Am I being shallow?

[laura6767]

I’ve been on 4 dates with someone over the past 2-3 weeks, he’s 30, I’m 31.
He is a great guy, we’ve had some fun dates. The last one we spent all day together and we did run out of things to talk about by the end of the night but we were both tired. It’s annoying because he is one of the only guys I have met from the apps who hasn’t shown any red flags by now, so I really want to give things a go.
The problem is the more time I’m spending with him, the less keen I am on him in a romantic sense. I think he has been angling to come back to mine the last two dates and I’m just not feeling it. I like to get to know someone a bit more before spending the night as I just don’t feel comfortable otherwise.
He has told me a couple of times he thinks I’m out of his league. The big reservation I have is around a potential future. I would like to get married and have a family in the next few years and I am dating with this in mind. He told me how much he earns and it’s less than half of what I do. We live in London so nothings cheap. He told me he had no ambitions to earn more as he doesn't need more money and he didn’t think a stressful job is worth the money. That’s fair enough but he also complains about his ‘horrible house share’ with a tiny room because it’s cheap.
I find driven guys with their own things going on, really attractive. For context I am not trying to date some really rich guy. I just want someone on my level. I’m a professional, somewhat career focussed but also enjoy a work life balance and a home owner. I would describe myself as a go getter. I have lots of hobbies and friends. He dosnt seem to have any outside of work friends. He has moved from Australia a couple of years ago so that explains the lack of local friends a bit. I find he wants to see me all the time and I’ve usually got other things on but have made time to see him where possible. I’ve always been independent and find that quite attractive in another person too.
He does seem to like me a lot and he is a really nice guy, we have lots of fun together, but I’m worried I’d be settling for him. AIBU for considering ending things for these reasons? Am I putting too much pressure on things by thinking whether this could work long term/for marriage?
Dating is soooo difficult at the moment and I’m feeling like I’ll never meet the right guy. And decency/kindness are the most important things to me. Maybe I won’t find this again?

He's not going to seem so nice when you're working long hours, paying for everything, likely doing most of the home stuff and he's sat on the couch all evening.

@Meowzabub cherish is the word your looking for.
My dh cherishes me.

@Meowzabub I wonder why your husband has you outsourcing things rather than doing them for you himself? My husband does all of our housework (literally all of it), he works full time, earns significantly more than I do, shares the childcare equally with me, makes the time for us and always tells me he loves me. I don't have to outsource anything at all because he makes the effort to do things himself. I also wonder if you have any sons and if so whether you teach them they have less value and matter less than a daughter would, that their value on this Earth is less important etc. Because that is no better than anyone thinking women are less than men, I value and love my husband very much and clearly he values and loves me too. We are equally blessed to have each other and for that we are both grateful every day.

@OP sorry your thread is being derailed by someone's archaic views on relationships. I think you'd do well to avoid terms like "red flag, out of his league" etc. I also wonder why he told you his salary, that seems like a weird thing to bandy about so early in dating. If it helps my husband worked part time in a minimum wage job while at uni when we met, he lived in a flat-share and planned to stay studying for yeeeears. He also didn't drive at the time so at that time I earned more, worked more, did all the driving and had my own place. But fast forward a couple of years and we had bought our own house, we had a baby, he graduated and took on a high paying job, he learned to drive and we married. Sometimes people do things at different paces and this guy might be similar. It's down to you whether you want to date him more and give it time or whether you feel he's not going to change and find someone else. You have options and you will find happiness again whether it's with this man or someone else so put a bit less pressure on you and him. I will say though that old adage of "when you know, you know" is true so trust your heart.

Personally I wouldn't rule out someone who earned less but I'd need to have my own financial security sorted. What you would end up with is you being the main breadwinner. If you couldn't support him being part time then don't do it as you will struggle financially. If it breaks down he won't be able to contribute a lot financially and you will be screwed. Sorry to be purely cold and logical but that's how it is.

MN is full of main breadwinner women with children who also carry the housekeeping and mental load.

Their laid back partners making a half arsed effort of everything they do whilst enjoying the lifestyle their wife provides.

Nothing quite like having to return early from mat leave to provide for an unambitious man, often still doing the night awakenings, and knowing that reduced hours to spend extra time with your children will NEVER be an option for you.

A fool's game.
Him unhappily living in a awful shared house, whilst doing nothing about it should be all you need to know about where his head is at. No plans to up skill, increase his earning potential?

I knew someone who's daughter did this and had two children. She so loved him.
However, 5 years in she found she was doing 95% of everything and paying for it all, as he was increasingly using his wage for hobbies.

It was his delight in her parents offer to fund a deposit for a house made her see finally that he would never step up.
She cut back their spending and got au pair in to support her.

Six months later she asked her parents could she move home and gave her landlord notice that she wasn't renewing the lease.

She organised it all and told him it was over, she was moving home and he was on his own. He made every sort of promise and was devastated. She was too tired to care.
They divorce and her parents helped her buy a small house. Her career has gone from strength to strength since and she remains single.

Having children with a laid back man who lacks ambition and doesn't pay his way is inevitably a disaster.

Love/respect doesn't be long heading out the window in such a situation.

Your 31 and he is 30. You been working hard and have a decent salary. You want to get married and have children in the next few years. You recently met a man who is 30.
He is earning far less than you. He won't change jobs because he does not want the stress.
He has also told you that he does not like living in a grotty room in a house share.

You gone on a few dates and he is keen to sleep with you. Your intuition is saying to wait a while. I think you know that he not the right man for you. At 30 years of age he is old enough to realise that if he changed jobs or did further training he could earn more money.
I have seen men like him with what I call no get up and go. They stay in a poor paying job rather than doing extra training and moving for more money. They complain about their lives but are not willing to work on improving their own situation. Then they expect a woman to come along and improve their lives.

I think that you want a man similar to yourself with a better job and similar long term goals. You don't want to be supporting him and a child or two in x number of years time. You might like to be with a man like you but just be aware that you may carry more of the load if you have a family in time.

I think you need to tell this man it's over as you feel that long term you both want different things. You both deserve to be with people who think your both great. You want to be with someone who has similar interests,work ethic, is not lazy and working towards improving their own life and not expecting you to carry them.

I know couples where she earns far more but he is there doing housework, childcare and carrying this load so she can travel, do extra course ect. They decided this was the best thing jointly to make things work as a family.

If you're seeing issues this early into the relationship then it doesn't bode well, really. You should be floating on air, not questioning whether he's right for you.

You're still young enough to meet someone with whom you're more ideally matched xx