Ex has a new GF and I feel like SHIT!

[RosieIs44]

We were intense but on/off for 2 years. He’d push for more commitment and then would blow everything up kind of thing.

I’ve found out he’s seeing this amazing woman / younger, prettier, way more successful than me and incredibly talented. Oh and no kids.

We were last together only two weeks ago! I feel I’m losing my shit and feel obsessed with her ?! and comparing myself with her. Awful awful feeling and I can’t get on top of it. Looking for wisdom to help me from going ballistic and self imploding :(

I bet you're prettier and just feeling insecure as most people would.

Stop being so hard on yourself op.

You will meet someone a million times better when the time is right.

A tip, someone who says they are "an open book" are anything but. Someone I dated a while back uttered those words to me, and it gave me the chills at the time. Down the line, sure enough, I realised he was anything but. You can try by asking the right questions, it's all you can do, but you will still come up against people who lie and tell you what you want to hear to get their way.
Honest people don't brag about it, they assume its a normal way most people live.

Oh and if his current date is that good, she won't put up with him for long. Anyone who knows their worth would give this guy a swerve, as you should, don't waste your time on him.

Someone with "better self esteem and a stronger personality" would have nothing to do with him, if he behaves to them the way he behaved to you.

You won't be over him after 45 days. Where did you hear that nonsense? I don't think that belief has helped you. It wasn't true in the past, was it? Sounds like it's just an excuse you've given yourself to unblock him later. But maybe there's something I'm not understanding and this belief will genuinely help you somehow.

I suspect that you are primed and ready to get messed about by another man, even if you moved on. I think your picker is off. If you can't afford therapy, then maybe date more than 1 man at a time and give yourself options. And don't attach yourself to one man too quickly. I don't know what the answer is to the broken picker, but just be wary when you start dating again.

@H112 thank you. Learning to be kind to myself

@Opentooffers the open book thing def had me worrying too… never had someone raised my suspicions and proclaimed their innocence so loudly. I know re the other woman/women - I need to get over the thought I wasn’t a strong enough character/good enough

@Ejvd no, I won’t be in contact with him. I realise it would only hurt me. My picker was off I believe as I was lonely, in a small town, bored and he offered company and fun and loads of attention. In a nutshell. There’s no way in hell I’d do it again. I am in therapy

"Yeah, I guess feeling loved and cherished for the first time in ages, maybe ever, made me not weigh all the bad stuff as heavily as I should. And was essentially the reason it went on and on. And gave me a dopamine hit, I guess, which I’m now craving like an addict."

Oh, love. I just want to give you a big virtual hug. It's what we all damn well want, because we're human. Please don't be too hard on yourself.

Sometimes this stuff seems SO obvious in retrospect that we feel like idiots for not spotting it at the time. But it's just not that simple. At least you know you won't make the same mistake again.

Struggling today. Have messaged him twice 😞

Once about the reason for ending it (he reiterated I couldn’t give him security, commitment etc - which I’m not sure is entirely true, and that was the only reason). Said he wasn’t dating anyone

Second time because I’ve been called back to hospital after something spotted on my mammogram. I thought he’d be really concerned and come over. Nope. Said “ honestly sorry to hear that, sure it’s ok but worth checking out”

This guy isn’t even my friend, is he? After two years 😔

Oh love, please stop messaging him. He is gone.

And don't pin so much hope on the random 45 day thing because the let down when/if you feel no different then will be very bad.

The fact you've messaged him twice today suggests you're not doing yourself any good.

His response was I think the right one. Not being willing to be hooked back and reeled in by your news. It seems callous - but it is better to make a clean break.

All the very best for your results. Whatever they may be, he is not a part of it.

Please focus on your therapy, on yourself, on your own circle, your child, your interests and every time you fund your thoughts lurching over to him, turn that focus elsewhere.

You keep talking about the commitment thing, OP. You know this isn't true. If it were then he'd be with you now because you are desperate to be with him. It's not true. He's using this non-thing as a stick to beat you with. He knows how you feel about him and you matter so little to him that he's spitefully pulling your strings to get an ego stroke.

Don't give him that. Please stop it. Every time you message him he gets a boost - and you get the same but as a slap because you know it's not good for you. The more you do this, the lower you will feel.

I don't doubt that you're a great mum but if you think that your child isn't picking up on your sadness then you're mistaken, you really are.

