Ex has a new GF and I feel like SHIT!

[RosieIs44]

We were intense but on/off for 2 years. He’d push for more commitment and then would blow everything up kind of thing.

I’ve found out he’s seeing this amazing woman / younger, prettier, way more successful than me and incredibly talented. Oh and no kids.

We were last together only two weeks ago! I feel I’m losing my shit and feel obsessed with her ?! and comparing myself with her. Awful awful feeling and I can’t get on top of it. Looking for wisdom to help me from going ballistic and self imploding :(

@LadofNorth yep, not being able to get it back. That always sends me into panic. I’m bad at letting go, even of bad things

@RosieIs44 it definitely amplifies things. Don't compare yourself to anyone else. She is not a superwoman. This doesn't exist. I bet when the initial honeymoon period dies down he'll be thinking of you. But by then you'll be in a much better place

OP, may I recommend the book “Love Life” by Matthew Hussey? I listened to it on audible after hearing him on the Mel Robbins podcast

his book was very healing for me (ex-H was arrested, very traumatic messy divorce which left me feeling like a bag of shite and with massive trust issues!) and reading your thread I think you would be helped by it too. There’s a whole chapter on the one who got away and how they definitely weren’t the right person for you.

maybe listen to the podcast and see what you think before getting the book Link to the podcast is here

@blondieminx thank you. I’ve actually listened to that episode the last time we broke it off! We were def stuck at one of the earlier stages… think attraction/lust whichever that was. It hit the nail on the head!

No matter what therapy, or how many relationship books and podcasts I consume, this one connection for some reason had driven me absolutely bonkers. It’s like something else takes over my rational driving seat.

Maybe this time is the END. It needs to be. It has happened before and he’s come back, I guess when the other thing hasn’t panned out. Determined to not let that ever happen again (even though perversely hoping for that)

You said yourself it needs to be.

it hasn’t worked out - he really isn’t the one. It’s a dysfunctional dynamic that isn’t helping you in life.

deep breaths, shoulders back and time to spend time on yourself for a bit before considering any other relationship eh xx

It’s just dawning on me that I think he goes all cold and discards me by making an issue (ie my commitment) only when there’s someone else lined up… then comes back if and when it doesn’t work out. I think… he swears he has “never ever done wrong by me” but am feeling increasingly like the whole thing has been fake

@blondieminx thank you. My life has certainly just gone in circles since him being in it! Deep breaths, tennis and tea x

@RosieIs44 sounds like you are getting to the next stage. You are finding your anger.This is a good sign!

Replace the word 'insecure' with 'controlling'.

Men are not insecure about you and other men.
They use pretend insecurity to control you.

@Pinkbonbon thank you! He was obsessed with my ex before him being controlling (DCs father), but that ex never gave two hoots about where or who I was with. He was controlling in other ways. This one would freak out if I went to a party and there were men there. But if I questioned his ongoing friendship with someone he’d actually slept with while we were on a break, he’d get so angry and defensive and call me controlling.

Think that’s also gaslighting, right

Hmm...

It would fall under gaslighting if he was making out you were crazy to have a problem with something that most people would obviously have a problem with. Which I suppose would apply to your situation. I can't imagine anyone would want their partner to keep chatting to someone they'd slept with whilst on a break. It's disrespectful.

So yes I'd agree that would potentially fall under gaslighting. Although, either way, he clearly wasn't a nice person.

I could understand his concern about parties with men there if it was for your saftey. But I suspect his problem was more that because he couldn't trust himself not to cheat under such circumstances, he expected you were the same.

Cheaters and people who would cheat, always assume you would too, given opportunity. They have no moral fibre and think everyone else is just as rotten as them.

@Pinkbonbon ooh, great insight. Thank you. Its massively helping me get perspective.

Yes he wanted to stay “friends” with the woman he slept with and made out I was crazy, selfish and “how dare I” try to stop him having friends. And that I was controlling when I said it was a trigger for me and I’d rather him not meet up with her. Funnily enough, we last got back together after she began seeing someone 😐

He was worried I’d go off with any man basically - even though I’d absolutely never and never gave him any indication I would. So what you say about cheaters/potential cheaters hits home. He’d always proclaim to be super loyal though and would go into capitals if I ever asked him about it ie NO, I’D NEVER EVER DO THAT

One friend had a theory he was lying when he went to capitals.

