Is he genuinely sorry or avoiding accountability?

[Pinkflowersxo]

I am coming for opinions since my judgement after being in a physical/ emotionally abusive relationship has really desensitised my concept of what is real and what isn’t.

to give some context about my ex if you have the time here’s is a thread I made last week after reporting my ex for the abuse I was subjected to over the last 6 years.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5108086-am-i-bad-for-pressing-charges-on-my-abuser-childs-father?page=6&reply=136613161

for anyone who doesn’t want to read that my ex was very abusive, strangled me infront of our 2 year old , had attacked me whilst holding our toddlers and uploaded a video of me having sex last year (my face wasn’t in it) Onto fab swingingers.com without my consent or knowledge that he was even on there.

last week I reported him , he has been charged and remanded to prison. I did this because I wanted to make sure the courts knew the truth if the abuse me and my children were subjected to incase something happened to me as I kept this a secret from my family / friends. it took 5 months of leaving him to realise just how bad it was what I went through all those years.

I want to start by saying I am not retracting my statement. I am not taking him back. I am coming here for reassurance of what I feel inside but he is so convincing.

he is looking at jail time now and he’s telling me how sorry he is. How he was planning to do right by me and our kids anyway. The 5 months I left him gave him time to realise where he went wrong. He’s been relaying back almost everything I ever told him about the issues of our relationship with his words he seems like he’d taking full accountability . He’s saying it was never my fault. He’s admitting he had a problem. He’s admitting he was selfish and was putting other things before his family (cause of all our arguments.) something he never usually does. He is also saying he is willing to do counselling and anger Managent now. Something again he was never willing to do as he would say he doesn’t need it. Now he’s willing to do it…. However

initially he hinted about me retracting my statement. Promising he’ll do all the counselling to make it up to me and our children. I said no. This reslly happened to me. I will not now lie and say it didn’t

this is where it becomes fuzzy for me. Initially he wanted to go on the run and said he would do counselling and courses to prove to me that he’s changed so I would give him another chance. I told him no way , I would never visit him with our kids or Any of it if he did this. So he turned himself in.

now He is asking me if I will write a letter to the judge saying that I don’t want him in jail. That I would be happy for him to rehabilitate. By doing courses and anger management. My honest initial reaction was that this isn’t taking full accountability is it ? But then he would say if he’s out of jail he can spend more time with me and our kids and prove and show with his actions how he has changed and he will do all the counselling I want.

he also was suggesting that his solicitor could take one of the charges from ABH to common assault. So that he could get less time. Also a solicitor could explain why he did what he did to me (makeup a reason for why he did that at the time ) when I know inside there were no factors that made it ok for him to treat me like that. He would constantly leave me with our young children and then when I’d confront him he would get physical. I side I feel like he’d not taking full accountability. Inside I feel if you were reslly sorry wouldn’t you want to take the full responsibility for what you did ? To prove that you are taking it very seriously.

he swears he means it that he’s sorry. But I’ve noticed that he is putting more and more pressure on me to ask the judge to not put him in jail. But this doesn’t feel right to me. What I went through was the truth this reslly happened to me. I still have flash backs now.

I know some of you will look at this and think how stupid can you be. But these messages really do help me.

a part of me feels guilty for putting him in jail. But when he calls I feel sick because I know he’s going to make me feel bad. He told me he understands I want pay back but this is not the way. How he can prove he’s changed by not being in jail. He says he wants to do as little time as he can. He doesn’t want this on his record. He doesn’t want to get beat up for being a wife beater. Telling me how bad it will be in there for him.

could it be that facing jail has made him realise the extent of what he’s done and want to change ? I also wonder if abusing me I front of our screaming 2 year old didn’t make you want to change this cannot be genuine.

please be easy on me I am really going through it emotionally right now but feeling stronger now I’ve reported him. I still love him but I am trying to make the right choices for our children. I wish we could have been together as a family but I worry that he’s not taking full ownership for what he’s done and I worry that the “change” is not genuine.

thsnk you in advance x

Well he would say all this utter shite wouldn’t he? Wouldn’t you, to try to keep yourself out of gaol? He’s a liar, let him rot.

Imagine a man who was genuinely sorry. He wouldn’t be contacting his ex (breaking a restraining order!) and putting pressure on. He doesn’t care about you at all. You just represent the gullible person who looks after his children and sucks up his self pitying and self serving nonsense. A last chance to squirm out of the consequences of his actions.

Stop being interested in what’s happening to him. He should be history. You owe him nothing.

He's actually in jail at the moment, on remand.

