DH has no friends

[notsureaboutthischapter]

I’ve always known DH was introverted and not a hugely sociable person. It’s ok because I’m fairly introverted too.

However it’s recently starting to bother me that he has just stopped making any effort at all with other people. We moved to a new area three years ago and I’m not exaggerating when I say he has made not one single friend. He says he will see if our neighbour wants to go for a beer but then he doesn’t, he says he’s thinking about volunteering to be a school governor but then it never happens, one of the school dads organised drinks but he doesn’t want to go because he says he doesn’t like any of them.

He does have friends from his school days but they’re back in his hometown which is 120 miles away. I just don’t think it’s healthy for him to be so isolated. He is a good dad and works hard but just doesn’t have anything outside of me, the kids and work.

Should I just accept him the way he is or is it fair enough for me to feel frustrated and fed up with this?

Why are you frustrated and fed up though? Seems an extreme reaction. Some people aren't that keen on friendships or doing things beyond work. My father is like that. If your husband is ok with it, why are you insisting?

Thanks everyone for the contributions! A few people have asked why I find it frustrating so I have been thinking about this.

One of the reasons is that we moved here three years ago and I’ve never been quite sure it was the right move (although we were both on board with the idea at the time). It’s felt quite isolating and lonely at times. I’ve found it a real uphill battle trying to make friends but I’ve done it because I didn’t want to feel so isolated in our new community. It’s important to me to feel like I have some connections to where we live. DH has no connections locally at all and could literally be living anywhere, so I feel like it’s all on me to build some kind of community.

Another reason is, as PP have suggested, he is completely dependant on me for a social life. Never once have we ever been invited anywhere because of him, he does prefer it if our kids have others to hang out with but it’s all on me to sort that out because he doesn’t know anybody with kids. Even at a very basic level, he’ll never say “oh I heard there’s xyz happening today and it’s meant to be really good” because he never talks to anyone to find out about anything.

And I guess the final thing is I find it quite unattractive that he is so negative about people all the time and won’t give anyone a chance. He will be polite to all of my friends’ husbands but behind their backs he’s rude about all of them. He just doesn’t really seem to like anybody at all.

He is following the model set by his parents who were also very introverted and had no friends. His father died a few years ago and now his mother complains all the time that she’s lonely and has nothing to do and nowhere to go as she was completely dependant on her husband for any social life outside of work. She’s only late 60s but seems years older, she does nothing really except stay at home and read.

DH has said time and time again that it’s not healthy and he wishes she had developed some kind of social network outside her husband but doesn’t seem to recognise that he’s following exactly the same pattern. I think he’s just working on the basis that it probably won’t be a problem for him as statistically he’s more likely to die before me!!

I'm worried that my parents will end up like this. I'm more sympathetic after growing up and discovering for myself how hard it is to make adult friends even when you make a lot of effort but it's always a worry as they get older.

They also now believe all sorts of really daft things for degree educated people living otherwise functional lives. I wonder if it's because they've spent so little time in the last 2 decades socialising that they just go down online rabbit holes and don't have real life conversations to balance it out. I really worry about where this will lead mental health wise.

What daft things?

Living somewhere rural / remote might be part of it. I’m working on the basis that where I currently live - which like you is kind of rural / villagy - is temporary. We live here now because it fulfils a need while the kids are in education. I hate it though and I don’t want anything to do with it, I don’t want to put down any roots, I don’t want to be part of it. I will tolerate it until the kids are out of high school then the world is available again and I can go anywhere.

Conspiracy type stuff like the covid virus not being real and new world order sounding stuff. It's not that I really mind them having odd views but it makes them really unhappy and anxious.

My parents say that they are happy without friends and that they don't really like other people. I believe them when they say this but I think it's something that's true in the short term but is still having longer term consequences on them.

Some people just don't like socialising and that's okay. Don't try and change his whole personality to suit you.
I've never liked socialising I don't have any friends because I choose not too. I love my own company and being around others completely drains me

Yes, I can see how that's difficult for you. I think one of the problems is that as you get older, you naturally become more wary of people. You've been hurt or let down too many times, it's easier to withdraw.

