Really need some support.. 😥I feel so bad

[Pinkflowersxo]

To have some context this is a thread I made about the abuse I experienced in my relationship.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5108086-am-i-bad-for-pressing-charges-on-my-abuser-childs-father

If anyone doesn’t want to read it my ex strangled me 4 years ago I front of our 2 year old , he was very violent in the relationship which ended in February this year. The last violent episode was last July. / June 2023 where he smashed up my bedroom and hurt me & also uploaded a video of us having sex without my face in it to fabswingers.com without my permission. I truly believe the only reason there was no violence in the last year was because we stopped living together.

I have now since coming out of the relationship felt like it’s time to report what happened to me. My ex beat me up in front of our two children who were 3&4.5 at the time. I realise since coming out of the relationship how bad it was and that if something should happen to me I need to tell the truth so that it’s on record and my ex will not be able to have full custody of the children. The thought of this made me sick.

I have reported him , he’s been arrested and breached his bail my contacting me he called me 70 times from no caller Id and started sending emails. I told the police who are still out to arrest him to remand him until court.

I want to start by saying I am not going to retract my statement and I am going to stand strong. I’m just looking for reassurance that what I’m doing is right as I feel my ex is manipulating me.
some of what he was saying :

he is saying that just before I called the police to report from the 5 months we split up he realised a lot and was planning to do all the things I was asking for in the relationship such as anger management , stopping drug dealing , getting a proper job again ; he swears he was planning to do this anyway then he got a knock at the door to be arrested. I want to add he has told me he will stop all this so many times but never did.

i felt like I was believing him because he was apparently taking full ownership he told me he was controlling because he was jealous of me his head was lost and he put his own selfish needs first.. again I have heard this before but not to this degree.

however he then went onto saying the last “bad” abuse was 2022 and it was a long time ago. Yes in the last year there was only 1 case of violence and him uploading my videos. The rest was cheating and controlling me.

he has gone on to say he wants to go on the run and will do all the courses and counselling that I need and will prove to me that he can be a changed man with his actions.

i told him there is no way and if he was really sorry for what he’s done to me he would do his time and take any rehabilitation they can offer him in there.

he went on to saying that people who know my family / friendsin jail would beat him up if he’s to go there. He said he would never put me in jail no matter what I did. He asked me if I would say anything to help him get less of a sentence. So that he can get out and be a dad and prove himself to me and our children. I said I will not lie. I gave my statement and it was the truth it all happened.

he said he doesn’t know if he can rehabilitate in jail because he will be around bad people and if I want to have the best chance of our family being together again jail is not the answer. .

i told him this is the consequences of his actions and he’s had 9 years of abusing me and treating me horribly and never off his own back did he get help. Now he’s telling me he was just about to do all this before he got arrested.

I have already told the police of what he said.

I am just looking for support please. I feel so much. Guilt because I still love him so much. I couldn’t retract my statement because it’s the truth and I believe that he needs to change to be worthy of being a dad to our children. I feel like I made a mistake by reporting him because he was just about to change . What if 5 months away from his family really did push that change. Then I think to myself surely if you are wanting to change you’d take the charges and do your time and own up.

he went no comment in his interview and went on the run and has been hounding me ever since despite his bail conditions.

i just want to know I’ve done the right thing ! I know people can change but he’s had 9 years and done horrible things to me infront of our kids and never once got help off his own back always refused counselling. Only now he says he was going to do it. He says he loves me so much and just wanted to do all the right things and this is going to take years away from our kids lives now.

just looking for support please I feel like the worst person in the world 💔

This is absolutely textbook.

Of course he's "sorry" and "will change" now there might be consequences for what he did.

Not actually sorry, of course, just scared enough for the consequences catching up with him that he'll do his best to manipulate and guilt trip you into retracting the charges.

He had 9 years to change. He didn't. Why? Cos it wasn't in his interests. Now it is in his interests to convince you that he'll change - because that keeps him out of jail. He won't actually change. That wouldn't help him. All he needs is to convince you, and then he can carry on as he was.

