DH has no friends

[notsureaboutthischapter]

I’ve always known DH was introverted and not a hugely sociable person. It’s ok because I’m fairly introverted too.

However it’s recently starting to bother me that he has just stopped making any effort at all with other people. We moved to a new area three years ago and I’m not exaggerating when I say he has made not one single friend. He says he will see if our neighbour wants to go for a beer but then he doesn’t, he says he’s thinking about volunteering to be a school governor but then it never happens, one of the school dads organised drinks but he doesn’t want to go because he says he doesn’t like any of them.

He does have friends from his school days but they’re back in his hometown which is 120 miles away. I just don’t think it’s healthy for him to be so isolated. He is a good dad and works hard but just doesn’t have anything outside of me, the kids and work.

Should I just accept him the way he is or is it fair enough for me to feel frustrated and fed up with this?

I can get frustrated with DP for being anti social but he’s always been the same. He tolerates people and I’ve accepted it as who he is.

Do not give up your own social life.

Continue to nurture your own friendships.

Go out and enjoy yourself.

You are not responsible for delivering a ready-made life to your DH. You are not his therapist, his rehab unit, his anything-and-everything. That is a totally unreasonable pressure.

Your life belongs to you and you can do what you want with it.

Same goes for him, so he'll get out of it what he puts in.

That’s what my mother in law always said, and then her husband died at age 61 and she’s been depressed, lonely and miserable every day since 🤷‍♀️

Yes, fair point and one that has occurred to me. But it works for us at the moment.

Yep - even if he didn't go looking, a new wife would find him.

Well, you wouldn't really, because they don't tend to socialise.

@notsureaboutthischapter I know many men like this, they might have the odd message session on whatsapp or talk on online forums etc but don't really meet up with anyone.

But you said he has friends they just don’t live near you. I live within 15mins of my (3) friends, I saw them Friday but before that it was over 6 months ago. Some of us are happy to not socialise often lol

I really don’t think it matters as long as he’s happy. 🤷‍♀️

I am very, very introverted. I don’t want any friends. I don’t have any friends. None at all. I have my dh and my dc and that’s it, no other family either. (On either side). Actively try to shut down friendships from other mums etc because I just don’t want that. Yes I’ll be polite to other people for my dcs sake and people try to be friends with me and I’m nice back but have no desire to be messaging, meeting up with people etc.

Mumsnet and a few health groups on Facebook provide my social outlet and I like that because I can just close it and walk away when I’ve had enough.

I find people and social stuff stressful and I enjoy my own space - walking, gardening, netflix, reading etc. Not remotely interested in socialising. I don’t work due to health reasons and enjoy peace and quiet.

Everyone is different.

You can’t define people by the number of friends they have.
I have a busy people-orientated job. About 4 long term friends who I meet about once a year and the rest of the time family and my pets are enough. I don’t want to see people all the time. To me it’s just a faff that stops me from doing the things I want.I get all the socialising I need ( and more) from work.

Your DH is probably enjoying his own company and needs to be left alone.

My DH is like this too. He has one friend who now lives abroad, they will meet if the friend comes back to the UK and I think they message each other sometimes but it can be months between messages. He has 3 siblings and he messages/very occasionally phones them and sees them a few times a year (they all live in different parts of the UK).

He enjoys going for after work drinks when they happen and has twice met up with another guy (2 seperate people) from work for a bike ride. But it never progresses.

I think he is just very passive when it comes to friendships and won't bother to message first or suggest meeting. He enjoys others' company but not enough to bother seeking it out.

It does bother me as I don't think it's healthy and he does enjoy seeing people when someone else organises it but it's not my problem to solve.