Ex has a new GF and I feel like SHIT!

[RosieIs44]

We were intense but on/off for 2 years. He’d push for more commitment and then would blow everything up kind of thing.

I’ve found out he’s seeing this amazing woman / younger, prettier, way more successful than me and incredibly talented. Oh and no kids.

We were last together only two weeks ago! I feel I’m losing my shit and feel obsessed with her ?! and comparing myself with her. Awful awful feeling and I can’t get on top of it. Looking for wisdom to help me from going ballistic and self imploding :(

It's a horrible feeling OP. But it sounds like it was a toxic relationship between you and him. You're better off out of it!

@AppleCream thank you. I know that on one level - it was toxic, but not being able to see him in that intimate way and feeling replaced and upgraded is pushing all my old insecure wounds. It’s a small town too so, gah. I hate that I just want to be comforted and “chosen” - by him. WTF

Don't put yourself down x

Would you really get rid of your kids so you could be more attractive a man you don’t even want anymore.
She eats and shits like everyone else.. be kinder to yourself.

@PortiasBiscuit oh no, my child is EVERYTHING and my true love. I meant as in working schedules around. Was always an issue that I didn’t have time and space for him… Am not sure I don’t want him? Have had such shit experiences and it was the first time I felt cherished. But the rest wasn’t worth it… need to focus on that. And imagine her with the runs on his hard-to-flush toilet…

Last together two weeks ago and suddenly a new gf? I would of thought she's been around him longer than two weeks, so she hasn't got herself much of a prize and he's a ratbag, most likely seeing you both.
He was never right for you, it never is with an on/off relationship

@seensome well maybe not quite GF yet but spotted on a date (small town joys, friend was on table in same place and vaguely knew of her)… so even that had made me lose it and jump to conclusions

Yes agree re on/off - annoyingly I know some couples that have made it through though, so gave me false hope.

Ask your friend to stop telling you these things. You've split up and you'll be fine. You don't need gleeful 'friends' giving you these oh so helpful updates.

It won't always hurt like this.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe thank you. She only told me as assumed we were still together!

Unfortunately I’ve sent him a ranty message, which I my serves to make me look as crazy as I feel. I blocked him straight after as can’t bear whatever the reply would be

You've split up.

He was of course juggling you both before you split.

He can see who he likes now. So can you.

Let the rant be the last thing.

Be off now and enjoy the rest of your life. He's her problem now.

You’re looking at your relationship now with rose tinted glasses because he’s now out of reach. You need to keep reminding yourself why it didn’t work out.

@Combattingthemoaners yes absolutely am romanticising the good bits. And beating myself up as he always - even now - claims it was my lack of commitment to him that was the issue. I don’t think it was! The fact he’d regularly lose his temper (he went to counselling and did get better) and was insecure about me and other men was a bigger issue IMO. I must remember all that!

There is something sad about endings. I find they feel like abandonment

@JFDIYOLO ha yeah, and after about the 3 month mark he really IS a problem

@PortiasBiscuit Would you really get rid of your kids so you could be more attractive a man you don’t even want anymore

????! Where on earth^^ has OP said or implied that?!?!?

Block and delete so there is no possibility of you seeing anything about them.

Nothing works as well and blocking an ex

@happinessischocolate I had. Even marked in the calendar the magic 45 days later (time you’re supposed to be over them by, or when they try to come back - it’s true!) but I blocked in a psychotic fit of loss/jealousy!

He’s now saying I couldn’t commit yadda yadda which is sounding a lot like gaslighting

Surely she is welcome to him? Isn't he a time waster anyway? Think of this as him doing you a favour, since you weren't able to move on by yourself - this new development will hopefully force you to block him and move on. Maybe it'd help you if you felt sorry for her because he's not a good catch.

@Ejvd oohhh, thank you. That’s really helpful! Yes, he had to do it as I couldn’t find the strength and resolve; and yes, have no doubt his problematic behaviour wasn’t limited to me… I often felt slightly embarrassed being with him, so feeling sorry for her DOES help!

It sounds like this relationship has done a real number on you and left your self confidence in the gutter.

When your self esteem is low, anyone you compare yourself to is going to seem superior but I doubt that this is the reality of the situation.

Rocky relationships leave you on unsteady ground, unsure how to feel about yourself and each other.

The fact that you’re obsessing more over her than him says a lot - it seems like his yoyoing has caused you place all your self-worth in his opinion of you and how much he wants to be with you.

I would try to focus on how you feel about him instead. How he makes you feel about yourself. Start comparing him to other men or people you find physically and emotionally attractive. Think ‘do I want to be with him?’ Rather than ‘does he want to be with me?’ Often in situations like this you’ll realise he hasn’t got all that much to offer you and you can do much better.

It's a horrible feeling and it's perfectly natural how you feel. But you are building her up to be something she isn't. There'll be things her preferred about you and will miss as the relationship unfolds. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.

The best thing you can do is not get bogged down by others and things you can't control and focus on yourself.

Thank you. I am bawling my eyes out! Just had a flurry of emails about how he waited and waited and is now looking forward, not back, and that’s that basically (think he’s dating in general). I am so emotional I think as it’s been a long time and we always ended up back together. I thought it would somehow work out. This feels like the real end.

I need to concentrate on myself, but yes, my worth is somehow linked to him. It doesn’t help that he was the first relationship after a 10 year one of being ignored, and he seemed really in love with me. I guess if it was supposed to be it would have happened by now.

The reality and my fantasy of him are far apart. The good times were incredible but something stopped me progressing it… and as much as he denies it, that something is as mostly him

@Warriorworrier “Often in situations like this you’ll realise he hasn’t got all that much to offer you and you can do much better”

Thank you. Hope so. And deep down, I do know so

I think what is difficult is that you feel like you have had the rug pulled from underneath you. It's damn hard to take. The unexpected nature of it, that normally you would be able get back. Just take it day by day. You'll have good days and bad days but honestly there'll come a time when it's more good than bad. Then you'll have grown and become stronger. Good luck

@LadofNorth good point. I do feel panic at not being in “control” - I can’t get him back, I’ve lost someone / the only person, who claimed to be in love with me and wanted to be with me