Is he genuinely sorry or avoiding accountability?

[Pinkflowersxo]

I am coming for opinions since my judgement after being in a physical/ emotionally abusive relationship has really desensitised my concept of what is real and what isn’t.

to give some context about my ex if you have the time here’s is a thread I made last week after reporting my ex for the abuse I was subjected to over the last 6 years.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5108086-am-i-bad-for-pressing-charges-on-my-abuser-childs-father?page=6&reply=136613161

for anyone who doesn’t want to read that my ex was very abusive, strangled me infront of our 2 year old , had attacked me whilst holding our toddlers and uploaded a video of me having sex last year (my face wasn’t in it) Onto fab swingingers.com without my consent or knowledge that he was even on there.

last week I reported him , he has been charged and remanded to prison. I did this because I wanted to make sure the courts knew the truth if the abuse me and my children were subjected to incase something happened to me as I kept this a secret from my family / friends. it took 5 months of leaving him to realise just how bad it was what I went through all those years.

I want to start by saying I am not retracting my statement. I am not taking him back. I am coming here for reassurance of what I feel inside but he is so convincing.

he is looking at jail time now and he’s telling me how sorry he is. How he was planning to do right by me and our kids anyway. The 5 months I left him gave him time to realise where he went wrong. He’s been relaying back almost everything I ever told him about the issues of our relationship with his words he seems like he’d taking full accountability . He’s saying it was never my fault. He’s admitting he had a problem. He’s admitting he was selfish and was putting other things before his family (cause of all our arguments.) something he never usually does. He is also saying he is willing to do counselling and anger Managent now. Something again he was never willing to do as he would say he doesn’t need it. Now he’s willing to do it…. However

initially he hinted about me retracting my statement. Promising he’ll do all the counselling to make it up to me and our children. I said no. This reslly happened to me. I will not now lie and say it didn’t

this is where it becomes fuzzy for me. Initially he wanted to go on the run and said he would do counselling and courses to prove to me that he’s changed so I would give him another chance. I told him no way , I would never visit him with our kids or Any of it if he did this. So he turned himself in.

now He is asking me if I will write a letter to the judge saying that I don’t want him in jail. That I would be happy for him to rehabilitate. By doing courses and anger management. My honest initial reaction was that this isn’t taking full accountability is it ? But then he would say if he’s out of jail he can spend more time with me and our kids and prove and show with his actions how he has changed and he will do all the counselling I want.

he also was suggesting that his solicitor could take one of the charges from ABH to common assault. So that he could get less time. Also a solicitor could explain why he did what he did to me (makeup a reason for why he did that at the time ) when I know inside there were no factors that made it ok for him to treat me like that. He would constantly leave me with our young children and then when I’d confront him he would get physical. I side I feel like he’d not taking full accountability. Inside I feel if you were reslly sorry wouldn’t you want to take the full responsibility for what you did ? To prove that you are taking it very seriously.

he swears he means it that he’s sorry. But I’ve noticed that he is putting more and more pressure on me to ask the judge to not put him in jail. But this doesn’t feel right to me. What I went through was the truth this reslly happened to me. I still have flash backs now.

I know some of you will look at this and think how stupid can you be. But these messages really do help me.

a part of me feels guilty for putting him in jail. But when he calls I feel sick because I know he’s going to make me feel bad. He told me he understands I want pay back but this is not the way. How he can prove he’s changed by not being in jail. He says he wants to do as little time as he can. He doesn’t want this on his record. He doesn’t want to get beat up for being a wife beater. Telling me how bad it will be in there for him.

could it be that facing jail has made him realise the extent of what he’s done and want to change ? I also wonder if abusing me I front of our screaming 2 year old didn’t make you want to change this cannot be genuine.

please be easy on me I am really going through it emotionally right now but feeling stronger now I’ve reported him. I still love him but I am trying to make the right choices for our children. I wish we could have been together as a family but I worry that he’s not taking full ownership for what he’s done and I worry that the “change” is not genuine.

thsnk you in advance x

He’s not sorry. He’s trying to reduce his sentence.

stay strong x

Stand tall, keep you're head held high. Don't let him manipulate you. He is trying to avoid paying for his behaviour. He would do exactly the same to you again if he had the opportunity. Make sure he stays in jail for as long as possible and make a new life yourself and DC x

He told me he understands I want pay back but this is not the way

This is the way, OP.
He strangled you.

He belongs in prison. Ignore the manipulative, evil fucker. He terrified, assaulted and injured you. He needs to do his time. And the fact he doesn’t want to is NOT your problem.

THIS.

He's not sorry. He's just sorry you reported it and he's going to jail. Abusive men will say anything to save themselves. Don't be gaslighted. Ignore him and keep doing the right thing for your children.

Has he got a lot of previous convictions, @Pinkflowersxo?

You seem sharp OP. You know exactly what happened and that it was not okay. Everything else - is background noise. Don’t let him get in your head, the change is not genuine, you are correct.

"......anyway."

That tells you all you need to know.

He's a piece of shit and you've done brilliantly getting him out. Don't doubt yourself. Though doubt is good too as it reinforces that you've made the right decision

You need therapy as you really should not feel able to still love him.

