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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me. I'm a regular and I've just kicked out my husband....but gawd, I love him so much,,,

89 replies

pacificqueen · 11/04/2008 22:41

but he totally betrayed my trust tonight and I don't know if I can forgive him

I have no family. My friends are everything to me. And tonight, he sat down and admitted he had read all my emails to my closest friends and I feel betrayed. though I NEVER said anything that would put him down, I did disclose certain personal information and he was a tad upset but I am more upset at my trust being betrayed. Why did he feel the need to do this? I love him but my friends are SO important to me as they are all I have and I like to think that what I say to them stays with them iyswim.

OP posts:

SlartyBartFast · 12/04/2008 09:20

hope it is getting better.

actually i was going to add emails are not private. due to the nature of the internet. i read recently they are like post cards, if people want to read them hard enough. was going to suggest you stopped emailing and phoned your friends.
otherwise what would you do, delete them? if he doesn't like that you email your friends...

morningpaper · 12/04/2008 09:58

Hope you are ok, have been thinking about you

Original poster

pacificqueen · 12/04/2008 10:19

thank you for thinking about me .

I have read back what I wrote and should have said that I was very veeeeeeery drunk last night.

We have spoken, we have laughed, we have cuddled and we have cried.

The root cause is that we have too little time together and his imagination goes wild and he resents my precious time being taken up by others. I know that sounds bad but when I tell you that last month, quite seriously, we only saw each other for 2 days (and a few evenings, but not many), then it probably puts it into context. Our working hours don't coincide and both our jobs take us away a lot and it is a problem (esp when one partner has a tendency to be jealous!) and we need to come to some sort of arrangement whereby we get to spend more time together.

How we do that, I don't know. But we will. We both want to. We are both very sorry, we both love each other very much and we will Make This Work.

Thank you for being so kind last night. I was v v sad. Haven't cried, sobbed, like that in years.

OP posts:

morningpaper · 12/04/2008 10:21

I'm really glad you are feeling more positive and that you are talking

We are always here if you need us x

PaninoPan · 12/04/2008 10:25

Hurray for PQ and dp!! Good to know that lovely concept of 'commitment' is still alive and kicking!!

madamez · 12/04/2008 11:01

Glad its sorted. or at least will be sorted as long as both of you are putting the effort in.

chocolatespiders · 12/04/2008 11:03

glad you got it sorted....
read this last night but didnt know what to say.. and others were being more helpful...

keep talking it is the best way foward

best wishes

DoodleToYou · 12/04/2008 11:04

Message withdrawn

Twinkie1 · 12/04/2008 11:07

Seems he is not allowed to over react and be jealous but you are so over reacting chucking him out for reading emails regardless of how little family you have - shouldn't you just have a more open and honest relationship with him and then he won't have to resort to reading your emails?

Throwing someone out is huge - you are reacting to his jealousy which he has because he has issues, well understand those issues and don't then blame your over reaction on your issues. What if he came back and said bollocks I can't deal with you throwing me out over something so trivial and put and end to your relationship - no matter what I would never throw my DH out - well violence or an affair - throwing out is huge!

morningpaper · 12/04/2008 11:17

Twinkie read the thread. You have not grasped the posters' situation at all.

Original poster

pacificqueen · 12/04/2008 11:24

Cost of 3 books from Waterstones £18, cost of coffee and croissants from cafe, £10, hiring a dvd from the shop, £8, 30 minutes peace and quiet from the children when you are horrifically hungover, Priceless.

Twinkie, I needed space to think and couldn't do it with him there. I apologised. He has apologised. I won't say it was a mistake because in the heat of the situation, it felt like the right thing to do. I'm not in the HABIT of doing stuff like this at all. We have a good relationship - we are open and we talk to each other and all these issues have only appeared recently due to not spending enough time together.

We are both FT WOTH parents with v stressful jobs. We have made sure the kids are very well looked after, we keep an eye on the nanny and look after her, we take care with our jobs because we both need them financially, but we've been neglecting each other lately and we will BOTH do something about this.

I think the stresses of family life, financial, emotional, responsibilities can sometimes all get a bit much and last night, it all came to a head. That's all really.

OP posts:

littlelapin · 12/04/2008 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

B1977 · 13/04/2008 21:24

Glad you are both OK, hope you manage to sort out the seeing more of each other side of things, sounds like you will though after wuch a horrible night for both of you

purpleduck · 13/04/2008 21:54

I just read the whole thread, and I am glad PQ and dp sorted things out...

BUT...

You say that you don't "get" him being jealous (and it does sound like he has a bit of an ishoo)
Your issue seems to be that you have had trouble with your family, and as you said repeatedly, "friends are all you have."

Part of loving each other is accepting each other's faults (unless it goes into abuse etc.) You may not "get" the jealousy, and tbh it sounds like he doesn't "get" your closeness with your friends.
One of the hardest things about being in along term relationship is that you sometimes have to accept that your partner is flawed, and still love them - and also try to have the confidence to accept their love for you.

Good Luck

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