FWB but at work help

[Justkeepcalm]

I’ve got myself into a right mess and need some advice here.

Someone at work started showing an interest in me. It was very intense to start with, texting, calling, having lunch etc. we went out but nothing happened. We didn’t sleep together for a number of months and tbh the communication had got less. but the first time I told him I only wanted FWB (I put my barriers up to stop myself getting hurt) but he seemed a bit taken aback when I said it, like he wasn’t expecting it and went really quiet on me for a week. So in my head thought maybe he does want more, tried to claw this back but I think at that point he’d put me in the Fwb category as shut me down. Because I’d let my barriers down, this also really hurt and I knew deep down I shouldn’t carry on but couldn’t let go. Found out he was seeing someone but he’d still ask when I was available etc. he told me they aren’t getting on at the moment. went round (stupidly) and now I feel really low because I know he doesn’t see me that way even though he’s said maybe we could go out sometime. he did also say a while ago he didn’t want to hurt me and we can stop but I said it was fine like an idiot.

If I didn’t work with him I’d go NC but it’s so hard at work, how the hell do you do NC at work? How do you stop the feelings. I just want to switch them off. Anyone been here.

also don’t want to leave, love working there, best job I’ve ever had. And why should I leave a job I love over a man.

Have you slept with him?

Yes a few times

I think the issue is in wanting to shut your feelings off. There's no self respect there. Who is taking care of you? You're not; so it's natural you'll try to hold on to someone else who showed signs of doing so.

How about being nice to yourself, rather than just saying 'Shut up, stupid feelings!' Your feelings are your heart. Don't you want to be nice to it, rather than forcing it to shut its' stupid mouth? What would you say to a friend in your position? 'Shut up about your feelings, I don't want to hear them.'?

I mean there's seems to be a bit of confusion about who wants what. Could you have a frank conversation with him first before leaving the relationship. Say you have feelings after all and the fwb isn't working for that reason so it's a relationship or finish. Hard I know but maybe better.

keep your head down
nod and tightly smile when you see him around
focus on work
don’t reply to messages

if you do this (which you won’t) then it will fizzle out

@Watchkeys get you 100% it’s about acknowledging them but also I don’t want to hold onto them forever. I think it’s about letting go of them which is what I find hard.

@ohno2024 i don’t think he wants me tbh. Just a gut feeling.

@itistooeasy im going to try. I think I might start with keeping responses brief and saying I’m busy etc.

The feelings are more likely to be her hormones, not her heart. The man hasn't shown any signs of wanting to take care of her, he's been vey obvious he just wants to shag her behind his GFs back.

That's an important distinction that will be helpful rather than thinking it's heartfelt.

Seems like what's happened is she liked the attention. felt an attraction, she lied saying she only wanted FWB, and like thousands of women, found that shagging someone releases all these hormones like Oxytocin which makes her feel a bond.

Whereas he can say 'sorry, you did say you just wanted to be FWB and I don't see you as more than that'. 'I'm not a complete shit shagging you when i'm seeing someone, we're not getting on'.

So now she's hurt and in the dangerous stage where her hormones are in overdrive and she's feeling rejected and thinking she has 'feelings for him' and it's her 'heart' telling her she wants this man, who cheated on his partner with her, has shown no signs of wanting to do anything but shag her but is likely to make her think star-crossed lovers and pursue him or at least leave the door open enough that she has more of an affair than she already has.

A tale as old as time.

It's probably healthier she leaves the job. She's already crossed so many boundaries including professional and this has the potential to blow up massively with OP being the one that suffers the most.

so engaging with him

ok

@ohno2024 yes initially brief in the hope he gets the point and stops engaging.

@HumanLeague just to clarify, they weren’t official, were free to see other people so he’s not cheated but I think he did want things to go that way with her but they haven’t. And you are right, I know it’s the hormone's that’s causing the feelings that aren’t real. I just need to stop getting the rush of the feeling and let it go. I love my job though, worked in so many companies and this one is by far the best. Not many places that don’t have a toxic work culture. I was so miserable in my last job, i dont want to feel that way again so changing jobs isn’t an option for me, i just need to work through it.

OP do you work alongside him or can you avoid him at work? He knows what he's doing, has two women to pick from and is messing with you both by the sound of it. Please limit contact at work and keep things entirely professional. Perhaps one text to say you've moved on and then don't engage.

@Seaoftroubles thankfully no I don’t so limiting is easy. But when he messages I don’t want to completely ignore as don’t like awkwardness so I think very brief and boring responses that don’t really require an answer.

Okay.

So focus on that. He hoped to go official with her but not with you.

