FWB but at work help

[Justkeepcalm]

I’ve got myself into a right mess and need some advice here.

Someone at work started showing an interest in me. It was very intense to start with, texting, calling, having lunch etc. we went out but nothing happened. We didn’t sleep together for a number of months and tbh the communication had got less. but the first time I told him I only wanted FWB (I put my barriers up to stop myself getting hurt) but he seemed a bit taken aback when I said it, like he wasn’t expecting it and went really quiet on me for a week. So in my head thought maybe he does want more, tried to claw this back but I think at that point he’d put me in the Fwb category as shut me down. Because I’d let my barriers down, this also really hurt and I knew deep down I shouldn’t carry on but couldn’t let go. Found out he was seeing someone but he’d still ask when I was available etc. he told me they aren’t getting on at the moment. went round (stupidly) and now I feel really low because I know he doesn’t see me that way even though he’s said maybe we could go out sometime. he did also say a while ago he didn’t want to hurt me and we can stop but I said it was fine like an idiot.

If I didn’t work with him I’d go NC but it’s so hard at work, how the hell do you do NC at work? How do you stop the feelings. I just want to switch them off. Anyone been here.

also don’t want to leave, love working there, best job I’ve ever had. And why should I leave a job I love over a man.

@ScoyhishAnom8019 yes please do

@Howdoesitworkagain i didn’t go looking just for the record. I just fell for it

Are you and him the same level at work or is one of you a boss / management ?

How did it start x

I think you have two options here. Both start with you taking the FWB arrangement off the table.

You can either tell him that you want to start looking for a more committed relationship with someone new and you don’t your arrangement with him to complicate things.

Or you can tell him that you are developing feelings for him and the FWB arrangement just doesn’t work for you anymore. If he wants to, you are open to start dating exclusively but if he wants something ‘without strings’ then you have to call it quits.

This is an incredibly vulnerable thing to do but if you like him enough it is worth putting yourself out there. Prepare yourself for the possibility that he might reject you, it will sting but you will get over it in time. At least you can actually start to move on and aren’t just holding on to the possibility of a relationship that doesn’t exist.

Somehow, I found the strength to endure it (well, I didn't have a lot of choice). It was very difficult, initially. There were feelings of rejection and embarrassment, too.

I agree with what warriorworrier says. Practical. Sensible.

And if you don't say this you'll never worry about a 'if only I'd told him, what could have been' moment.

Nope.

Just that often, we need to accept rejection for what it is.

That person doesn't want you.

It's something that seems to be accepted for women in thinking about men but not so much with men thinking about women.

As a woman born in the 70s and early dating in the 90s. I thought I was the prize. Girl power said we were in control and men were a bit desperate sexually and should always be the instigator expressing interest and asking girls and women out.

And we could and did, reject them because they weren't living up to all of our ideals.

I feel horrible now how rude I was to men approaching me in pubs and clubs that i thought weren't fulfilling my ideal of a partner or just as a feminist in those days, I didn't think I should be bothered on my night out.

I welcomed being bothered on my night out by men i was attracted to, but really pissed off by the creepy ones I wasn't attracted to.

And to be honest, that's why I was an asshole to men for years.

I believed (hoped) it was the ones i wanted (the ones that had rejected me) being afraid of their feelings, because that's what society tells us about men at least in the UK - they're scared of being vulnerable, they're scared of expressing their feelings, they like to 'chase' and don't like to be pursued.

I was a bit of a twat. As many people are.

I wanted a challenge and then when they wanted me, I wasn't all that interested anymore. When I was rejected i was a 'pick me' and wanted to win and when I did, i'd lose interest very quickly.

Most people like attention.
Most people like other people to think they're attractive.
Most people don't like being rejected.
Most people like to be loved.
Most people like to win. To be best. First choice.

I have had successful long-term relationships with people who simply liked me as much as I liked them.

That's the key.

Everybody needs to get a grip and think not liking rejection or wanting to 'win' the heart of someone is some kind of childhood wound that their parents inflicted on them.

It isn't. Grow up and stop blaming your parents on your inability to figure out that people who want to be in a relationship with you will. And the ones that don't won't.

You can't keep blaming Mummy and Daddy if you can't understand boundaries and ass around in non-relationships that you know are causing you pain.

so you’re going to continue communicating him despite the most obvious solution to be to keep head down, acknowledge with a simply a nod or similar of you bump in to him and ignore all messages, because yes initially brief in the hope he gets the point and stops engaging.

