I am coming for opinions since my judgement after being in a physical/ emotionally abusive relationship has really desensitised my concept of what is real and what isn’t.
to give some context about my ex if you have the time here’s is a thread I made last week after reporting my ex for the abuse I was subjected to over the last 6 years.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5108086-am-i-bad-for-pressing-charges-on-my-abuser-childs-father?page=6&reply=136613161
for anyone who doesn’t want to read that my ex was very abusive, strangled me infront of our 2 year old , had attacked me whilst holding our toddlers and uploaded a video of me having sex last year (my face wasn’t in it) Onto fab swingingers.com without my consent or knowledge that he was even on there.
last week I reported him , he has been charged and remanded to prison. I did this because I wanted to make sure the courts knew the truth if the abuse me and my children were subjected to incase something happened to me as I kept this a secret from my family / friends. it took 5 months of leaving him to realise just how bad it was what I went through all those years.
I want to start by saying I am not retracting my statement. I am not taking him back. I am coming here for reassurance of what I feel inside but he is so convincing.
he is looking at jail time now and he’s telling me how sorry he is. How he was planning to do right by me and our kids anyway. The 5 months I left him gave him time to realise where he went wrong. He’s been relaying back almost everything I ever told him about the issues of our relationship with his words he seems like he’d taking full accountability . He’s saying it was never my fault. He’s admitting he had a problem. He’s admitting he was selfish and was putting other things before his family (cause of all our arguments.) something he never usually does. He is also saying he is willing to do counselling and anger Managent now. Something again he was never willing to do as he would say he doesn’t need it. Now he’s willing to do it…. However
initially he hinted about me retracting my statement. Promising he’ll do all the counselling to make it up to me and our children. I said no. This reslly happened to me. I will not now lie and say it didn’t
this is where it becomes fuzzy for me. Initially he wanted to go on the run and said he would do counselling and courses to prove to me that he’s changed so I would give him another chance. I told him no way , I would never visit him with our kids or Any of it if he did this. So he turned himself in.
now He is asking me if I will write a letter to the judge saying that I don’t want him in jail. That I would be happy for him to rehabilitate. By doing courses and anger management. My honest initial reaction was that this isn’t taking full accountability is it ? But then he would say if he’s out of jail he can spend more time with me and our kids and prove and show with his actions how he has changed and he will do all the counselling I want.
he also was suggesting that his solicitor could take one of the charges from ABH to common assault. So that he could get less time. Also a solicitor could explain why he did what he did to me (makeup a reason for why he did that at the time ) when I know inside there were no factors that made it ok for him to treat me like that. He would constantly leave me with our young children and then when I’d confront him he would get physical. I side I feel like he’d not taking full accountability. Inside I feel if you were reslly sorry wouldn’t you want to take the full responsibility for what you did ? To prove that you are taking it very seriously.
he swears he means it that he’s sorry. But I’ve noticed that he is putting more and more pressure on me to ask the judge to not put him in jail. But this doesn’t feel right to me. What I went through was the truth this reslly happened to me. I still have flash backs now.
I know some of you will look at this and think how stupid can you be. But these messages really do help me.
a part of me feels guilty for putting him in jail. But when he calls I feel sick because I know he’s going to make me feel bad. He told me he understands I want pay back but this is not the way. How he can prove he’s changed by not being in jail. He says he wants to do as little time as he can. He doesn’t want this on his record. He doesn’t want to get beat up for being a wife beater. Telling me how bad it will be in there for him.
could it be that facing jail has made him realise the extent of what he’s done and want to change ? I also wonder if abusing me I front of our screaming 2 year old didn’t make you want to change this cannot be genuine.
please be easy on me I am really going through it emotionally right now but feeling stronger now I’ve reported him. I still love him but I am trying to make the right choices for our children. I wish we could have been together as a family but I worry that he’s not taking full ownership for what he’s done and I worry that the “change” is not genuine.
thsnk you in advance x