Really need some support.. 😥I feel so bad

[Pinkflowersxo]

To have some context this is a thread I made about the abuse I experienced in my relationship.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5108086-am-i-bad-for-pressing-charges-on-my-abuser-childs-father

If anyone doesn’t want to read it my ex strangled me 4 years ago I front of our 2 year old , he was very violent in the relationship which ended in February this year. The last violent episode was last July. / June 2023 where he smashed up my bedroom and hurt me & also uploaded a video of us having sex without my face in it to fabswingers.com without my permission. I truly believe the only reason there was no violence in the last year was because we stopped living together.

I have now since coming out of the relationship felt like it’s time to report what happened to me. My ex beat me up in front of our two children who were 3&4.5 at the time. I realise since coming out of the relationship how bad it was and that if something should happen to me I need to tell the truth so that it’s on record and my ex will not be able to have full custody of the children. The thought of this made me sick.

I have reported him , he’s been arrested and breached his bail my contacting me he called me 70 times from no caller Id and started sending emails. I told the police who are still out to arrest him to remand him until court.

I want to start by saying I am not going to retract my statement and I am going to stand strong. I’m just looking for reassurance that what I’m doing is right as I feel my ex is manipulating me.
some of what he was saying :

he is saying that just before I called the police to report from the 5 months we split up he realised a lot and was planning to do all the things I was asking for in the relationship such as anger management , stopping drug dealing , getting a proper job again ; he swears he was planning to do this anyway then he got a knock at the door to be arrested. I want to add he has told me he will stop all this so many times but never did.

i felt like I was believing him because he was apparently taking full ownership he told me he was controlling because he was jealous of me his head was lost and he put his own selfish needs first.. again I have heard this before but not to this degree.

however he then went onto saying the last “bad” abuse was 2022 and it was a long time ago. Yes in the last year there was only 1 case of violence and him uploading my videos. The rest was cheating and controlling me.

he has gone on to say he wants to go on the run and will do all the courses and counselling that I need and will prove to me that he can be a changed man with his actions.

i told him there is no way and if he was really sorry for what he’s done to me he would do his time and take any rehabilitation they can offer him in there.

he went on to saying that people who know my family / friendsin jail would beat him up if he’s to go there. He said he would never put me in jail no matter what I did. He asked me if I would say anything to help him get less of a sentence. So that he can get out and be a dad and prove himself to me and our children. I said I will not lie. I gave my statement and it was the truth it all happened.

he said he doesn’t know if he can rehabilitate in jail because he will be around bad people and if I want to have the best chance of our family being together again jail is not the answer. .

i told him this is the consequences of his actions and he’s had 9 years of abusing me and treating me horribly and never off his own back did he get help. Now he’s telling me he was just about to do all this before he got arrested.

I have already told the police of what he said.

I am just looking for support please. I feel so much. Guilt because I still love him so much. I couldn’t retract my statement because it’s the truth and I believe that he needs to change to be worthy of being a dad to our children. I feel like I made a mistake by reporting him because he was just about to change . What if 5 months away from his family really did push that change. Then I think to myself surely if you are wanting to change you’d take the charges and do your time and own up.

he went no comment in his interview and went on the run and has been hounding me ever since despite his bail conditions.

i just want to know I’ve done the right thing ! I know people can change but he’s had 9 years and done horrible things to me infront of our kids and never once got help off his own back always refused counselling. Only now he says he was going to do it. He says he loves me so much and just wanted to do all the right things and this is going to take years away from our kids lives now.

just looking for support please I feel like the worst person in the world 💔

You are an amazing woman and mother to do this for your daughters.
Hold hour head up, they have one decent parent.
He is his mothers son.
Both liars.

His sole concern is avoiding the consequences of his actions.
I will pray for you and hour precious girls that you remain strong.
Keep posting and re-reading the words of support when you have moments of doubt.

You are amazing and you have got this.

You said you spoke to him for an hour. Just block everytime. To do anything else is giving him ammunition. Trauma bonding is where you're at.

I spoke to him for an hour after him calling me 70
times off withheld which still allows you to call even if you do block. He handed himself in this morning. I agree with being trauma bonded right now.

he is manipulating you, do not listen to anything he says!!!
is it possible you go no contact with him?

OMG he handed himself in?

About time!

Yes this morning. Which has filled me with so much guilt and shame with thoughts of maybe he had changed after all. 😢💔 I know I need some type of counselling as my thought process is clearly not normal. I feel so much sadness as if I jumped the gun. I am going to call women’s aid today to see if there is anyone i can speak To x

He hasn't changed.

He's cynically hoping for a lesser sentence because he caused slightly less trouble to the police by handing himself in.

And STOP feeling sorry for this lowlife. He attempted to murder you in front of your children.

Please, please don't be one of these women who visits him in prison and then takes him back! He'll finish the job next time.

I'm quite sure that there were countless assaults committed by him against you. And I'm certain that he terrorised the children, too.

They're going to need so much support. Poor little things. Start feeling sorry for them, not your abuser.

He's handed himself in so he gets a lesser sentence.

No he hasn't changed, this is all about him wanting you to drop the charges so he doesn't have to risk going to prison.

@Pinkflowersxo you did the right thing. Don’t let him in your head. He has had every chance from you. This is all on him.

