Does your husband tell you when meeting a friend during the day?

[WorldofAngels]

If your husband is meeting a friend for lunch or coffee during the working day, would you expect him to tell you?

And what about if it’s after work, but he just comes home late from work so you assume he’s been working late in the office?

No question of an inappropriate relationship. It’s just the not sharing that has thrown me off, and potentially lying by omission for the latter scenario.

So it is a female friend then (that your DH is not telling you about meeting?)

Shocker.

During the day, I would probably mention it because why not? It’s something different that happened that day. But I cant see a major issue either way here (bar maybe the consequence, eg having to stay at work longer)

In the evening, I’d actually expect my partner to let me know because it impacts me too. Esp if you have children, the assumption that you can just ‘stay an hour or two’ longer at work or have a meet up whilst expecting your DP to hold the fort is crap to say the least.
I have many memories if my dad doing just that. And us waiting and waiting for him to be back home so we could eat. My mum ringing asking what the heck he was doing etc… and my dad was working. If my dh had done that to meet up with a friend whilst letting me think he was working, I’d be really angry about it indeed.

My experience is that people who do that (men?) tend to do so because they dont want to have to face a conversation where their DP will voice their needs and they’ll have to take them into account. They want theur ‘freedom’ and not y to be held accountable (aka they are a partner agd/or a father with responsibilities. Not a single man who can do as they please)
@WorldofAngels you’ll know if your dh is in that category or not.

Probably not 🤷‍♀️

During the day no. But of meeting someone that's going to mean later than usual back home then yes. I'd expect a 'I'm having a drink with John should be home by 9' type thing. And of dinner out I'd expect more than a day or two warning so as not to plan to cook anything

It would likely come up in conversation either before or after the fact, but I wouldn't expect an announcement.

It might be that they are just friends.

BUT it does add another layer to not saying anything in the top of the disrespect of not letting you know they’ll be late.

It’s the element of ‘I want to do whatever I want Wo @WorldofAngels telling me I can’t’. (Because you stating your needs - such as I need to know at what time you’ll be back or I need you to be back earlier because I’m knackered(/dc is ill/i need to do X and Y - will be seen as you stopping him from doing what he wants etc… not as the fact you are two people part a team, your family, and therefore he should take into account too)

It’s putting that woman (and himself) before you. And that’s a massive issue. Regardless of whether they are just friends or not.

No I don’t expect him to tell me if he meets a friend for coffee/lunch the same way he doesn’t expect me to tell him everything I do.

we may discuss it later - no issue with that.

During the day - no, and me neither. I wouldn't call/text him to say where am I going for lunch and with whom. In the evening - yes, and I would inform him as well, because that would affect who and when is walking the dog, who is taking the bins out, who parks where etc.

This, exactly. He'd tell me because we talk about our days over dinner. Or sometimes it comes up a couple of days later like "Oh I forgot to tell you, I had lunch with Jackie last week at that new sandwich place. Great catchup, mediocre sandwiches".

If he didn't tell me, I wouldn't think it was weird if it was in the day.

Men generally don't have the same conversational needs and desires as women. What we like to natter about they do not care about. So although you may think you'd tell him you are meeting someone it wouldn't necessarily cross his mind to tell you.
When I go to the office and meet people for lunch I don't tell my partner beforehand. I might mention it after if I've got something of interest (well interesting in my opinion!) to tell him but otherwise wouldn't mention it. If I go out after work, if it's planned I'll tell DP in the morning that is happening and if it isn't planned will message him. Only so that he knows not to worry that I'm late home. He doesn't care who I am with though.
Every relationship is different though, so what is normal for you and your partner may not be for others.

To your title question, and the questions in the OP, I'd say 'no' - except if he were going to be later home than normal, in which case he'd say, although the time he gets home varies, so he could go for a drink after work and still be home within 'normal time range'.

Adding The second one was last night, where after I asked him who he went for drinks with, he told me it was just colleagues. 5 minutes later he admitted that was a lie and it was another female friend. Again, someone who I’ve never had an issue with. He says he doesn’t know why he lied but he did admit to it right away as it was a pointless lie makes it into an entirely different question.

You are now asking "Does your dh lie about who he sees, and is he evasive about who he might meet for a drink?"

The answer, for me, is still 'no'.

