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Original poster

Partner accepted a job abroad without telling me. Is it over?

70 replies

BoilingFrog101 · 15/07/2024 17:38

My DP (both 30), together for nearly four years, has accepted a job in the US. It’s a great position and one I would have supported, but he didn’t tell me he was applying for overseas roles and just announced that he was moving as a fact. He then gave me an ultimatum – marry him, quit my job, and move out with him - or the relationship was over (I didn’t answer either way). I feel completely betrayed. He’s now moved out and is rarely in contact – just the occasional Whatsapp. What’s more, I’ve already cleared a few weeks 'working from abroad allowance' with my manager to go out and be with him. However, he’s done no such thing in return, and doesn’t seem to have any plans of coming back to the UK to see me. It feels like it’s all me making the effort to make long distance work. He’ll be back in 4 years – but it’s basically over and he’s check out – isn’t it? Should I run mile (not that i need to with the Atlantic in between!)?

OP posts:
Dery · 15/07/2024 19:36

Sorry, OP - ignore me - I managed to overlook that he said to marry him and then move.

Samethinghappenedtome · 15/07/2024 19:37

Sounds very familiar. Together 8 years and engaged. He took what was meant to be a secondment for a year to the US. Long story short, we agreed he'd go for the year and then come back and we'd get married. Well he went for a year, came back and said he'd been offered another 3. I said no. I wanted to get married and start a family, I was nearly 30 at this point.
He said I have to think about it.
I said not good enough.
He went back and I never saw him again.
20 years later, he's still there (i know thru friends) and I've never looked back.

Andwegoroundagain · 15/07/2024 19:39

Don't go out there OP. This is over, concentrate on the rest of your life! Giving up work to move out with him was a massive decision that he just expected of you and didn't consult you in the decision.

Forget about him sorry

CandyLeBonBon · 15/07/2024 19:41

Bloody hell what a nasty bastard. Sorry op, I hope you manage to get deposits etc back from the wedding planning. I'd be ripping the plaster off and accepting this is the end. If you don't you can expect a lifetime of being treated as an afterthought.

Jenrht · 15/07/2024 19:44

Allelbowsandtoes · 15/07/2024 17:44

What an utter prick and I'm so sorry OP, how gutting.

Please do not leave your job, your life and your support network to be with him. He is not a good partner. 💙

Totally agree with this post.

if you love someone you do not behave like this towards them. Hard I know when you so obviously love this man, but I believe that following him will bring far greater pain for you long term. He has made his position very clear.

Ethylred · 15/07/2024 19:45

He's left you and he's done it in a cowardly way. I'm sorry OP, but it's over.

JoanThursday · 15/07/2024 19:46

I don't think he'll ever change. My DH's father did this several times over the course of his childhood and teenage years. A couple were jobs abroad, the others to the other ends of the country.

It was always presented as a done deal, and MIL always had the job of packing up, moving and keeping the family home together, or staying put in the UK while her husband was abroad.

My FIL has never changed and has always put himself above everyone else. Because of it, MIL has led a very miserable life. Now nearly 80, I think she regrets not having left decades ago.

Jk987 · 15/07/2024 19:47

You will be fine. It will be difficult at first. 30 is not too late to start over again by a long way. Gather your friends and family for support.

You could call his bluff by saying you'll take up the marriage option (but don't follow through). Maybe that's just my mindset though!

newbeggins · 15/07/2024 19:49

What kind of husband will he be to you?

Think about that carefully before deciding to go over, even for a holiday.

Allelbowsandtoes · 15/07/2024 19:50

Jenrht · 15/07/2024 19:44

Totally agree with this post.

if you love someone you do not behave like this towards them. Hard I know when you so obviously love this man, but I believe that following him will bring far greater pain for you long term. He has made his position very clear.

Show quote history

Exactly.

Moving so far away would be a difficult thing to do in any circumstances but imagine doing that with a man who's treated you like this.

When you've had a hard week and you're missing your family and friends, you'll need him to support you and hug you while you cry, and I don't imagine he'll be forthcoming wirh that support.

Mumoftwo1316 · 15/07/2024 19:51

Pps have all said he's done this to run away from you and he's too cowardly to say he doesn't want to get married.

The alternative is that he's the kind of man who sees women as appendages, like a pet dog or something. He doesn't need to consult you because (he thinks) he just needs to shout Heel! and you'll trot after him.

Either way, not a man I'd care to marry

DullFanFiction · 15/07/2024 19:54

Please don’t move and marry him.
In no time, you’ll end up with kids, that will be American, and you’ll never be able to come back to the U.K.

