Does your husband tell you when meeting a friend during the day?

[WorldofAngels]

If your husband is meeting a friend for lunch or coffee during the working day, would you expect him to tell you?

And what about if it’s after work, but he just comes home late from work so you assume he’s been working late in the office?

No question of an inappropriate relationship. It’s just the not sharing that has thrown me off, and potentially lying by omission for the latter scenario.

I wouldn't expect to know about the lunch/coffee, although if there was a "how was your day?" conversation it might feel a bit secretive not to mention it.

I would expect to know if he was going out after work, rather than letting me think he was working late.

We talk about our days each day so it would be a deliberate choice to not mention it, which I would question. Casual ad hoc lunch with colleagues might slip his mind if we don't explicitly talk about lunch, but a planned meet with a friend I'd expected to be a highlight of his day and thus it would be weird not to mention it.

For the after work example, he'd always have asked in advance for a planned meet up or he'd be very apologetic and ask if it was OK if an ad hoc chance came up. He'd never just stay late without telling me and pretend he'd worked late. I'm a SAHP and he knows springing an extra few hours childcare on me without warning is an arsehole move if he did it frequently.

Over lunch, not necessarily. After work, yes.

I sometimes meet up with a friend for a coffee over lunchtime when I work from home. I may or may not mention it - wouldn’t hide it, but might not come up in conversation.

My ex did this but he was a very secretive person.

At lunchtime, it would probably come up in conversation but not necessarily. I know two of his friends work quite near him, so they do sometimes meet up. I assume he sometimes doesn't mention it, sometimes he does. I don't suppose I always mention if I meet up with a friend.

After work, yes I would expect him to say if he was going to the pub rather than working late, as that would leave me doing dinner and bedtime on my own. It would be dishonest to let me think he was busy at work when he was actually out having fun.

After work yes but usually it's to check that it's not an issue with childcare pick up etc and is more leaving drinks or x has suggested a drink on x day if that's OK. I do the same in advance it's just common courtesy.

Lunchtime just depends. We would each mention to each other if both wfh as its a bit odd just walking out the door but wouldn't if we were in the office. Might say afterwards in passing about our days but I wouldn't be suspicious if he didn't mention it and vice versa.

If it’s relevant, like if it came up in conversation, ‘oh, I saw Matt today and he said Elsie is already walking at 9 months’ or ‘I need to go get that mower ready because I’m going to drop it off at Dan’s later because his broke’. Sometimes one of his friends stops to see him if he has a job nearby and they’ll go get lunch (both self employed). But Dh works from home, so it would be a bit more obvious if he just disappeared.

Same for me as I also mostly work from home. But if I was in the office, honestly, I’m not sure I’d mention meeting a friend during the day unless it related to the conversation we were having.

Both of us would definitely discuss plans for meeting anyone evenings and weekends though, as we’re both quite busy and need to coordinate childcare carefully. I often need to be places at specific times so Dh being home to take over with kids is critical, so he’d never just bunk off to see a friend without discussing it. Nor would I.

Male or female?

"I'll be late back on Tuesday as have planned to meet Jim". I would of thought would be the expected level of communication. So yes, that he hasn't mentioned it is odd. If the friend is female, even more suss.
It's not controlling to think your DH would mention it. Let's say its totally innocent, in that case one would bring it up as something to chat about, if not then there's a strange low exchange of communication between you. It might work for some introverted, ND relationships. But if we assume you are both NT, then yes it's very odd not to mention it via general chit chat that NT people do a lot of, see as a normal part of life, and life would be dull between you without it. How did you find out?

Thanks everyone. It’s been helpful for me to put things in perspective.

Lunches with colleagues, clients, network people, etc, I wouldn’t expect me to told of, as it’s all part of work. It’s more arranging with a friend that I assumed he would share with me when he tells me about his day and he didn’t.

In terms of how I found out. The first one, he was working from home and then suddenly had to rush to a work meeting. Didn’t think anything of it until a message popped up on his iPad saying it was lovely to see him, etc. I never questioned his relationship with her so I never understood why he never told me he was meeting her, but I never mentioned it at the time.

The second one was last night, where after I asked him who he went for drinks with, he told me it was just colleagues. 5 minutes later he admitted that was a lie and it was another female friend. Again, someone who I’ve never had an issue with. He says he doesn’t know why he lied but he did admit to it right away as it was a pointless lie. It was then I raised the first time that I knew about.