Thank you I will not visit him in jail. Someone in here mentioned what a horrible example that would set for my daughters if I were to ever take him back and I know I did this for my daughters. To safeguard them. It’s only since having contact with him again for the first time in 5 months where emotionally I lost it. There were countless assaukra against me yes. Thank you for talking the truth and reminding me yes I agree he just wants a lesser sentance I need to remember that yesterday he guilt me into telling me how bad prison will be for him and how he wants to go on the run and will I say anything to help him get less time to which I said no I will not. I cannot put my girls at risk and let him go free with nothing on record just because he says with his words that he’s sorry. these are the things I need to remember. Thank you x

Thank you I now realise this. You honestly have no idea how much these messages help to bring me back to reality. Yesterday he was begging me to give him another chance if he goes on the run. Asking me if I will say anything to help him get less time. Saying how sorry he is and I’ll see the actions and change if I let him go free , I realise now he just doesn’t want to go to jail and hoped I would retract. I think he also knows he’s got no choice but to hand himself in

Thank you so much I think I am feeling a little better and less frantic now. I would never have retracted my statement and told him this. However he was just the emotions I was feeling once I heard he had turned himself in. I just need to remember that he was begging me to not let him go to jail for his and how sorry he was and how the abuse happened years ago now (some of it was last year). He was telling me how scared be is that ge has to go to jail and he will get beat up in there and they will add his drug charge that was pending onto it and he will get much longer away from our children. I realise now that he’s not really facing the reality of the consequences of his actions because if he was he would never have said any of that and just gone guilty in the first place. I guess once again he’s displaying he thinks he shouldn’t have to pay the consequences of his bad actions x

Stay strong. You're the best person in the world for your child. XX

@Pinkflowersxo

My violent ex-husband denies to this day that he ever hit me.

He says things like I exaggerated, I bruised easily, I told lies in court.

I know this because my son, who is now 38, went out for dinner with his dad. My son was disgusted and walked out.

Our daughter, who is 40, refuses to see her father.

We were divorced in 1990.

Please stay safe, don't let him talk you round, and try to imagine what you'd say to your daughters if they were in your position.

As I told you in an earlier post, my ex persuaded me to let him back in the house to get some stuff.

He then subjected me to a serious sexual assault. Thank goodness the children were at school.

Again, I've not read much in here but I feel a sense of urgency here. I hope that if you try to retract your statement the police will see through your fear and the reasons behind it, and show you that if you co-operate you will get their full support. I'm sure the majority of police officers and supporting people do not want to pick up the pieces after things have gone wrong. You have been conditioned to stay quiet, conditioned that you're wrong and conditioned that the support services won't help you. You have posted in here, so you KNOW that's all wrong. I really hope you have some professional support right now.And believe you can get through this.I'm gonna go catch up on the thread now.

He absolutely only handed himself in to mitigate his sentence.

Ironic how scared HE is of being beaten up in prison, yet he's fine dishing it out to a much smaller and physically weaker person - YOU.

I also have no doubts that he would hurt his own children if they annoyed him. His type do. As long as they can't hurt him back he'll hurt you and them, and his mum. All weaker than him, all easy to intimidate and bully.

What.A.Snivelling.COWARD.

Wow what a horrible horrible man . I am so sorry that you went through this ! I will never take him back. Thank you 🤍

Thank you so much it’s funny because I never thought about it this way until you said it. I spent so many years being scared. I was feeling so sorry for him yesterday when he told me how scared he was and all that will happen to him if he’s to go to jail. I will never take him back. I feel much stronger today. Thank you x

Just updating everyone. Today he was put on remand. He will be In jail until August and will have court.! They said because of the seriousness of the offences he’ll be facing 6 charges , 4 counts of ABH , non fatal strangulation and criminal damage. They will also look to charge for the uploading of my intimate videos.

his mum called today (no caller id as she’s blocked) saying did you know he’s turned himself in the other day ? When did you last speak to him ? Have you heard from him since he turned himself in I said no and she said ok bye and hung up. Found it really odd that she’s asking me.

I am relived what he won’t be able to bother me and continue to manipulate me. However I feel really sad and guilty almost sorry for him. I will come back to your messages to remind myself of why I have done this. I know now my kids will never be placed with him for custody and the courts know the truth safeguarding my children for the future. With him being away it also gives me the opportunity to move on as he cannot bother me something that usually happens and I end up taking him back. I hope soon I will
overcome the guilt, I will look to do the freedom course with women’s aid and have a witness care supporter and an idva I will try to make use of.

thank you for your support x

It is very hard but you are amazing.
Those are very serious charges and the police are often accused of not doing enough charges wise.
This is so serious.
You have no need to be involved further with his mother, think only of yourself and your girls.
Post if and when you need us.
We are here for you.

I know you've felt bad about this Op but you've done a hard thing and stood by it, you've done the best possible thing for your future. I don't want to upset you but please keep in mind that when it comes to visitation with the DC abuse against you won't necessarily be seen as abuse to the DC. Don't dispose of anything that might be useful to you later on, any texts, phone recordings, e mails- basically anything which shows his guilt, especially if it shows the DC were there to witness it. He's had no pity for you, now it's time for you to do the same, you can protect your DC far more by hardening your heart and only worrying about how it will benefit you and them. He's made his own bed, let him lie in it

It must be difficult OP but you’re doing the right thing. This man is a danger to you, DC and women in general. If he is to ever change (he won’t) he needs to face and accept the consequences of his actions.

Do his family know where you live? Be extra vigilant for them trying to intimidate you.

There will have been an ulterior motive for that call. Maybe just checking the number is still in use. Or that you can still be persuaded to talk to her. He will maybe have asked her if the number still works as he’s tried calling and no pick up.

Best not to pick up any unknown number calls from now on. Let them ring to ansaphone. Genuine callers will leave messages. You could record a new message saying ‘please leave me a message as I am unable to pick up to unknown numbers at present’. This way any intimidation will be recorded.

None of this is your fault.
💐