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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me. I'm a regular and I've just kicked out my husband....but gawd, I love him so much,,,

89 replies

pacificqueen · 11/04/2008 22:41

but he totally betrayed my trust tonight and I don't know if I can forgive him

I have no family. My friends are everything to me. And tonight, he sat down and admitted he had read all my emails to my closest friends and I feel betrayed. though I NEVER said anything that would put him down, I did disclose certain personal information and he was a tad upset but I am more upset at my trust being betrayed. Why did he feel the need to do this? I love him but my friends are SO important to me as they are all I have and I like to think that what I say to them stays with them iyswim.

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Original poster
pacificqueen · 11/04/2008 23:22

yes, I tiptoe around all the time .

One of my great friends from work who I have known for YEARS is a bloke but I cannot see him without dh going absolutely mad and asking 100 details and making comments about meeting him WEEKS before I do. It makes me sad because my male friends are so important to me.

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Original poster
pacificqueen · 11/04/2008 23:23

and the worst thing is, all my male friends and I ever discuss is work and gambling and sport. It's NOTHING. Nothing at all. And I like them and love them in many ways. But he's ruining all of that for me. I hardly see them anymore because it creates such a fuss, it's just not worth it.

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Original poster
pacificqueen · 11/04/2008 23:24

How do I get him to do that morningpaper?

He's just texted me saying that he will sort himself out but what do I need to ask him to do?

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kama · 11/04/2008 23:26

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littlelapin · 11/04/2008 23:26

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BoysAreLikeDogs · 11/04/2008 23:27

Pacific Queen this is starting to sound rather awful

What do you want to do , I mean really ?

Can you see yourself carrying on as you are, tiptoeing around, forsaking male friends forever, limiting your life?

Can you see a way of changing the relationship you currently have without wrecking all the good that you have together? Counselling might be the way forward

morningpaper · 11/04/2008 23:27

Is he open to the idea of counselling? That's something you need to talk about tomorrow I think. It's hard to sort yourself out when you have self-esteem issues and probably loads of other issues too.

It isn't easy but tonight is not the end of the world and with the right approach it could turn into something positive.

kama · 11/04/2008 23:27

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morningpaper · 11/04/2008 23:29

(It is a nice idea but I don't think you should have to invite friends round TBH. They are YOUR friends.)

Original poster
pacificqueen · 11/04/2008 23:32

Oh he knows all of them. That's not it kama. It's him. Not me or my friends.

He would never go to counselling. Well, he might go now if I told him it was a condition of him coming back but I am really not the dragon you all think I am. I am a COMPLETE and utter softie but my friends are REALLY important to me. That's all. And I find it so so so hard to be with a man who cannot understand that. That's all. I'm not some premenstrual mad person who throws her husband out on a whim. As I said, I love him but I also LOVE my freedom and my friends and iN MY MIND, a partnership with someone, DOES NOT MEAN forsaking everything other than your partner.

Maybe I should suggest counselling? Do you think it would work for him? The thing is, I know I'm not easy. I know that. But I'm not that bad. And I love him. And he knows that.

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Original poster
pacificqueen · 11/04/2008 23:33

god, I have never wanted to kiss you so much morningpaper . And I am really weeping here. Lots. I promise you I am not some fish wife. I LOVE HIM. But I want him to understand that I have NEEDS and I NEED and LOVE my friends and I have to have a relationship with them too.

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madamez · 11/04/2008 23:36

FWIW PQ I would have dumped anyone who behaved like that myself. He actually sounds like a complete nightmare. No human being is the property of another, and frankly a man who wants to isolate you from everyone else is a man with big problems that you can't fix. Isolating someone from other people is, really very often, the behaviour of a partner on the road to becoming abusive.

And if you are 'tiptoeing around' all the time then your relationship is in the shit and needs some serious fixing - or it may not be fixable. That is no way to live.
Again, don't know you, don't know him, don't know the full story, but if you want to make it work then he has to accept your right to have friends of both sexes and your right to private thoughts and private communications. That's a non-negotiable.

morningpaper · 11/04/2008 23:38

Well counselling is generally something that people really WANT to do. How would HE propose sorting himself out? If he doesn't come up with the solution of counselling or something then maybe you could suggest couple's counselling/Relate?

