I’ve done a bad thing

[Honeybeebeez]

Please be nice ish! I’ve really messed up. I have a drinking problem which today I’ve taken first steps to deal with!
I met guy in pub he was really into me I tried to say no as I have a partner. He ended up walking me home. I like male attention as my partner doesn’t build my confidence. I didn’t plan it but we had sex. Next day were messaging and I thought we were just chatting. Then the pressure starts of when can we meet. Are you free etc. I had sex with him again because it seemed like a good option for him to stop going on. I’m trying to avoid him I never wanted a thing with him. But now it’s got threatening. He wasn’t happy I wouldn’t meet him last night so threatened to tell my partner. Said he’d come knock at my door until I answered then show him all the messages. He scares the fell out of me. Feeling like I had no choice I met him yesterday. I was crying he said you look grumpy I said because I’m scared I’m scared of you. So he tries sweet talking me and I know I have no chance leaving unless he gets what he wants so I give in. Then get him to delete messages but I know he could get them back. I know I was really really stupid but I feel like I’m completely trapped now I’m so scared of him. I did wrong I know but I love my partner just like the attention as my partner isn’t like that
I don’t want to lose partner home or kids and I don’t want to keep meeting this guy and him wanting sex

There would be nothing to be scared of in terms of the guy telling on her, if she was honest. Turn rhe tables on the dude.

this. whether, or however, you decide to tell your partner, please go to the police. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Absolutely 💯 this. Yes this bloke is a nasty cunt but there’s absolutely no accountability from you that you willingly sat on his dick three times.

You really don’t have any choice but tell your partner and then this man doesn’t have any power over you.

Are you actually happy in your relationship OP? You're drinking too much, say your partner doesn't build your confidence and slept with someone else. Perhaps this situation, awful as it is, has just brought everything to a head and is telling you that it all needs to change. You have to tell your partner, but maybe what seems like the worst possible result - actually isn't.

Do you have supportive family or friends you can turn to after it all comes out? Is it safe for you to tell him without someone else there? If you have messages from that vile other man report him to the police.

You have a saying 'no' problem. Unfortunately you've made it harder for yourself, you sound very vulnerable while also saying you 'enjoy attention' you don't have the strength to not take it further. Looking back, you might see the first no would of been the easiest and once on the path, each subsequent time becomes harder and harder until you are now in an emotional blackmail situation making it appear impossible, its not though, it never was.
You mention DC's, where was your DP when this guy walked you home and then you had sex? Where were your DC's?
Alcohol, poor judgement and casual sex, not a great combo, especially when there are DC's to consider.
So far, there is alcohol and lack of attention off your DP as your blame for contributing factors. Ultimately though, it's your bad choices, so it's you who needs to change that. So get help to quit drinking, block this OM from your life, tell your DP and face the consequences.
You need to look more deeply at what is wrong in your relationship. Why do you get no attention off you DP? Why are you looking to a man to make you feel good? Why have you put men in charge of your happiness?That never works, you need to respect yourself first, you should be the only one responsible for your self esteem.
It's a lot, so you'll need help. If you have reliable friends or family, confide in them for support.

Ok.

firstly the alcoholism. What are you doing to address this?
seconfly the cheating and bringing some random home for sex. This is very risky behaviour and I’m not sure being an alcoholic excuses it to be fair.
the threats, you need to block this man, stop answering the door. And if it comes to it. Call the police.

I don’t want to lose partner home or kids

Shame you didn't think of that before you had sex with someone else

Even if the OP was coerced the 3rd time, she willingly cheated on her husband the other 2 occasions

OP you have to tell your husband, for one thing it takes thd power away from this guy but more importantly he deserves to know you've cheated on him, and let him decide what he wants to do about your marriage

So what's your plan op? Keep shagging him and cheating rather than risk having to fess up? You need to stop this mess now. Tell the other bloke to fuck off or you'll call the police, and tell your husband what youve done. Yes it's going to be shit but surely having sex you don't want and being threatened and sneaking around is far worse than just facing the consequences of you cheating??

'hi Steven, just thought I'd let you know I've had sex three times last week with your missus' said no man in history who didn't want to get his head kicked in.

If he messages you again tell him you will go to the police as he is now harassing you and you want nothing to do with him. Then block him. I very much doubt he will come knocking on your door. Sounds like he enjoys bullying women. Not sure he would be interested in facing an angry husband.

Get tested and don’t risk passing anything on to DH.

Stop the drink and get counselling.

Decide what you want to do about your marriage. If there is any DV don’t tell DH about this man but you may have to leave if it’s likely to get back to him through mutual acquaintances.

If not, you will likely have to tell him at some point and then you both decide if you have a future or not.

Some of the messages here are really missing the main point that regardless of the morality of the situation, coerced sex is non consensual sex, and no amount of poor behaviour by the OP reduces or justifies that, any more than the way someone dresses would justify a consent violation either. Just because this is less palatable to people morally doesn’t make it less of a crime. They are first and foremost deserving of our support, and the condemnation for the cheating can come later once steps have been taken to secure themselves.

Unless I missed something, he didn't threaten to hurt you physically he threatened to tell your husband that you have sex with other men behind his back because you like the attention.
You're not scared of him. You're scared of the consequences of your own actions coming back to bite you in your ass.

🎯

She isn't sorry. She's only sorry that she's going to have to face the consequences of her actions.

I sincerely hope she used condoms.

The PP who reckons that the OP's partner is party to blame for her behaviour has just blown my mind.

There’s two choices. Either you tell cunt face no more sex and you tell your partner the truth. Or else you keep shagging him and making excuses, desperately hoping he doesn’t tell your partner, until he gets bored with the situation.

Its your choice OP but for me the first is the only real way forward

Just to add he did threaten to come to my home kick down the door and punch my partner in the face because he doesn’t care. So it’s a little more than just being scared he’ll tell him. He’s unstable. Yes I have a problem saying no so I gave in thinking it was easier. My first marriage he expected sex every night and it wasn’t worth it to say no. I was also raped when I was 13 so I know for me I view sex a bit differently. I wish I’d of been stronger and said no but I didn’t. I am getting help for my drinking because I never want to be in this situation again

The shaming and victim blaming on this thread has been disgraceful. I'm sorry it's added to your pain OP. Please contact Rape Crisis and speak to them about what's happened. They can guide you through your options.

What, you mean the part where she tried to blame her husband for the fact that she likes to get drunk and sleep with stange men because she likes attention?
Yes, very disgraceful

Actually first time we kissed a bit he started trying it on and I said no I can’t. And he didn’t listen. Second time I did it to shut him up and stop him messaging me non stop. I’m not excusing my actions but it’s not as black and white as that. I’ve also had several calls from him and horrible messages. I’m scared to block him as I actually think he’s just very unstable. He has never been inside my house it was by my house in an alley way and I felt intimidated by him and wished I hadn’t let him walk when back

Tell your husband that story then.
He knows you better than any of us so surely would believe you right?

Just to say thank you to some of the lovely people on here who actually didn’t immediately judge and be nasty. Everyone makes mistakes I know mines massive but I can’t change it now. And I’m just scared it wasn’t excuses it was more explaining the situation a little

You know very well which part I mean. The part where she was coerced into sex with this man who was threatening her and who she was afraid of. It doesn't matter what led up to the crime, the fact is she was raped and a pack of hyaenas have descended on her.

Why would I do that? I really have no interest in trying to wind people up. I’ve just found this a supportive place in the past

You can't change it but you can accept responsibility for your part.
Tell your husband the truth.
What other option do you think you have? Because you obviously can't keep sleeping with him to keep him happy.