As someone who is an immigrant and has had to reconsider her marriage, it’s a really hard place to be in.

TheCultureHusks · 15/07/2024 19:55

Look, the way he has treated you, the total and utter lack of respect or care or the slightest thought that your relationship should be one of equals, the completely assumption that he gets to do exactly what he likes and you get to be told to put up and shut up or get out… honestly, if you even consider this man as a suitable partner now you would be mad. And the father of your children? Jesus. Walk away from this controlling, rude, emotionless nutjob, is the only advice I have.

The fact that you were planning a wedding together and all the time he was doing this behind your back is nothing short of chilling. There is no way I’d want to be within a hundred yards of this utter creep.

Fluffyhoglets · 15/07/2024 19:56

I wouldn't waste any more of your 30s on this man now. He could keep you dangling for years and if you move there and have children you're stuck there.

Original poster
BoilingFrog101 · 15/07/2024 19:59

thanks, all. Moved to tears but seems very clear what the answer is. For some of the questions - no, things weren't particularly rosey before. We had no financial link as he moved back home with his parents to save money - and then barely came up to london to see me - just playing playstation instead - to the extent he left me on my birthday to go back home rather than staying the night. He hated his parents though, and that may have been a reason to move overseas (also has a sister but they are completely estranged for reasons i'm not even sure about). I may be a fool for going along with this - but i did see the 'marriage and move' option as reckless and a huge risk (i have significantly more assets than him if it came to that). He also stopped saying he loved me some time ago - which i noticed but was too afraid to challenge :(

OP posts:
MulberryBushRoundabout · 15/07/2024 20:02

I’m sorry OP, sounds like he’s checked out of the relationship a while ago. He’s planned his own adventure, and he’s willing to take you with him but doesn’t care if you don’t join him.

The favour he’s done you is showing his true colours before you marry him. It is an incredibly selfish thing to have even considered doing.

Starfish1021 · 15/07/2024 20:09

Well it’s over and while that is horrible and painful at least you know where you stand before you blow up your life. Take some time to grieve the end of the relationship, then try to find someone who treats you like a partner. Try not to expend any more energy and time into this relationship. It clearly does not serve you.

stormstormystormstorm · 15/07/2024 20:10

He sounds like a true prince!!!

Dust yourself off and carry on. You are worth so much more than that cowardly little fecker

Allelbowsandtoes · 15/07/2024 20:10

BoilingFrog101 · 15/07/2024 19:59

thanks, all. Moved to tears but seems very clear what the answer is. For some of the questions - no, things weren't particularly rosey before. We had no financial link as he moved back home with his parents to save money - and then barely came up to london to see me - just playing playstation instead - to the extent he left me on my birthday to go back home rather than staying the night. He hated his parents though, and that may have been a reason to move overseas (also has a sister but they are completely estranged for reasons i'm not even sure about). I may be a fool for going along with this - but i did see the 'marriage and move' option as reckless and a huge risk (i have significantly more assets than him if it came to that). He also stopped saying he loved me some time ago - which i noticed but was too afraid to challenge :(

Oh crikey, in that case he's done you an absolute favour.

You'll look back in only a few months and be so glad you've broken up, trust me. He wasn't right for you and he wasn't putting the effort in even before this America madness.

Gillypie23 · 15/07/2024 20:11

That's the most awful way to end relationship. I'm sorry he doesn't love you. It's hard. Don't follow him .

AutumnFroglets · 15/07/2024 20:11

to the extent he left me on my birthday to go back home rather than staying the night. He hated his parents

Read that back to yourself.

He hated his parents and yet he preferred their company to yours. That should have been your lightbulb moment. You need to ask yourself why it wasn't.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/07/2024 20:13

Hates his parents, estranged from his sister, treats you like this...

We're looking for an answer other than 'he's a fuckwit'?

Lick your wounds, dust yourself off, if you find another bloke make sure he has a happy and healthy relationship with his family.

HcbSS · 15/07/2024 20:15

This makes horrible reading. I am so glad you have found out what he is like before making a huge mistake.

Surround yourself with good people. Forget this arsehole.

GingerPirate · 15/07/2024 20:16

WetBandits · 15/07/2024 17:39

Off he goes then! Bye 👋🏼

Yes, it's over, sorry.
This is not the way to deal with such a situation.
Don't marry him, don't quit your job.
You are young. 🏵️

Dressinggowntime · 15/07/2024 20:16

4 years is a long time to date. I wouldn’t date anyone for this long without an engagement if you’re over 25. He’s gone. Get cracking dating others and don’t get sucked into another dead end relationship with a time waster