For your sake, stop this - just stop it. Delete his number and block it. You will not even start getting over this twat until you do that.

@JFDIYOLO

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

thank you both. It’s the mindf@ck I think of being told it’s my issue? But then that also being true as how can I commit to someone who causes an issue everytime I try? So then if course when he asks if there’s a future I don’t know the answer… walking straight into his “you’re the issue, I’m blameless” trap. If I point out the above he says he’s not arguing with my narrative. Ffs

He said two years is long enough to wait around, and I agree.

They will be done in a year trust me

I think this is brilliant advice

No, he isn't. He's nobody's friend really. He doesn't care about others.
I know that it's like he's a drug and you keep wanting a hit, but you have to stop contacting him.

I feel like with a set date of no contact you will just be counting down the days until you can contact him again. You have to have reasons that you don’t want to contact him and then stick to it

I am in the same position as you. Partner of 5 years moved in with his slimmer, prettier gf who does not have any children or responsibilities last week, four weeks after we separated . They are now living out their love story via social media (which I’m not on but friends keep telling me!). Two weeks before we separated he was sobbing at my door saying I was his life. The following day he turned completely cold. It makes you feel absolutely worthless. Discarded. Sending you all the best.

He knows he can pick you up and put you back down again as he chooses. It's so obvious that you'll always be there waiting when he wants to get his leg over for a while. What does he need to do to get you to dump him? I think you're still in a relationship with him. You say you've broken up, but in fact you're just waiting until he tires of his latest woman and comes back to get laid until he can find another woman. That seems to be what your relationship is.

Yeah. You’re right. He actually has no to very few friends. And those are old men in the pub. His friendships blow up too.

Well he thinks that’s what I’ve been doing to him. Using him as a FWB with no plan to take it further. He would say over and over he wasn’t going to be used for sex, only see me for 3 hours a week etc. He wanted to be together all the time which was too much for me. So am not sure your analysis is correct. But I really don’t know. I’m just protecting myself from the hurt so won’t be there next time. I’ve been chatting to another guy I know vaguely and we’re going to meet up. Too soon for dating but it’s the distraction that I need from him. Someone else to break the spell

@CraftyGreyFawn oh no, I’m so sorry. That’s awful. That she’s let him move in so quickly doesn’t bode well. That’s madness.

Hope the great advice I have had here is helping. I think some people just need to throw themselves into something new to avoid dealing with the pain etc.

Also, reading this from your perspective I immediately think I bet she’s not better than you. It’s just the crazy making comparison because it’s so quick. Like turning off a tap. It’ll catch up to him.

You need to be single for a while, don't bring another man into this shitshow.

You seem to be trying to convince us, and yourself, that he was the once chasing you, and you were putting off commitment. That's obviously not true as PPs say he clicks his fingers you are there. The fact you are obsessing over him on the internet instead of focusing on what you want for you and your child's future says it all!

He needs to block you, as you don't seem able to cut contact from your end. It's sad to read how much attention and energy you are spending on him and this on/off toxic situation.

Concentrate on being there for your child, this isn't healthy for anyone.

@violetto not really. I’m not into lying to myself or convincing anyone of anything. I’m trying to work out my part in this, and it’s true that I couldn’t give him as much time and attention as he wanted (as I have a child and don’t want them around another man yet).

I don’t really appreciate you insinuating it’s all me and him clicking his fingers. It’s not been like that at all. Mostly quite the opposite, given the headfuck I’m in now. He’s only seen one other person for 3-4 dates while we weren’t together in over 2 years. I’ve seen two others.

Also, my child is fully concentrated on, happy and fulfilled. To suggest that I can’t function fully on that level while posting on here is insulting.

He’s getting some of my headspace yes, but I’m certainly not moping or outwardly changed at all. And if I think shagging someone else will
help me get over it, that’s what I’m going to do

Still haven’t messaged him or looked at his social media. Feeling a bit better. But also like I don’t want to be intimate with anyone else that isn’t him ever again. Even the thought makes me cry. Hope I’ll keep feeling more and more distanced as time goes on.

You will. Those feelings are going to ease off. No need to think about being intimate with anybody right now. You need to heal before even considering letting a new person in your life.

You two was last together two weeks ago op and hes moved on already? And you two were seeing each other on and off for two + years... I doubt you're out of his mind completely but also it doesnt sound like the healthiest relationship you and he had if you was both on and off.. remember just because things on the surface seem great between a couple it isn't always rosy..