You are right. He isn’t a nice person.

What does 'went to capitals' mean?

Tbf It WOULD be controlling to 'order' anyone not to contact someone. But I suspect you were just pleading with him not to, out of respect for you and the relationship. But he phrased it as you 'ordering him about'.

You should never have to plead for respect.
Or for a partner to not behave in hurtful ways. Or for them to give a shit that they are hurting you.

And men who protest loudly that they would never cheat are essentially 'nice guys'. As in, real nice guys don't need to SAY they are nice guys. Men who don't cheat wouldn't even think to talk about how they'd never cheat.

So beware of any mr 'I'd never cheat, cheaters are scum!'.

@Pinkbonbon “order” was a typo. Amended now.

I mean in messages when he wrote something in capitals…

He’d always say he was an open book with nothing g to hide - which even I thought was a weird thing to say if that was really the case.

Yeah, I guess feeling loved and cherished for the first time in ages, maybe ever, made me not weigh all the bad stuff as heavily as I should. And was essentially the reason it went on and on. And gave me a dopamine hit, I guess, which I’m now craving like an addict.

Maybe hit a gym or dance about a the house, should give you the same rush of endorphins!

I had one like this— felt like such deep love and kept going on and off in circles. The whole thing drove me to total distraction, like you are now. It’s been a while and I feel much better now, the sting has come out of it and I don’t think about him much. Posting in case it helps.

Look at it this way; she's going to experience the same behavior with him that you did, so what's to envy? He's her problem now and you're better off. Concentrate on your own life, not his. Cut yourself off from him completely (including social media) so you don't have to know what he's up to.

@goldsocks thank you for sharing, it really helps. Sorry you went through it too. It’s like a haunting madness. Were you able to move on?

@XChrome good point. Guess selfishly I worry it will work out and then I’d be the problem - despite knowing he’s done this before and knowing it’s bad and that I shouldn’t have ignored it. I know I need to cut off now and concentrate on my own (heavily neglected!) life

Yes I have moved on. I know it sounds silly but I was almost driven to compete madness by it. I invented a sort of ceremony to signify that I was cutting off from it. Amazingly it worked. I nearly lost my mind OP, never known anything like it. It was having his hooks right in me and then suddenly withdrawn. Take care.

"Yeah, I guess feeling loved and cherished for the first time in ages, maybe ever, made me not weigh all the bad stuff as heavily as I should. And was essentially the reason it went on and on. And gave me a dopamine hit, I guess, which I’m now craving like an addict."

Love bombing?

@Ejvd possibly. It went on for over two years, I don’t know what’s true anymore. He’d say he wanted me to commit more and build a future, but maybe he was future faking. Maybe it was for control. Then he’d blow it up with a crazy fight out of nowhere.

Have blocked and made a new 45 day date for no contact. I know I can’t contact him or look at his social media, as when this happened 18 months ago and we split, he started (briefly) seeing someone (the woman he wanted to stay friends with), and I had a nervous breakdown over it. When after they slept together and there wasn’t a connection (apparently), he basically got in contact with me the next day -and told me all of that.

Need to protect myself here

What are you making a future contact day for? Either you want him in your life or you don't. He'll still be the same manipulative bastard in 45 days. And you will still be manipulated by his tactics. It'll just be a repeat performance. If you don't want to do the same round and round with him for the next few years, block him on every social media and communication method, and MOVE ON. Either you move on now, or you move on down the line after hes wasted more years of your life. You can't be friends with this guy. A true friend would respect you. Not lie, gaslight and manipulate you and use you for sex. He is not your friend.

@Ejvd oh no it’s not a future contact date. It’s a psychological thing, it’s thought you go 45 days and then you’re over them. I find it helpful.

Yes it basically comes down to he is not my friend. Even the 3-date woman means more to him.

I let him push my boundaries until I had none and he then lost all respect.

Am sure someone with better self-esteem and a stronger personality will be able to gel with him. Which makes me feel worse

You have a child I think pull yourself together and put them first stop doing this to them

@Edingril ?? My child knows nothing of this and I’m still an excellent mum, thanks. That’s completely mad.

Think after 10 years of misery with her father I have a right to search for love also, even if it means getting it wrong