DH has no friends

[notsureaboutthischapter]

I’ve always known DH was introverted and not a hugely sociable person. It’s ok because I’m fairly introverted too.

However it’s recently starting to bother me that he has just stopped making any effort at all with other people. We moved to a new area three years ago and I’m not exaggerating when I say he has made not one single friend. He says he will see if our neighbour wants to go for a beer but then he doesn’t, he says he’s thinking about volunteering to be a school governor but then it never happens, one of the school dads organised drinks but he doesn’t want to go because he says he doesn’t like any of them.

He does have friends from his school days but they’re back in his hometown which is 120 miles away. I just don’t think it’s healthy for him to be so isolated. He is a good dad and works hard but just doesn’t have anything outside of me, the kids and work.

Should I just accept him the way he is or is it fair enough for me to feel frustrated and fed up with this?

Does he socialise with friends with you, like couple friends? If he doesn't, I know that's annoying from experience, but if he does then I don't think you are right to be annoyed by him.

What does he do in his spare time? Does he have online friends? If not then i think you just have to accept that this is who he is. Can you include him in your circle?

I think this is very common for many men, they make DW / DP the centre of their social world. My husband has old friends he contacts from time to time and will socialise with couples we are friends with, but doesn’t go out on his own for a beer or anything. He’d rather be home with me. I don’t mind, but I do worry what he’d do if I died!

Not frequently, but once every few months we might be invited to a party or something together and he will usually go to that. We also have old friends from 10+ years ago and occasionally we will visit them together.

All of the friends I’ve met more recently are people I’ve met independently so they don’t really know him and there’s no reason why he’d socialise with them.

Just works, goes to the gym or reads/watches TV. He will message friends who live a long way away but rarely sees them in person.

Should I just accept him the way he is or is it fair enough for me to feel frustrated and fed up with this

Both. He is allowed to be who he is. You are allowed not to like it.

Why is it bothering you?

I can see both sides of this. You can feel a lot of responsibility for a partner that relies on you for all of their social needs. Even if they are happy you still feel that.

On the other hand some of us really suck at making new friends and making more effort at it doesn't make for better results.

I have similar worries with my OH but I don't have any advice for him. I made my current friends on mat leave and he can't do that.

Gym are great please for men to make friends has he not made any there

I don't know if it helps but I am like him. I also have friends who don't live near me and none locally. I am extremely introverted and can't really be bothered with the pressure of going out and seeing people often, so occasional meet ups work best for me. I have often wondered if I am autistic actually as friendships just feel like pressure to me.

The key thing is whether you are pressured to be his social outlet as that isn't fair. I am happiest alone and have gone weeks without speaking to anyone when single and was perfectly content.

It sounds like he does go out and speak to friends so the question is why does this bother you? Do you want someone more social? Are you worried about him? Do you feel pressured to always be everything to him? Once you have figured that out you can have a conversation with him.

My partner is almost exactly the same and it does bother me sometimes if I'm honest. I am basically his only real social outlet and so I feel pressure there. Him having no external life outside the house means sometimes I have fuck all to say to him. He used to do things with friends when we first met, but since COVID that died off and he just doesn't bother now. He also used to want to go out and do things as a couple, which has almost totally died off in the last few years, unless I arrange things. As a result of both I feel like our relationship is stagnating a bit.

So i summary, I can see where you're coming from 😄 I don't have a solution tbh. It's who he is now so I suck it up, but I do sometimes wonder if I'd be happier with someone whose lifestyle was more aligned with my own.

Is he happy?

I'm fairly introverted. I've got two really good friends from my schooldays, but they live away so I only really see them occasionally, we'll mostly keep in touch online.

Aside from that I might go for the occasional pint with work people after work, but I don't need much more than that, and I'll happily socialise with DPs friends for a few hours a couple of times a month.

It may not be a "big" life, but it's one I'm happy with. I actively enjoy solitude, so it's not like I'm forever following DP around as I'm desperate for company.

Does it bother him? I think men have a different attitude to friendships. OH met up with an old friend he hadn't seen for years, I got talking to his wife and they went to the pub. It was as if they'd seen each other the day before just a brief 'how's things' 'fine'. I found out much more about what had been going on talking to his wife, OHs comment was if it was important he'd have said.

Mine doesn't have any friends. He's perfectly content that way. He works etc... is a school governor. I always say people he works with probably regard him as a friend, he just doesn't share their sentiment.

My dh is similar. He has an old group school friend s he sees couple times a year. And that's it. He moved to my city about 12 years ago and has made no friends nor at the two jobs he's had. I used to get frustrated now I leave him be. He goes to the gym a few times a week and we do family stuff on a weekend. I see my friends every few weeks, have a couple weekends a way a year too . I don't take responsibility for his lack of social life that's on him

He'd quickly find another wife, more than likely. Seen it happen a number of times. Usually around six months after the death of the first one.

@Nevernote

Shitty thing to write.

My wife passed away in January so on your six-month rule.

I am not in the slightest bit interested in another woman. Missing my wife too much.

Jeez, I could word it stronger, but I won't.

Why is it shitty? I've known this happen in a number of men, that they tend to miss being married when their wife dies more than the other way around. I think women who are widowed often have a network of friends for emotional support, and many decide not to remarry. Whereas the type of men who don't tend to develop close friendships are doubly bereaved - they have lost their wife and their sole source of emotional support.

In one case the wife, who was terminally ill, actually suggested someone suitable for her husband after she died. He duly married her six months later.

I am very happy with my own company. I find people/socialising draining and tiresome. I do have friends and thankfully they understand this about me. I work with a lot of people and expend a lot of time and energy at work. Outside of that I'm incredibly happy just being me. If your DH is happy with how he is and he isnt telling you to be the same....then what's the issue?!

i don’t see anyone talking to each other at the gym. Most people have ear buds in and just ignore each other. Might ask are you stil using that but that’s about it.

I am similar to your husband. I really have no interest in other people or what they have to say, it’s just not relevant to me. I also don’t think anything I have to say would interest anyone either. I find socialising a total hassle and it brings me down. I prefer online forums because at least there you find discussions on niche topics which 99% of people haven’t a clue about or take any interest in.

If I was suddenly not married I wouldn’t remarry or go into another relationship, I’d be fully alone except for the kids and the handful of family members I have left.

OP I think he sounds perfectly normal

There's nothing wrong with that. Why should he pretend to be friends with people he doesn't like?

What I don’t get is why it frustrates you and makes you fed up

Right. So it doesn't apply to you, but it did apply to the bereaved men I've known. People are allowed their experiences, and their opinion. I've given you the reasons that I think are behind what I've observed, which are actually quite compassionate of men's experience.

Sorry you find that so offensive, but frankly I find men like you coming onto a female forum and spitting venom at women pretty offensive too. You're clearly in pain over your loss, which I understand, but pack it in with the personal attacks and name calling.