Why is my exh apologising now?

[fortygin]

So long story short, my h and I split 7 years ago after an 25 year relationship, after his mistress wrote me a letter informing me of their year long affair.
we have had an up and down parenting relationship where we get on ok most of the time but I eventually filed for divorce 4 months ago and he cut me off completely. I only hear from him briefly about our 4 dc or when he wants to berate me about perceived wrongdoings ie going out to lunch with my daughter for her 18th birthday ( when he was on a city break with his mistress) but not inviting his parents. That time I was called ‘rude, ill mannered and selfish’.
today he came to my house to drop of our son after football and asked to talk privately.
he proceeded to tell me he needed to apologise for what he did 7 years ago and that he’s not sleeping as it’s all that he can think about and is sorry he just didn’t talk about issues he had rather than have an affair!
I thanked him and said it meant a lot as he has narcissistic tendencies. He’s still with his mistress and I’ve got a SO as well.
id be lying if I said this didn’t make me sad though and wonder why now?! Should I just let this go?

He’s worked out how much he stands to lose financially in the divorce and think if he throws you a few crumbs you’ll go easy on him.
Give it a little while and he’ll be back to his bullying self.

Watch him flick through the only three channels he has: Charm, rage, self pity.

www.chumplady.com/mindfuck-three-channels/

My ex who left for OW popped up 20 y later to apologise. Turns out he wanted some money and thought I had some as I had a good job and nice house in an expensive area. He vaguely hinted he would leave OW if he just had this money…..

Gotta laugh.

I don't agree with everyone that says he wants to get back with you. The timing along with everything else you've said points purely to financial motives. This will be an attempt to sweet talk you out of what you are entitled to. Watch just how fast he turns nasty again once you stick to your guns.

I expect his relationship with OW is going to shit and he's having regrets about breaking up with you, especially as you are doing so well looking after yourself and the kids and settled and happy with your OH. His life probably feels like shite in comparison. Don't give it any more thought (you're allowed to feel smug about it though 😂) tell him you appreciate the apology and you'd also appreciate it if he made the effort to co-parent without resorting to insults and accusations in future. Hopefully once your kids are all 18+ your contact with him will be minimal!

@Noseybookworm wrote...

I expect his relationship with OW is going to shit and he's having regrets about breaking up with you especially as you are doing so well.

Nail. Hit. On head.

He's scum who let you pay for his children solely.
I hope you get the house.
Don't be manipulated.
I bet he is hiding something and wants to soft soap you before it comes out.

Either way he is selfish scum so keep your distance.
Whatever IS going on it is all about HIM

Don't be fooled and well done for so successfully rebuilding your life.

Tell your MIL to f off with her nosey questions.

Old divorce rules not withstanding, I think he saw you as a "reserve". That's why I'm glad I could divorce under the new law, because the waiting period was ridiculous. So yeah, 7 years with other woman, but he had you in reserve, now you're making it official, his relationship maybe isn't going so well, and it's triggered something in him. Don't give him the time of day.

And get a financial consent order.

First post nailed it as per.

Have a little fun. Ask him what it is he's sorry for. Is it the cheating, not giving a penny to support his kids or throwing a tantrum when asked to act like a grown up?

Wind him up and watch him explode. If he's truly sorry, he'll say why. But he's not and won't like being held to account. Record everything. Take it to court.

Then get on with your life without him.

He's salving his conscience, I'd have told him to stuff his apology and credit me with self respect.

Had an ex call me up after no contact for two years to apologise for being a bastard to me. Was very weird. I don't think he wanted back. There was no further contact. Hopefully he had just matured a bit and was doing some reflection.

I know you've got a solicitor and getting advice but please make sure every t is crossed and I dotted with regard to everything you have worked for and where it should go if anything happens. As well as who will manage it for kids. Will and anything that does not fall under it, pension death in service etc

I think his DM knows too much about your business and is passing it on to him. Are you still in contact with her? I wouldn't let her know anything. I suspect his 'apology' is because he's seeing pound signs. Be careful.

I don’t want to sound cynical but don’t romanticise this, OP. It’ll be something to do with money/the house.

Thank you all for your honest advice.
he was my first love and there still is a lot of chemistry there but I’m wise enough to never go back and see it for what it is.
Only two weeks ago he had a fall out with our dd (18) where he told her that she was old enough to know right from wrong and when she snapped back ‘ so are you and you still cheated on my mum’ (she was seeing txts between him and his ow before I found out), he said ‘so what!’.
I honesty hope that he’s had a crisis of conscience, but I have a feeling that now his solicitor has my financial discovery package, she realises that he has been a total shit over the last 7 years and he’s now worried (he choose the local women’s and children’s rights solicitor to represent him before I got the chance!).

Not cynical. Realistic.

Two thoughts spring to mind.... after 7 years, it seems 'coincidental' that his crisis of conscience has come just after you've served divorce papers so it is likely linked to that. I suspect he thinke he's going to end up worse off financially (especially when your solicitor realises he's never paid CM and that you've been solely paying the mortgage). It's about to cost him money and he wants to avoid that. Perhaps he thinks by sweet-talking you, you'll go easier on him or delay the whole process.

There is a chance that you filing for divorce / getting a promotion / being perfectly happy and settled has re-framed you in his mind. After a few years with the OW, you are no longer the woman he was tired of and discarded for something more exciting, but the woman who doesn't want or need him and is doing very well for herself.

This re-frame could genuinely have made him think about how he treated you, and he could feel real remorse, or it could make him want to atract you back to him (not necessarily so you can rekindle, but so he can tell himself he could have you if he wanted you).

Whatever his reasons, you've done the right thing... a gracious acceptance of his apology (just incase it happened to be genuine) and then move on. You won't ever fully understand what's going on in his head, it's very likely to be self-serving of him, and it doesn't affect you.

Just focus on getting that divorce and a fair financial settlement (he has to pay that CM he owes you!!)

He’s trying to soften you up so you go easy on him in the financial settlement. Maybe he can get a few thousand from the house or your pension, maybe you won’t calculate what he owes you for CMS. Don’t give him an inch, don’t give into the bullying, and pass everything on to your solicitors.

He'll be crapping himself about the money issue. Hoping he can soft-talk you into not pursuing him for every penny you're due.

I hope you have a shit hot lawyer.

My lawyer is amazing. Got my friend £30,000 after a 9 month marriage as he dug and dug till he ground her ex’s hidden assets.

Please tell your lawyer that you didn't go for CMS to avoid his vile emotional abuse while you were vulnerable, after finding out about his affair and trying to keep it together for your 4 children ALONE.

He's utter scum.
Take him for every penny you can.

This is all about money. He will say you are worth more, he will want money from the house divide....

Thank you.
my solicitor has sent a letter 6 years ago asking him to cease and desist from the emotional abuse and has a record of every time I have been at the other end of his abuse. As does my GP.

How dare he never pay maintenance

How dare his mother ask what you're earning !!!

Updates suggest he is not going to like this divorce OP. He is already sensing he is going to lose out financially here. 7 years of not contributing to 4 DC. And living with two wages almost responsibility free.

I think he may get nasty when it’s all laid out in black and white by solicitors.

Absolutely all credit to you OP. Your children are lucky to have you.

💐

Aww thank you. I appreciate that. I’ve played nicely and feel I deserve some credit. I’ve done my best to promote a father/child relationship.