I can’t imagine it not coming up in conversation as I usually ask what how his day has been and he’d tell me he’d met up with someone. If it was planned in advanced he’d probably let me know, but I don’t think he’d feel like he needs to tell me.

He says he doesn’t know why he lied but he did admit to it right away as it was a pointless lie

Sounds like he's scared you'd be upset/jealous.

When we worked we'd only mention lunchtime meetings if we thought it would be of interest.

After work would be at least a call to say you might be late.

I agree with this.
I think you are being too trusting.
He is being deliberately secretive about meeting these women.

Ah so it's a woman / women. That makes much more sense.

Yes agree with others who say the doubts are probably valid then. Which you obviously already know by posting on here.

Of course.

And I wouldn't mention it to him unless there was something specific of interest in connection with the lunch or a piece of gossip they told me haha

*of course not

Yes, we'd both tell each other. Not because either of us is controlling or thinks we have a right to know, but because we're interested in each other. Arranging to have lunch with someone or to have drinks after work then not mentioning it seems odd. Fair enough if you occasionally forget to say because life's busy, but routinely not mentioning such arrangements feels like witholding. And routinely not mentioning a particualar person (but mentioning everyone else) would be downright suspicious.

Exception for me would be if someone I work with and I decide to grab a quick lunch to continue a meeting or to share our lunch break - it's not really news as he knows I see that person every day so I might not think to mention it.

My husband would tell me. "Going for a drink with so and so after work, won't be home late"
Sort of thing!
If he went for lunch maybe not but his job is too busy to have a bunch break most days

Lunchtime, he will usually mention it after work as part of daily chat. If going out after he will let me know beforehand out of courtesy. He can go out every day if he likes!

Most of my friends are male so this would not be suspicious but I would never lie about it. I've arranged to meet a couple of them in the pub this evening, for example, and haven't told my DP, as he's out doing other things anyway. But if he asks I'll tell him who I was with, where, what was said, etc, just to chat about my day. There shouldn't be anything secretive about it.

It's all.context. if I am working.from.home and dh is here and I rush out the door to meet a friend, male or female , I would say, "off to meet dave" as I did. I might not tell him in advance if we aren't together. I would.most likely tell him after in a general way while catching up on the day.

I would never not clarify that I am out vs working late. That's just rude.

And vice versa.

It does sound like it’s about different expectations. I’ve never really expected details about everything which might be why he’s never felt he’s needed to tell me about any lunch or evening meet ups. So perhaps I am overthinking it in that sense.

It’s the lying last night that’s thrown me off - as in why lie. He has no reason to worry about my reaction so I don’t understand why he had to hide it. He claimed it’s because I react badly to him meeting another friend so he’s put all female friends in that category but that’s not fair - the friend in question is someone he was in an on off relationship with, who he prioritised in our early relationship and who told him she loves him after we were engaged…so I have a legitimate reason for being uncomfortable about her, but I don’t feel the same about his other female friends and he knows it.

It’s just strange, and I don’t understand it. I suspect I am making a mountain out of a molehill as he lied then admitted 5 minutes later, but it’s still left me feeling uncomfortable.

Well I'm not surprised you are uncomfortable.

You said the one female friend you had a problem with in the past was one he had been in a relationship with. So you were justified in being concerned about him continuing a friendship with her. And he must have realised why you were concerned. But now he is using this as an excuse to not be honest about his current female friends. He is turning the lying into your fault not his.

Even if this was a lie which he admitted to almost immediately it shows he resorts to lying at times. Perhaps he has lied in the past and the lie has not been admitted to. Lying in a relationship is a real breach of trust.

I feel he is also conditioning you not to ask any questions about where he goes and what he does. He is making you appear to be unreasonable in showing normal interest in his day to day life.

I honestly think you should be having serious discussions with him about the lying. And what his relationship with these women actually is if he needs to be so secretive about them. You are his wife and yours should be his primary relationship. So he should be open with you and he should reassure you.

I wouldn't allow my DP to assume I'd been working late when I was really meeting a male friend. I wouldn't tell my DP I had to go to a work meeting if I was really meeting a male friend. I wouldn't tell my DP I'd been out in a group of colleagues when I'd really been out with just the one male friend. If I ever felt the need to do any of these things it would either be because I was frightened of my partner because he was overly controlling about my innocent friendships, or because I felt guilty because I knew i was crossing the boundaries in my marriage. Do either of those possibilities seem likely?