour. He didn’t just happen to walk you home, you didn’t just happen to shag him the first time. Those were choices you made which risk your relationship, family, home, life. You make an awful lot of excuses, don’t do that when you have to fess up.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/07/2024 14:14

He may realise that he is partly to blame for the way you feel and decide you can work through this

He isn’t partly to blame for her cheating or wanting to cheat. Would you say that to a woman who’d been cheated on? Fair enough if you would.

betterangels · 17/07/2024 14:15

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Absolutely all of this.

PreviouslyBannedPoster · 17/07/2024 14:17

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betterangels · 17/07/2024 14:18

He may realise that he is partly to blame for the way you feel

Are women partly to blame when their boyfriends cheat, then?

cupcaske123 · 17/07/2024 14:22

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What part isn't true? Enlighten me.

Greatmate · 17/07/2024 14:27

You made lots of decision / choices leading up to cheating every time. You need to take responsibility for them.

I think you would benefit from therapy to discuss your alcohol addiction, need for external validation and poor decision making.

You need to tell you partner and remove this guy's power. You also need to get an STI test.

FloydPink · 17/07/2024 14:28

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/07/2024 14:14

He may realise that he is partly to blame for the way you feel and decide you can work through this

He isn’t partly to blame for her cheating or wanting to cheat. Would you say that to a woman who’d been cheated on? Fair enough if you would.

He may be.

yes, while there are many levels of cheating and reasons behind it, imo cheating happens if one person is not happy and they seek something elsewhere.

my ex wife cheated and things were not great between us. Had I been a better husband at the time then it probably would not have happened. So yes, while she did cheat I take some of the blame for that.

sometimes people cheat as they are greedy but it can also be as somethings missing.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 17/07/2024 14:32

See if you can steer the message conversation in a direction where it's obvious he is coercing into sex by using threats, if you don't already have enough evidence to show that and it's mostly been verbal so far. Make it clear in the messages that you are scared of him and want him to leave you alone. Get the evidence you need. Take it straight to the police.

Get help for your drinking problem. Don't make lame excuses for casual sex with people you don't like much, and don't make excuses for being unfaithful to your partner.

Babadook76 · 17/07/2024 14:34

cupcaske123 · 17/07/2024 14:07

That's coerced sex which is rape. In the first instance contact Rape Crisis for a chat.

Did you use protection? If not get the morning after pill and an sti test.

You really need to stop drinking OP, you've got yourself into a lot of trouble here. You've bought a strange man into your family home where your children are. He's obviously not a nice person and could do anything. I suggest you go to the police, you're probably going to have to tell your husband.

In the eyes of the laws it’s coerced sex is it? I beg to differ. Repeatedly cheating on your husband, and then having sex with the man a third time as he said he was going to ‘tell on her’ is not rape. Good luck with that

FloydPink · 17/07/2024 14:40

Babadook76 · 17/07/2024 14:34

In the eyes of the laws it’s coerced sex is it? I beg to differ. Repeatedly cheating on your husband, and then having sex with the man a third time as he said he was going to ‘tell on her’ is not rape. Good luck with that

Show quote history

It doesn’t matter if they have had sex a thousand times. When someone says no, or you have to blackmail someone to have sex, that’s a criminal act

PreviouslyBannedPoster · 17/07/2024 14:41

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Beabeautiful · 17/07/2024 14:43

Call his bluff - he most likely won't come knocking at your door.

AutumnFroglets · 17/07/2024 14:47

But now it’s got threatening. He wasn’t happy I wouldn’t meet him last night so threatened to tell my partner. Said he’d come knock at my door until I answered then show him all the messages.
know I have no chance leaving unless he gets what he wants so I give in.

He's threatening you until you have sex with him? Go to the police. That's blackmail and rape.

Throwwaway · 17/07/2024 14:48

Your partner will probably find out either way. If you don't tell him then this guy will. At least he can't hold anything over your head then. Be prepared for him to leave you though because personally, if a partner cheated on me, I'd be gone immediately

Throwwaway · 17/07/2024 14:49

Very good to work on the drinking though 👍
Reduces the risk of it happening again and generally good for you

cupcaske123 · 17/07/2024 14:51

Babadook76 · 17/07/2024 14:34

In the eyes of the laws it’s coerced sex is it? I beg to differ. Repeatedly cheating on your husband, and then having sex with the man a third time as he said he was going to ‘tell on her’ is not rape. Good luck with that

Show quote history

Under English and Welsh law, someone consents to sex or other sexual activity when they agree to it by choice and have both the freedom and capacity to make that choice.

The OP was crying, said he scared the hell out of her, told him that she was scared of him and 'gave in' in order to get away. He had also told her that he would tell her husband.

Does that come across to you as though she had the freedom to make a choice? It's coerced sex which is rape.

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