Am I being shallow?

[laura6767]

I’ve been on 4 dates with someone over the past 2-3 weeks, he’s 30, I’m 31.
He is a great guy, we’ve had some fun dates. The last one we spent all day together and we did run out of things to talk about by the end of the night but we were both tired. It’s annoying because he is one of the only guys I have met from the apps who hasn’t shown any red flags by now, so I really want to give things a go.
The problem is the more time I’m spending with him, the less keen I am on him in a romantic sense. I think he has been angling to come back to mine the last two dates and I’m just not feeling it. I like to get to know someone a bit more before spending the night as I just don’t feel comfortable otherwise.
He has told me a couple of times he thinks I’m out of his league. The big reservation I have is around a potential future. I would like to get married and have a family in the next few years and I am dating with this in mind. He told me how much he earns and it’s less than half of what I do. We live in London so nothings cheap. He told me he had no ambitions to earn more as he doesn't need more money and he didn’t think a stressful job is worth the money. That’s fair enough but he also complains about his ‘horrible house share’ with a tiny room because it’s cheap.
I find driven guys with their own things going on, really attractive. For context I am not trying to date some really rich guy. I just want someone on my level. I’m a professional, somewhat career focussed but also enjoy a work life balance and a home owner. I would describe myself as a go getter. I have lots of hobbies and friends. He dosnt seem to have any outside of work friends. He has moved from Australia a couple of years ago so that explains the lack of local friends a bit. I find he wants to see me all the time and I’ve usually got other things on but have made time to see him where possible. I’ve always been independent and find that quite attractive in another person too.
He does seem to like me a lot and he is a really nice guy, we have lots of fun together, but I’m worried I’d be settling for him. AIBU for considering ending things for these reasons? Am I putting too much pressure on things by thinking whether this could work long term/for marriage?
Dating is soooo difficult at the moment and I’m feeling like I’ll never meet the right guy. And decency/kindness are the most important things to me. Maybe I won’t find this again?

Stop acting out of fear and have faith you’ll meet someone who actually excites you.

not because he ‘doesn’t show any red flags’.

if these things are bothering you now it will not get better.

Don't settle for this guy. He's right about one thing; you are out of his league. You can do so much better, trust your instincts.

You've been on four dates with someone and you're not keen on him. Don't go on another. Sorted.

The biggest predictor of relationship longevity is shared values. You two don't have them. Dump him (as nicely as possible), he's not what you're looking for.

At this stage in your life OP you need to be around someone who is your equal - you don’t have to have all of the same interests, but shared values matter.
Just because this guy isn’t showing major red flags in terms of his personality, the way he lives is very different to your approach.
What happens further down the line if you want to go on a break or on holiday, for example?
If your ultimate goal is to have children, for example, how on earth would it work?
Long term relationships can really falter over these issues - you only have to read some of the posts on here.
If he’s happy in his work and doesn’t want more from life than that’s his choice and it’s fine for him. Let him meet someone who feels the same.
However, a man of his age complaining about his grotty flat share, doesn’t want a better job, but knows full well he’s met someone who earns considerably more and probably has a nice, comfy home? It’s not sinister, by any means, but I am sure it would be lovely for him to spend the night there. And another.
It is only 4 dates. You’ve had a lovely time and no harm has come to either of you. But if you’re not feeling it even as a fun fling, I’d throw him back.

It's not shallow to not click with somebody. Just because you've been on 4 dates doesn't mean you're obligated to spend eternity with him.

You know the answer to this, don’t stick with someone you’re not really into, it’s not fair on either of you. Both of you need to go and find someone right.

I hate that term. She isn't out of league at all, she's absolutely no better than he is, they're just not compatible. She's not some distant prize that only the best men deserve!

Of course she bloody is a prize that only the best man for her is worthy of. How rude.

Throw this one back. He's right for someone but not for you.

You are allowed to have these gut feelings and they are there for a reason.

He seems like a bit of a cock lodger in the making.

You are just not compatible, it's as simple as that. You both have different values and goals so best to part ways now.

Send him to me 😂
but seriously I’m in a similar situation to him, similar age, no ambition for a high paying job, etc and I never feel ‘compatible’ with ‘out of my league’ people with lots of friends and hobbies and money.
I think I phrased that badly but in my experience, it may not work in the long run. My last man was the same and I couldn’t relate.

He's not the right one for you OP.

"Of course she bloody is a prize that only the best man for her is worthy of. How rude."

@Meowzabub No, what's rude is implying this man is not good enough for her. He is as much a prize as what she is. She is not better than him. They are simply not compatible.

The woman is always the prize.

I'm sorry you don't understand that.

You are NOT COMPATIBLE. Not even a little bit. Please be smart enought to end this now. Your outlooks for the future are light-years apart.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Don’t do it, he’ll stealth move into your house. It happened to me. 3.5 years later and I’m finally free.

Totally agree. Its not a Disney movie where the fair maiden is in an ivory tower awaiting her prince.

They’re just very different people with different lives - not comparable, nothing more complicated than that.

It's true. If a man doesn't believe you are the prize, the relationship is fucked from day 1. A man with a woman who he doesn't view as the prize is a man who's got himself a place holder until the prize comes along.

I prefer my husband to view me in the same way as I view him, as his equal, which thankfully, he does. Wanting a man to view me as a prize is so cringeworthy it's hilarious.

That's your choice. I personally think it's a poor choice though because relationships can never be fully equal. I prefer my husband to be thankful each and every day that I choose to be with him and appreciate the sacrifices I've made to have and raise his children.

Do you not appreciate him then?

Something quite grim about this. Relationships are equal.