He'd been on the run prior to this.

OP I think you know you have done the right thing and that his words are that of a desperate, manipulative, abusive man. He is saying what he thinks he needs to in order to save his own skin. It's (still) all about him.

Consider this, you do what he wants, and he doesn't go to jail. He weedles his way back into your life and knows he has you exactly where he wants you. Social services get involved. At the very least your kids are on a child protection plan because you continue to have a relationship with their abusive father. He starts abusing you again. Your kids are taken into care.
I'm sure you've already had social services involvement. You know the score, and that this is a realistic possibility. Protect them from this.

You've done one of the most difficult things a person subject to abuse (I won't say victim, because that implies weakness) can do, ended thing and reported him.
Keep going, cut him off to give yourself headspace, engage with specialist support services, and stay strong for you and your kids.
Well done for getting this far. You've got this!

Have Social Services been involved, OP?

Thank you I know it honestly breaks my heart to imagine my daughters going through this. I am on hold with 101 now and will tell them everything even from a prison and his words he is able to have so much control if I can help them protect me I will absolutely use their help because clearly I am not strong enough by myself. X

Are you getting any support from a specialist domestic abuse service? This is really normal patterns for them to see and they'll be able to support and advise you through this process.
Keep posting here. Every step will be a new challenge. But you can do it. Step by step. You're doing the right thing.

Well done, OP!
You're doing well.

He says if he doesn't go too jail he can spend more time with you and the DC? He usn't repentant @Pinkflowersxo , he can't even see that there's no way on earth you'd want to see him, or that you could trust him with the DC. Let him go to jail and then try to move where he can't find you if you can

Thank you ,well my IDVA has been off on anual leave this week I think this explains why I’ve been a basket case. I’ve just come off the phone to 101 who have advised the officer who is on our case needs to now take a new statement from me because this is now further attempts to make me retract , I will tell them the truth and see how they can help protect me from him further honestly thank you all so much because it’s these messages that help me get out of my head and from under his control x

Keep going, you’ve come this far.

The longer he is out the way, the better, as it keeps other women safer from him for a while too, not just you.

He isn’t sorry. Underneath that facade he is absolutely furious and still blames you for everything.

You don’t need to engage with him x

Do you want your daughters to be orphans? Do you want your girls to grow up knowing their mother was murdered?

Because that is what could have happened when he strangled you, and could still happen if you don't protect yourself and your kids from this evil man.

Every time you start to waver, think about that and you will find the strength.

He is also saying he is willing to do counselling and anger Managent now.

I haven't RTFT (sorry) but I wanted to say this. Even with counselling, focused domestic violence courses and group work, something like 90% of men reoffend. And to be clear, the 10% typically have another life-changing moment going on, like successful recovery from drugs/alcohol or medicated MH issues. It's INCREDIBLY rare that he will change. And this one won't. He won't.

You have to get your head around never ever trusting him again. Or he will hurt you, maybe kill you. You owe your DC a mother.

Don't play his games, please.

Yes they were in 2020. They decided to close when he appeared to engage in a “life line course” they didn’t know the truth of what he did to me they were simply a result of neighbours calling the police because of the noise from the events from some of what i mentioned in my original thread xx

He did not complete the course.

Fortunately I have just moved to a new area that he doesn’t have any knowledge of the address. Xx

I’ve just given the police all the evidence and of his calls. Told them everything and they were going to remove my number from the prison phones. They were shocked this was even allowed to be added x

thank you so much. A previous poster told me about a book called why does he do that which apparently says something similar that these people don’t really change even with counselling. I ordered it hopefully will be with me soon. Xx

Thank you so much. No I reslly couldn’t bare the thought of taking him back and this happening again. Never in a million years did I think I would ever report him to the police. That’s where I was mentally. The more space / no contact I have from him the more I see things clearly.
which was why I reported him after 5 months of leaving. The police know he’s been contacting me now and will remove my phone number from the prison x

This is exactly correct.

He can 'see clearly' now that HE is impacted.
He didn't give a fuck when his actions were hurting you with no consequences for him even though it was the same behaviour.

It's all for himself.
Fuck him off forever.

You are a brave woman ❤️

Keep posting for support to keep you doing the right thing.

Thank you so much x

Thank you. I told the police everything they will make sure he is not able to contact me anymore. I’ve also got a new number now x

He doesn't want to be beaten up in jail for being a wife-beater?
Has it passed him by that you didn't want to be beaten up in your own home BY a wife-beater for innocently living your life with your young children?

A large proportion of adult men in prison have DA/DV alerts. He'll be fine.