Partner accepted a job abroad without telling me. Is it over?

[BoilingFrog101]

My DP (both 30), together for nearly four years, has accepted a job in the US. It’s a great position and one I would have supported, but he didn’t tell me he was applying for overseas roles and just announced that he was moving as a fact. He then gave me an ultimatum – marry him, quit my job, and move out with him - or the relationship was over (I didn’t answer either way). I feel completely betrayed. He’s now moved out and is rarely in contact – just the occasional Whatsapp. What’s more, I’ve already cleared a few weeks 'working from abroad allowance' with my manager to go out and be with him. However, he’s done no such thing in return, and doesn’t seem to have any plans of coming back to the UK to see me. It feels like it’s all me making the effort to make long distance work. He’ll be back in 4 years – but it’s basically over and he’s check out – isn’t it? Should I run mile (not that i need to with the Atlantic in between!)?

Off he goes then! Bye 👋🏼

He's left the relationship but was just too cowardly to say it straight.

Please don't tell me you are even considering either going with him or waiting for four years for his return! He's dumped you in the most elaborate way.

Wow he has been a shit to you!

Are you even sure above the job?

Either way - he's a prick

You've dodged a bullet

Bet he'll be the kind to totally gaslight you if the job turns out to not be what he wants

Run a mile.

It's an attitude that demonstrates that you will always be an afterthought for him. Only included in his plans if you make the compromises to fit in. Who wants to live like that. If you have any self-respect at all, it's over.

Wow what a loser thing to do

What an utter prick and I'm so sorry OP, how gutting.

Please do not leave your job, your life and your support network to be with him. He is not a good partner. 💙

He's basically dumped you in a horrible cowardly way. Absolutely don't go out there to visit him, what on earth would be the point?

Let this one go and try to be grateful you've dodged a bullet, it must hurt now but you are better off without a man who would do this.

thanks all! amazing quick responses! I know this is all right and I'd say the same to any friend. But it's love - very hard to read the label from inside the bottle. I also worry about being single and starting from square 1 in my 30s (want kids at some point). We were planning our wedding whilst he was applying for this job in the US. Just so gutted. I just don't understand

You were planning a wedding???
Did you live together? Oh my heart hurts for you. This isn't how you treat someone you love, is it. And I don't think this is how you want to be loved, either. Is a man capable of this really the type of man you'd have a happy life with? I don't think so. I'm so sorry OP.

I’m really sorry but it sounds to me like he wants to split but he’s a total coward and wants to make you the ‘bad guy’ who refuses to ‘follow his dream’ and move overseas.

I know a number of women who have done this (years ago so the laws may have changed). None of them were allowed to work (they were all on visas that let them live in the US but not work there). All of them found it incredibly difficult.

You’ve suggested working temporarily from the US but there are all sorts of tax implications in doing so and I think you recognise it’s not a long term option. Sadly I suspect your (not so) DP knows that too.

What a bastard. He didn't even have the courage to tell you it was over. His actions are telling you that, though.

Did he leave anything behind? What about rent/mortgage?

I think he has been selfish and self absorbed but sadly that’s not uncommon - particularly for young ambitious guys. I don’t think he’s necessarily dumped you - just focussed on his own desires and assumed you would follow him. If you want to marry him why not consider giving it a go? Maybe try a trip out first and look for a career break from your job if possible should you want to return.

I'm sorry op.
You dodged a bullet. Let him go. He's back you into a corner here. Your still young it's not too late to start again..this guy is a dick.

But it’s not love, is it? You don’t treat someone you love like that. If he loved you he’d have sat down with you and had a discussion about it, and you would have made a joint decision after weighing up the pros and cons.That’s love, and that’s respect. He has treated you with no love and no respect. He's basically got as far away from you as he possibly could and is now making no effort to see you. It’s over and he did it in the shittiest most cowardly way. This is not a good man and you deserve much much better.

Wow, that is an elaborate dump move. Sorry op. Don't go with him, don't wait for him.

Don't give up your whole world for a man who cares so little for you Op. Any decent man would have talked it through with you first before applying. Since you mention you want children I'd be very wary here, if you had a child in the US and your DH became a US citizen you couldn't bring them back to the UK without their DFs permission. If your marriage broke you could end up stuck there or having to leave your DC behind.

Part of ‘love’ is being a team, not accepting a job offer abroad without discussion and then giving you an ultimatum.
You be you and not someone’s afterthought, absolutely disgraceful behaviour on his part.
He does not call the shots, it’s your life remember that.

The way that he’s done this shows he wants out; the fact he did this while you were planning a wedding - it sounds like he didn’t know how to say he didn’t want to get married so he’s actually left the country. Sorry you’re in this situation, @BoilingFrog101. It must be a huge shock when your relationship appeared to be moving closer together, not rocketing to an end. You will be fine but it’s bound to hurt like hell for a while.

why didn't you take the marry and move option?

Sounds like on Friends when Chandler told Janice he was moving to Yemen to get rid of her. She insisted on seeing him off at the airport though so he ended up having to actually take a flight to Yemen.

You were planning your wedding and he’s basically said I’m moving to the U.S, upped and left and now all you get is an occasional WhatsApp from him?!

All of this out of the blue?

What a shitbag.

What is the backstory? Was he always selfish and cowardly? If you were completely honest with yourself did you know you wouldn’t get married?