I have no doubts whatever over his friendships with these women. I still don’t. Apart from one female friend who there were some issues with, I can hand on heart say I have no issue with him meeting female friends. But it’s the keeping it quiet that’s thrown me off. Whilst we were talking about it he said he’s never realised he should share who he’s meeting during the day which made me wonder if it’s normal to tell your partner when you’re meeting a friend or if I’m being nosy. So it’s been interesting to see that some people see it as a normal part of talking about your day (like I would) whilst others don’t feel the need (which I guess he seems to be in).

Yes but you're asking the wrong question. Some people on here will have the sort of relationship you describe, where they mention it. Other people will have the sort of relationship where it isn't always mentioned.
What you need to look at is if his behaviour is out of the ordinary. If he always tells you if he has met a friend, but he has not in this case, but you know he has met someone, then that is cause for concern (because he is behaving out of character).

Good point. Except him saying he never realised he should share that information makes it hard to know if it’s out of the ordinary or he’s always been like that and I’ve had no idea.

Sometimes we do tell each other about this in advance if it comes up. Sometimes there just isn't a chance to mention it, especially if arranged last minute. But, every day we speak to each other in the evening and usually talk about our day and it probably would come up then. If he didn't mention it, i wouldn't think anything of it, other than he forgot or we were talking about something else and just didn't get around to it. We never tell each other when we will be home as we don't always know when that will be, but if he was much later than usual he'd probably say why.

We would always mention if we had done something out of the ordinary during our day. The fact that he has lied twice (that you know of, it could be way more times) should tell you all you need to know.

Yes I would expect DH to share. We both leave work at a consistent time, so would say in advance if we expect to be late and why. It would come up in conversation if either of us met someone for lunch. Most of my work day is quite boring so this would count as news to share!

I sometimes don't tell DH my parents have come round. He gets a bit irritated that he feels we see them loads. (Roughly twice a month but varies, I don't think it's excessive!) So sometimes I wait to see if the kids mention it.

It sounds kind of odd to me that he would say he never realised he 'should' share who he's meeting with. It sounds like a kind of dig at you, but maybe I'm wrong. I also find it odd that these sort of things don't crop up in everyday conversation with you. E.g.' by the way, I saw X today, she's ... been promoted/got a new boyfriend/very well, sends her love...'. That sort of conversation is normal, isn't it? At least in my relationship it is.
Do you spend much time together talking in the evening?

Yes and I would tell DH too. It wouldn’t occur to us to keep it a secret?

For a lunch meeting, he wouldn't tell me at the time, but it would likely come up during the course of chatting about our day. He wouldn't stay out after work without telling me though, that's just courtesy.

However, what other people's husbands would or wouldn't do isn't relevant. I have friends who run it much more chill than I do and wouldn't be arsed if their husband came home late without a heads up, and their relationships are very happy. Just different to mine.

What you need to be considering is if this is outside of his usual behaviour pattern. If so, ask yourself what's different, why he didn't tell you about this specific lunch if he normally would have.

Drip feed. We all guessed it was another woman, or in this case, women. He's being a bit shady if you ask me. I'd be keeping a close eye on him, as you already are, with those messages popping up on his phone/computer.

Depends, if it was something special yes, or maybe mention in passing, but had a coffee with x or lunch with y as part of the working day, nah, not interested and I’d not tell him either.

Yes of course he tells me.

Is your husband's friend a woman @WorldofAngels ???

Didn’t mean to drip feed. I guess I didn’t want to focus on the friends being female because I don’t doubt they are just friends. Or for the events of last night to take precedence. It was more the not sharing element that I was thinking about.

I think you should have doubts, sorry.

Whether there's anything going on or he'd like there to be, he's secretly seeing women that aren't work related, during the working day.

For meetings during the working day... no, it wouldn't occur to me to mention that I had arranged to meet a friend for lunch or something. And I'm not really interested in knowing all of DH's plans either. Of course, it might come up in general conversation..."guess what, I met x for lunch today and she was telling me about y etc". Or "I met z for a coffee earlier and he said hello". But never just reporting the fact that I met x for lunch or that I am going to meet x for lunch etc. Why would he care?!

We have never been the type of couple to give each other blow by blow accounts of the day, though. We talk about the wins and the challenges, and about some of the minor frustrations etc, but not about the minutiae of what we do each day. I wouldn't find it very interesting hearing all about the details of his calendar, and I don't think he would want to know about mine!

Meeting people for social stuff after work is totally different though, and we would definitely give each other the heads if we were going to be home later than usual/eating out for dinner etc. But that's just about basic logistics rather than reporting on who we are meeting!

Yes I would do, not least because if I’m going for lunch he likes to look at the menu!

im generally looking forward to lunch or a brew so I’ll say oh I’m going for lunch with x and y on whatever date and he will be pleased to hear it.