The problem for me is that I've become the only one that ever organises anything vaguely sociable. I wish it was a bit more equal, but I suspect it's often the case in couples.

Don't even get me started with this. Same in my relationship. Any theories as to why it shakes out this way?

And on a practical level when you retire you are around even less people, thinking about it that's when it really started for them. I'm not trying to judge them, I suck at making friends too and if all my friends drift and I can't make more that could be me one day.

I think it's a bit like exercise, some love and some hate it but even the people that hate it can't be completely sedentary without their health being impacted.

@Nevernote I think it must be connected to making an effort to keep in touch with people, suggest things to do, keep interested in other peoples lives. I've learned in my life that maintaining friendships does require a bit of effort on both sides, and waiting for the other person to suggest doing something can mean the friendship dies off. To be honest I think my DH just isn't prepared to make the effort, but he is happy to socialise once it's all organised.

My DH is like that, he’s haply as he is. I’m an introvert but he doesn’t get in the way of the minimal socialising I do. I knew thats what he was like when we got married, as long as he’s happy thats fine by me.

You accept him the way that he is.

I’m similar to your DH. I’m an introvert and am happy to not socialise. I’d hate it if my DH was bothered by it, and it wouldn’t change anything. He isn’t very sociable either, though he occasionally goes out with work colleagues.

DH is in no way the centre of my world. We both value time to ourselves and spend most evenings separately doing our own thing. I have multiple hobbies and happily spend hours on those. I find socialising draining.

We did socialise with other couples occasionally before having DC (which I really didn’t enjoy) but we haven’t since.

I'm deeply grateful that my DH and I have maintained our separate friendship groups so now that he is retired, he has people to meet and have hobby conversations with. Otherwise he'd be at home all the time rarely going out and that isn't very healthy when you're retired. Socialising is very important as you get older, keeps the brain active in all sorts of ways

I don't think there is anything wrong with being introverted and happy in your own company, in fact I would say that I envy those in that position. I do worry about becoming more isolated and lacking social contact as I personally find that very depressing. Of course it's each to their own. In my case my DH used to be more sociable than he is now, and less grumpy than he is now.

Nothing wrong with this. My DH gets on great with our neighbours, work colleagues etc but never goes out with anyone socialising other than me. He walks our dogs, loves gardening and diy . He is simply happy in his own skin.

My PIL and BIL don't have any friends. I know my SIL finds it frustrating that her DH never goes out without her. I think when you are busy with kids and work it is sometimes less obvious. Think it can be harder once you retire- my DH has felt a lot of pressure with his parents basically not seeing anyone outside of immediate family.

This sounds pretty normal I don’t understand why it bothers you

My DH is similar but he has recently retired and also gone through a bit of a mental health crisis (related to DCs not to retirement).
He did chat a lot to people at work, but now he has joined a mental health walking group and a group for adoptive Dads, and even went to a group for parents of children with SEN where he is the only man! He used to hate going to toddler groups because he was the only man.
He prefers to go the pub to watch football on his own, but seems to have a new lease of life now he's retired and once he started addressing his mental health seriously.
So there's hope!

DH is like this. He’s very introverted and happy in his own company really. Has a good job and is well liked by his colleagues but doesn’t have friends he meets up with. It’s just the way he is.

Is it really normal not to have any friends at all? I know lots of people on this thread have said it’s normal for them, but outside of online forums I don’t know anyone that doesn’t have any social contact outside of their wife and children.

I don't think this is much of a problem, maybe because my dh is the same. He has had friendships over the years but never stayed in touch with anyone longterm. In fact, it has now washed off onto me and I don't really have many friends, a few school friends I stay in scant contact with online, a school gate mum I see roughly once a fortnight, but little more than that. Dh and I are each other's friend, we don't really need others.

Well of course you don’t, because they don’t have any social contact outside their wife and children. But believe me, we exist 😀