He is not sorry.

He is scared of going to jail.

He is not genuine or sincere. He is manipulating you for his own benefit. He has not changed or come to his senses since you left.

He cares not one fucking iota about you! (Sorry). He only cares about himself. This ploy is self serving.

As others have said, do not engage with him at all! If he strangled you in front of your child, why do you not have an AVO or non molestation order in place so he can't contact you...

Men like your EX never change. When you start doubting yourself listen to Jamelia Thank You, this POS has put you through hell over the years, he DOES NOT deserve your sympathy. He choose to abuse you, he could of stopped after the first time but he didn't. There are always consequences for someone's actions and this is his consequence. If he is targeted in prison I'm sure a nice strong man like him can protect himself and fight back or is it only women he targets, knowing they are at his mercy!!!!!!!!!

Honestly I desperate need this. I think now I’ve gone this far I will need counselling for sure something is very broken inside of me. I’m doing the actions to break away but battle with my feelings inside.

Thank you 🤍

He has one conviction for drug dealing he did a year in prison. He is currently pending further investigation for another drug crime (another reason he wanted me to retract) x

It must have been quite serious for him to do a year.

another song I will add to my list thank you 🤍 thank you for validating what I really knew deep down inside. Funnily enough he never wants confrontation with men x

Just wanted to say thank you each and every one of you for supporting me and sending a message here. I’ve been emotional tonight really teary but you all have no idea how much you have helped me. I reported to the police again about him contacting me and I’ve got a new SIM card / number so I can cut off his family too who protect him / try to make me feel guilty. His mum actually said she thinks it’s really bad I want him to get “the worst sentence” and he should “fight his corner” denying me telling her about the abuse. I already feel peaceful now I don’t speak to her as she was always the doorway for him to get back into my life. I am so grateful for online forums like this where so many amazing women can help other women like this. I truly am grateful x

He shouldn’t be contacting you and I would inform both the court and the police that is still trying to manipulate and coerce you and provide any evidence eg texts ask the police for a non mol order etc

Is his mum still ringing you or texting you, OP?
I know she was on your case before now.

He's doing everything he can to get an easier prison sentence - or no sentence at all. Don't fall for it.

she called me from withheld the other day (she’s blocked) to basically ask me did I know he turned himself in, almost making me feel bad about it then said she thinks I’m bad for wanting him to get the worse sentence why shouldn’t they think of ways for him to get less time. I said I don’t want him to get more than he deserves just that the judge should know the truth then let them decide. Not making up stories for what he was going through at the time or trying to get it from ABH to common assault. She continued to deny me telling her the abuse was “that bad” I just told her not to call me again and she didn’t… then he did 🙄🙄🙄 I have a new number now so none of them can call me now x

Mumsnet is your literal lifeline - please keep posting whenever you feel like you need support - not one single person on here will tell you that maybe you should give him a chance or that it wasn’t that bad. We see these men. We see them every fucking day on here, and sadly some of us have seen them in our own homes too.

I’ve been assaulted and strangled too. It stays with you. Forever. I can’t stand anyone touching my neck even 30 years later. I think it may have even caused a problem with my vision from damaging a nerve in my neck. No way to prove that of course. But I’m just saying these men don’t just physically hurt us, they break our trust and our spirit. The fact you’re trying to minimise it yourself is a self protection thing, you don’t want to admit just how little he cares about you or how close he came to killing your because that is frankly terrifying. But once your heart realises what your head already knows you will be truly free of him. And he can languish in prison and will probably end up back in and out for the rest of his life by the sound of it. Let the authorities do their work, they’re not going to give him any longer than he absolutely deserves so don’t feel bad about that. But the longer he’s locked up and you and your DC are safe from him the better. You’re doing amazingly. Keep looking ahead.

Once he realises your number isn’t available to call he will get his DM and other flying monkeys on to it. So still avoid any unknown calls on your old number.

Make sure hardly anyone has your new number. The same for your new address. Make sure his solicitor is not given your new address. If anything arrives to your new address from his solicitor I would automatically assume that your address is not safe from him.

If you are unfortunate enough to bump into any FMs who start trying to influence you don’t get drawn into discussions or detail.
Something like ‘You aren’t allowed to try and intimidate me and I will need to report this conversation to the police. This is now all out of my hands and being dealt with by them. Please don’t speak to me again’. Walk away.

Try to reframe this in your mind. This is not about pay back. You aren’t prosecuting him, the CPS is. Because he committed serious crimes. Your job now is to get that degree and new career and take your DC away from people who don’t work, do drugs, commit crimes and spend their lives in and out of prison.

💐

I have listened to calls made by prison inmates to the victims they are trying to manipulate into dropping their evidence. I have then listened to the same inmates calling their friends/family, mocking these same victims for being so gullible, and saying not to worry, how they have fallen for it and the case won’t be going to court as a result.

They do and say whatever they need to in order to save their miserable skin. Don’t allow yourself to be taken in.

My first husband was very violent, OP.
I remember when he was in court, feeling sorry for him.

It's hard to switch off feelings, even when they've literally tried to end your life, or raped you.
But you must. Your daughters need you to stay strong.