Why is my exh apologising now?

[fortygin]

So long story short, my h and I split 7 years ago after an 25 year relationship, after his mistress wrote me a letter informing me of their year long affair.
we have had an up and down parenting relationship where we get on ok most of the time but I eventually filed for divorce 4 months ago and he cut me off completely. I only hear from him briefly about our 4 dc or when he wants to berate me about perceived wrongdoings ie going out to lunch with my daughter for her 18th birthday ( when he was on a city break with his mistress) but not inviting his parents. That time I was called ‘rude, ill mannered and selfish’.
today he came to my house to drop of our son after football and asked to talk privately.
he proceeded to tell me he needed to apologise for what he did 7 years ago and that he’s not sleeping as it’s all that he can think about and is sorry he just didn’t talk about issues he had rather than have an affair!
I thanked him and said it meant a lot as he has narcissistic tendencies. He’s still with his mistress and I’ve got a SO as well.
id be lying if I said this didn’t make me sad though and wonder why now?! Should I just let this go?

He wants to come back, that's why. He isn't sorry for a fucking thing, he's just hoping you're dumb enough to believe he is.

Yes, what aquamarine said. Don’t take him back, please. What an asshole.

Whatever his motive was, I will bet it was all about him. Perhaps trying to salve his conscience now that his new magical life has failed to materialise.

Either way, you were gracious to accept his apology in such an elegant way.

Brush it off. Head up. Move on. (And yes, just let it go.)

Yes

He wants something from you.

It could be emotional, could be physical but don’t give him anything

Terminally ill?

or in therapy? 12 step group?

Seven year itch with the OW.

He’s realised how much the divorce is going to cost him?

He is cheating on the mistress and wants to help his conscience by proving to himself he is a good person really

You only filed 4 months ago? That’s why. He’s not remotely sorry.

Just smile and nod. Reread all the excellent advice before this post.

Then read 'Better off without him' by Dee Ernst - a fun, easy read that will make you laugh.

Agree with you all.
I filed 4 months ago as, due to his emotional abuse, I thought it better to wait the 5 years for a no fault, no contest divorce. Then I gave him a year’s notice. We were very young when we got together but I loved him totally and would have done anything for him but I couldn’t forgive a year long affair so I was blamed for breaking up our family.
Im wondering what he is up to,to be honest.

After her subsequent partner left her with a young baby my ex wife apologised for not treating me well - she managed to wreck her divorce settlement by sayig she had no intention to remarry or cohabit and moving her partner in 3 days later.

But dont worry after that she never missed an opportunity to remind me why I was eight to leave her.

It has been suggested to me that she was Autistic - which makes some sense or a narcissist, I cant really comment on that, but she was and remains a complete shit which isnt in the standard diagnostic manual

The side chick isn't exciting anymore so he wants to become your problem again. Tell him to stay gone.

He'll be wanting you back. Grass obviously wasn't greener. Tell him to get on his bike.

I may sound very cynical here but I’ve just got a promotion, on paper to his family it may seem a substantial payrise, but in reality it not and is a role I’ve created for myself in my workplace of 19 years with the backing of my employer last (think office manager as opposed to practice manager).
I know his dm has been asking what my payrise is. I get payed decently but not as much as they probably think and I haven’t taken a penny in maintenance from him in 7 years even though my dd’s only go to his once a week and my ds’ three times. I do go on two holidays a year but I pay them off monthly all year round.
im wondering if he thinks the little dw he left 7 years ago working 14 hours a week for shit pay is now in a position to keep him?! (He has an ok job but is in threat of redundancy).

He definitely wants something. Thank him for what he said, you find have to accept his apology. The don’t engage.

He either wants something , or he's hiding something that he doesn't want uncovering in the divorce/financial settlement

And may he never have a good nights sleep again OP! Don’t give him a second thought.

As with any apology, I would be gracious: thank him for apologising and leave it at that. No overthinking. No change in communication. It’s about him not you, so it doesn’t matter.

how come you know so much about each other - redundancy, pay rise etc?

Why isn't he paying any maintenance? ?
I wonder why you haven't contacted CMS already.
He wants something from you, that's for sure, and maybe he thinks he can sweet talk/bully you into not claiming what you're entitled to in the divorce, in the same way you've decided not to rock the boat by going for maintenance. I'd say his tactics work for him.

Yes. This. Either he plans to dump the mistress, or he thinks she'll dump him, or she's demanding some kind of financial commitment that he doesn't fancy. Or she wants a babby. [Just seen your update]. Your promotion: nice little payday...

I know his dm has been asking what my payrise is.

There you go...

I remember your other posts! He sounded utterly obnoxious then.

In the nicest, kindest way - who gives a shit why he's apologising? Who gives a shit what he thinks, or what he wants, or what he does?

You are well rid of the unpleasant wank badger. And please pursue him for CM. It's the least he can do; partially support the children he created.

Thank you all, two eldest are 18 now and I love ok myself. The reason I’m filing now is to get possession of our home.
ive a feeling he’s been cheated on and is feeling sorry for himself.
there will be no more babies with ow. She had cervical cancer and cannot have children, he said that’s why he went back to her a few years after we split as he had another gf who wanted a baby and he didn’t.

*live. I did file for cm and he went ballistic so I backed down. Wasn’t worth the bullying