You told him you only wanted FWB, he thought wahey great. Then you've got attached, knew he was seeing someone but still went round which sounds like you didn't even go out, you went round to his place for sex .

You've told him that you've got attached and he's said 'sorry didn't want to hurt you. We can still go out sometimes'.

He's telling you he wants to leave the door open for occasional sex but doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Sorry that seems blunt but that's what he's telling you.

And as long as you're still seeing him at work you're vulnerable to the excitement, the attention, the laughs, and the glances and the chats and the fact you're a woman and we get all these messages including on MN where women often really want to think that the men we want, want us and if they're flirting with us, inviting us out, texting and sharing confidences and other things and most of all, having sex with us - that they feel a deep connection with us, are putting up walls or scared of their feelings or being vulnerable and must deep down want more.

And sometimes they do but most times they don't. And that's why a lot of women get into affairs or thinking they're in a 'situationship' with a man that really isn't all that interested in them. Which can last years and usually the woman is the one who is deeply hurt.

You both acted unprofessionally and both acted badly. If you can work together going forward will depend on you forming some boundaries.

I once fell for a bloke at work. We saw each other a few times but circumstances meant he didn't want to take it further.

I had really fallen for him and then, after being rejected, had to sit NEXT to him for a couple of years at work. It was very hard and painful but I managed.

I can laugh looking back on it now!

@HumanLeague i know you are right it’s just hard. And yep focus on the negatives of this, have to keep telling myself he doesn’t want me so I don’t want him. I’m better than this.

@HumanLeague

So, feelings caused by hormones aren't 'real' feelings, and shouldn't be treated as such?

Call it hormones, call it heart, it's how OP feels, and that's what she needs to deal with. She's specifically said she doesn't want to leave her job, and your advice is actively dismissing that.

@Justkeepcalm

If you take care of yourself and respect your feelings, rather than dismissing them as 'hormones' or following any other, similarly naive, advice, your feelings will be soothed in time. You can't make yourself feel/stop feeling something at will; if we could do that, there'd be no such thing as heartbreak, grief, sadness, anxiety, depression etc, because we'd all simply choose not to feel them. All you can do is treat yourself as kindly as possible, so that the hurt part of you knows that at least you are on it's side. It will calm down soonest, in those circumstances.

How about sending him a message to say you don't want to be in touch for a while? You could say something like you want to maintain professional boundaries, rather than messaging him anything about your feelings?

@LightSpeeds how did you get through it? Glad you can laugh about it now.

@Watchkeys i don’t want him to know I have feelings and if I say that he’ll know so i guess I’m just trying to find ways of ignoring him without making it obvious. I was actually back in control of this until I caved and now back to square one.

It doesn't work like this. You can't tell yourself things to shut your feelings up. And none of this is a reflection on or judgement of you, and what you're 'better than'.

Have a think about rejection when you were a kid. It's likely you had a parent who did things that made you feel rejected. Often happens with loving parents, not just neglectful ones. It might have been that they were working hard, or looking after a demanding sibling, or ill. But somewhere along the line, you've been conditioned to 'keep trying', and eventually, you get a dose of love which satisfies you.

It sounds like you’re in a fragile place generally OP. Be kind to yourself. I don’t know a soul who hasn’t shagged someone from work/someone they shouldn’t have/misrepresented themselves. Everyone does it. Take a deep breath and let go of the guilt and worry.

Telling him you want to stick to professional boundaries from now on doesn't reveal any of your feelings. It would be something that could equally come from someone dying of heartbreak, or someone sick to death of some pest of a person bothering them with messages. You can create a professional boundary by demonstrating it. You don't have to say 'I'm gutted about what happened, so I need to keep my distance or you'll just keep hurting me'. You can just say 'Personal messages are no longer appropriate, so unless you have a professional communication, I would like us to stop messaging.'

@Watchkeys yes I know why I’m like it. I need to work on my self worth tbh.

@goldsocks thanks :)

To be honest you both sound quite unprofessional, work place relationships/ non relationships are difficult for both parties and everyone else can suffer as a consequence
he’s made it quite clear you are not of interest beyond a quick fling so I think you need to look elsewhere for both a job and a different man , I know you say you love the job but it’s going to be awkward for you from now on so better to have a clean sweep and find another job now rather than letting the situation fester

I have been in the same situation.
May I message you for a chat x

I mean… it’s a self-made mess. You were spending time with him and developing feelings yet you told him you just wanted FWB..?

Do what @itistooeasy has said - no, don’t gradually wean yourself off by keeping replies short etc 🙄

And don’t look for FWB in a workplace you love.