”in the hope he continues to message me and wants to see me” more like

@itistooeasy i can’t just ignore because like most people in the business they message, say hello, how are you as a first message if it is to do with work or not. If it isn’t I shall just say I’m busy rather than ignore. Because ignoring makes a big deal out of it when I don’t need to I just need to not get sucked in. Eventually he will not bother because I won’t be all flirty and talkative like before so will
only message or call to ask about work. As much as I get what you are saying I do work with him and therefore I want this to be more of natural decline than a full on cut off due to not wanting to feel awkward. Have you ever been in a situation like this at work because if you have not. You will not realise how hard it is to just cut contact.

you don’t say hello
you don’t ask how you are
you do not ask or answer a single question that is not directly related to work

needless to say… you won’t do any of the above. guaranteed. You are gunning for contact and for this to continue, and it is very transparent

@Justkeepcalm

You are insisting that someone doesn't know how hard it is because you don't want to accept that you can simply state to this guy that you don't want to chat with him anymore. Many people have done it. It's not some vast, unattainably difficult task. It's a one line text, which you could send within the next 5 minutes.

I'm not saying it isn't hard, I'm saying that when someone suggests you could take control of the situation, taking them out at the knees shows your own unwillingness, rather than their lack of understanding.

This is your situation, not his, not 'work's. You have to do what you need to do, for you, and barely anybody will even notice, if you do it with grace and dignity. Send him a message and say that you no longer feel that personal messaging is appropriate, so let's keep things professional from now on. It doesn't reveal your feelings, it gets you what you want, it doesn't take long.

@itistooeasy you don’t say hello
you don’t ask how you are
you do not ask or answer a single question that is not directly related to work

this is exactly what I’ll be doing thank you

@Watchkeys in hindsight it is easy but also makes things awkward and I don’t like awkwardness either. People at my work aren’t just professional, everyone chats like friends and makes effort with each other. People will find it strange if we don’t chat like that so no it isn’t easy. I just need to cut it off in my own time. Get over it and then go back to chatting like everyone else. Everyone is right but I also do not want the awkwardness and people asking if we’ve had spat as we don’t really talk anymore which they probably will and that will make me feel worse tbh.

I actually think it would be best to do what @Warriorworrier suggested and just take Fwb off the table and say I don’t want it. Then the contact should reduce massively but doesn’t make a big deal out of it. I’m trying to find a best case scenario here. It’s my own fault and I will get over it eventually.

I also do not want the awkwardness and people asking if we’ve had spat as we don’t really talk anymore which they probably will

Again, you don't have to be at the mercy of other people's decisions. If they ask you questions, deflect. 'Did you and Paul fall out?', 'No, not really. How was your weekend?' etc. It seems like everyone else is in charge of what happens next, and all their decisions will affect you in ways you don't want, and so the only solution you can manage is to do literally as little as possible, quiet as a mouse, until it all goes away.

@Watchkeys unfortunately I am someone who cares what others think. Another thing I need to work on with myself.

but not his partner presumably

@itistooeasy he doesn’t have a partner. He’s single but seeing someone. They are free to see others if they wish. Not sure when you were single last but I can be seeing a few people at the same time to see which one I like the most. I don’t do people with girlfriend that but thanks for assuming.

sure op

“he’s single but seeing someone”

who is more than just FWB to him

@itistooeasy you are making assumptions before knowing the whole story. Just for the record, he wasn’t seeing anyone (as far as I know) when we started talking. He may have been seeing when we first slept together but didn’t mention it until later when he said he was seeing someone but hardly sees her as she’s too busy. Yes he may have wanted more with her but they weren’t official and when people aren’t official it’s fair game in my opinion. I’m just the idiot for carrying it on instead of cutting it loose. I came on here for support not judgement. I agree with your no contact and how to deal with it at work. Which I will in time but as for the rest of your comments, there’s no need.

ok op

either way…. sounds like he will pick you up again, you won’t go NC, he will drop you whenever the person he’s seeing wants to make it official

have some self respect for yourself

and if this is the best job you’ve had, don’t screw it up for a FWB

@itistooeasy agree and I’m going to tell him I no longer want fwb which is a big thing as it’s likely to mean he won’t contact me anymore but I know it’s the right thing to do.

also whilst seeing this girl also told me he needed to get a girlfriend so what does that say!

🤷

@itistooeasy it means he wasn’t that interested in her and was keeping his options open. Not for me obvs but im just making the point, I shouldn’t be made to feel bad about sleeping with someone who is only seeing someone and not exclusive

well he wanted her but she didn’t want him as a partner by the sounds of it

but I think he did want things to go that way with her but they haven’t