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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner accepted a job abroad without telling me. Is it over?

70 replies

BoilingFrog101 · 15/07/2024 17:38

My DP (both 30), together for nearly four years, has accepted a job in the US. It’s a great position and one I would have supported, but he didn’t tell me he was applying for overseas roles and just announced that he was moving as a fact. He then gave me an ultimatum – marry him, quit my job, and move out with him - or the relationship was over (I didn’t answer either way). I feel completely betrayed. He’s now moved out and is rarely in contact – just the occasional Whatsapp. What’s more, I’ve already cleared a few weeks 'working from abroad allowance' with my manager to go out and be with him. However, he’s done no such thing in return, and doesn’t seem to have any plans of coming back to the UK to see me. It feels like it’s all me making the effort to make long distance work. He’ll be back in 4 years – but it’s basically over and he’s check out – isn’t it? Should I run mile (not that i need to with the Atlantic in between!)?

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 15/07/2024 20:19

He was always this guy, it’s just that now it’s blatantly obvious.

Grieve and lick your wounds, you future self is thanking her lucky stars that this bullet has been dodged.

Charlize43 · 15/07/2024 20:20

From what you've written, it sounds like he checked out before he accepted the job. I am so sorry.

Move on and forget him. Live your own life.

TemuSpecialBuy · 15/07/2024 20:20

BoilingFrog101 · 15/07/2024 19:59

thanks, all. Moved to tears but seems very clear what the answer is. For some of the questions - no, things weren't particularly rosey before. We had no financial link as he moved back home with his parents to save money - and then barely came up to london to see me - just playing playstation instead - to the extent he left me on my birthday to go back home rather than staying the night. He hated his parents though, and that may have been a reason to move overseas (also has a sister but they are completely estranged for reasons i'm not even sure about). I may be a fool for going along with this - but i did see the 'marriage and move' option as reckless and a huge risk (i have significantly more assets than him if it came to that). He also stopped saying he loved me some time ago - which i noticed but was too afraid to challenge :(

As someone who has been here(ish) and is 10 years down the road....

In my beautiful house...
With my not-always-perfect but kind funny good and loving husband who is "perfect for me"
And my gorgeous dickhead dog...
Andddd my 2 delightful babies who are the lights of my life...

All of which i thought would prob NEVER happen for me

I can honestly tell you i have never ONCE had one single fucking regret.
Even if i hadnt met my dh and stayed single.... my single life (it took about 4 years to find mr temu!) was still way fucking better than my life was or would have been with my arsehole ex. There was no a day i regretted ending it.

Thulpelly · 15/07/2024 20:22

NO don’t marry him.
It is over, go be free/with someone who respects you more to tell you they are moving countries

LadyChilli · 15/07/2024 20:24

OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 15/07/2024 17:43

Run a mile.

It's an attitude that demonstrates that you will always be an afterthought for him. Only included in his plans if you make the compromises to fit in. Who wants to live like that. If you have any self-respect at all, it's over.

Sorry, yes. Good you're seeing it. What a horrible way to behave. I think most people would be able to tolerate far more that they would otherwise in the way of relationship sacrifices if they were just part of the decision, but you haven't been at all.

But it's love - very hard to read the label from inside the bottle.

I love this @BoilingFrog101 what a great way of putting it.

Gettingbysomehow · 15/07/2024 20:25

I wouldn't be going anywhere with a man who makes huge decisions like this without talking to me and gives me ultimatums.
Absolutely not.

Getonwitit · 15/07/2024 20:31

He isn't in the slightest bit bothered. Say goodbye.

Shan5474 · 15/07/2024 20:40

You gave him your answer by not marrying him and quitting your job. And I think it was definitely the right answer. Someone who does this is not your partner and is only thinking about themselves. I know it hurts but he’s given you a gift, you deserve way better and now you’re free to find him

Hibernatalie · 15/07/2024 20:44

wtf is he ok?
Absolutely throw him out - shocking behaviour.

StormingNorman · 15/07/2024 20:51

What a prize! I’m so sorry @BoilingFrog101 you must be heartbroken after four years and plans for the future. It’s cold comfort now, but your family with him wouldn’t have been a happy one. The best thing he did for you was leave so you can find someone who deserves you.

LlynTegid · 15/07/2024 20:54

End it if you have not already done so.

Qwerty111 · 15/07/2024 22:56

Everyone else has said what I’m thinking, I just wanted to recommend a clean break now, before he leaves. Don’t get pulled into helping him plan or organise anything. Don’t be his security blanket for the first few difficult days when he feels a little lonely. That will just prolong the breakup and keep you dangling.

MounjaroUser · 15/07/2024 23:10

Hang on, I thought this guy was going to be someone who was worth having. You're talking about a man who can't get on with anyone, who prefers his PlayStation to socialising, who doesn't say he loves you, who's booked a job abroad without a word...

Can you see that he's not worth your time and energy? He won't make a success of life over there. He'll probably come crawling back. However by then your life will be completely different and he'll just be a joke you tell your friends about when you're having a few drinks.

Deathraystare · 17/07/2024 09:40

Off you fuck then mate!

Atsocta · 22/10/2024 23:29

You’re better off without that rat!! What a cowardly thing to do ..
move on x

BlackToes · 22/10/2024 23:33

Have you asked why he didn’t tell you about the application and interview beforehand?

pikkumyy77 · 22/10/2024 23:40

BoilingFrog101 · 15/07/2024 19:59

This is a blessing in disguise. I put an ad in the paper at thirty, dated 12 men simultaneously, and by 35 was married to number 6 and we have now been together 34 years, two children, very happy. Thirty is a grand time to reinvent yourself!

My point is that this man you were with was an absolute wanker and future faker. He has done you a huge favour. Don’t look back! Just throw yourself open to possibilities. The love of your life could be around the corner.

saraclara · 22/10/2024 23:41

WhosEmmaaaaaaa · 15/07/2024 19:30

why didn't you take the marry and move option?

Why do you think?

Maybe it's something to do with not wanting to marry someone who would go behind her back to make a huge life decision that involved her, without even mentioning that he was thinking about it, never mind asking her opinion? Or maybe she doesn't want to marry someone who deals in ultimatums?

I could go on...

DemelzaandRoss · 23/10/2024 08:53

Sorry for the way you have been heartlessly treated.
There’s no hope at all for this relationship.
Be kind to yourself.

museumum · 23/10/2024 09:09

So sorry you’ve been through this but my god it’s an opportunity! Be glad to be free to try again and meet someone who loves you and treats you as an equal. This relationship was over in his mind and you’ve had a lucky escape not going through with the wedding.

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