It isn't going to be EASY but it isn't IMPOSSIBLE.

Original poster
pacificqueen · 11/04/2008 23:39

thank you madamez. And thank you everyone. Even those who didn't necesarily agree with me (and I mean that lapin - I know it goes with the territory, I just didn't like the as if I was making it up which I wasn't).

I have texted him and asked him to come back from the hotel so we can talk. I'll see if he responds. I hate all this, I really do.

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Original poster
pacificqueen · 11/04/2008 23:41

yes mp I agree. He won't WANT counselling, that much I am sure.

He will talk to me though. But I don't think you can make someone unjealous.

I have always been unjealous no matter who I am with and he has always been jealous. I don't know how you make one slightly less so iyswim.

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mrsruffallo · 11/04/2008 23:41

I guess it is about trust- he needs to give you space and trust your conduct with your friends.
You need to be able to trust that he won't pry into your private correspondence again

morningpaper · 11/04/2008 23:42

Yes Madamez has some good points

Good luck with the talk pacificqueen

I'm off to bed now, good luck xxx

Original poster
pacificqueen · 11/04/2008 23:43

OK, he is on his way back.

Thank you again everyone. I am still very weepy and not sure how this will be resolved but you've given me lots to think about .

Just for you doubters, I would NEVER throw my relationship away. I've had plenty of relationships and I know how it goes and I know he is a good'un but this is hard for me probably because I am so unjealous iyswim .

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littlemissthrifty · 11/04/2008 23:44

Complete over reaction,and you mean you kicked him out to go to the pub this evening (coz thats wot he will do) you havnt kicked him out for good. Maybe he does feel hurt by what you have written. Maybe in the future you shouuld talk face to face with your friends on such delicate matters. He is a bloke afterall! Trust is trust but come on really.. You will forgive him, when he returns with flowers. Good Luck

Original poster
pacificqueen · 11/04/2008 23:44

thanks mp. Really, thank you so much. You would probably LOL if you knew who this was. xxx

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BoysAreLikeDogs · 11/04/2008 23:45

Take care, pacific queen, and good luck

madamez · 11/04/2008 23:46

PQ: same as you make someone aggressive a bit less so, or someone lazy a bit more motivated. It takes time, but the first step from the position of whoever wants to have or is having a relationship with this person is to say, your behaviour is not acceptable. I will not just accept it. We either work towards a compromise that we are both happy with or you can fuck off and sort out your own issues.

poshwellies · 11/04/2008 23:48

Good luck pacific,I hope you and your dh can talk about this rationally and there is a good outcome,all the best.

susiecutiebananas · 11/04/2008 23:55

Oh, PQ, I didn't mean to suggest you were a dragon at all! I'm so sorry. I really really wasn't having a go at you either, really I wasn't.
When i said about keeping things from him I just got the impressio you had discussed problems with your friends and not him. I did't mean to add to your angst. Sorry if I came across as harsh, or jugmental or anything like that. I truly wasn't.

You sound so frustrated, and upset. I really feel for you.

I'm having a shockingly horrible time atm with my Dh. Over something entirely different to this, but equally frustrating, in that he thinks his ( appalling ) treatment and behaviour towards me is justified. Only, to anyone who i talk to, it is not in any way acceptable or justified. yet I cannot get him to see this, at all, in anyway.I am on the verge of having to end it all, as I can't see any way to resolve it. All incredibly complex, but I just wanted to add this, as I so understand when a situation is so painful, so upsetting ad so frustrating and you seemingly have no way of changing it.

I really really feel for you. I just can't help thinking maybe you ought to get him to come home, so you can talk properly. or via text, or phone, but face to face. Its to easy to misconstrue what each other is meaning unless face to face.

Just want to offer you a very non mn hug, and to say, i'm really thinking of you. So sad and so sorry for you

littlelapin · 12/04/2008 09:10

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