Stay strong, stay no contact, and block all the other numbers/don't pick up. Get a non-molestation order and prevent him from contacting you.

Don't believe his bullshit, because that's all it is, whatever he says.

He was never going to and is still never going to change. Speak to womens aid, get the support you need - do freedom project/ own my life project depending on what they call it where you are. Do not speak to him, do not let him continue to abuse you through the manipulation. You have been amazing- well done

Even if he has changed you can never take him back. This will send an awful message to your children. Also you are likely traumatised by everything that has happened and you will never recover with him around, no matter how ‘amazing’ he is now (he definitely isn’t).
you need to follow through with this, don’t listen to him. Close the door and move on, if not for you then for your children. Don’t take the risk of him messing up their lives just because you feel bad. You’ve done the right thing x

You've done nothing wrong. He's a weak, disgusting abuser who will not change. For your own mental health, don't speak to him, he is just trying to manipulate you.

Please read this free book about controlling men, it will make things clearer for you
www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf#page=6

He is so full of shit Op, he had no idea of making any changes to his behaviour, none at all. He thinks you'll be daft enough to forgive him and drop the charges. I'm very glad you're not going to let him off, for you and your DC and not just for you, if he's found guilty it will be a warning to any other women he meets

Aw mate, he doesn't give a tiny shit about you or your children.

It really and truly is all about him. He's a coward who will say ANYTHING to get you to help him avoid prison.

He honestly doesn't care about anyone other than himself.

I know you think you love him, but why? What qualities does he have that spark Love for him?
Are those so fabulous thar they can mitigate his criminal activities?

He brings drugs and serious risk of harm into his children's lives. What is it that blinds your emotions to this?

Honestly if he dropped dead tomorrow the world would be a better place.

Thank you so much. It’s honestly helped so much all of your support. You are so right and clearly his manipulation works. I honestly can’t believe I’ve been so stupid! I’ve got a new SIM card on the way to change my number. For now I am ignoring the withheld calls. I really appreciate it xx

You are so right. Thank you. Clearly something inside of me is very damaged it must be some kind of hold he has over me I can’t even say it must be love because as you said there isn’t much to love about how he’s treated me. I think you’re right the fact he wants to avoid prison shows he’s not really sorry I’ve been an idiot

awww no way! I just ordered this book this morning as another netmum recommended it to me but so glad that I can take a look at this now ! I have anew SIM card on the way so will change my number x

You are not stupid, or an idiot, you're brave and strong and worth so much more than this scummy man

You are so right I absolutely don’t want to set that example for my little girls. That was why I reported in the first place I want them to know when they grow up not to tolerate that from a man ever. This has honestly been a traumatic week since reporting. His mother who I thought of as my own she was the only person who knew of the abuse for 9 years and would tell me to leave but thank me for not reporting him. She actually lied to the police and told them she knows of no abuse. She knows of every single detail of what happened to me over the years and she actually told him to get a solicitor and “fight his corner” it broke my heart. she’s offered him money to pay off his friend to take a drug charge too before cos they both got caught. So I shouldn’t really be surprised. Makes me feel so much better to have netmums and get some support 🤍 thank you x

I really feel this. It was never beneficial for him to change in the past. I feel so stupid that I even picked up the call. It started off as a please answer I just want to say I’m sorry. I’m going to turn myself in , once you speak to me I’m going to turn myself in And then we won’t be able to talk for years when I’m inside , after 70 calls I picked up. Of course he was not turning himself in. Instead trying to prove to me how much he’s changed on the phone to make me feel sorry for him. It’s honestly unbelievable. I have a non molestation order going in the process and I did inform the police of his breach if bail they are also going to charge him for harassment. Thank you for your support xx

Have you contacted Women Aid too to get some support?
Im thinking you might well need a lawyer to support you. And they should be able to guide you so you’re staying safe (aka protect yourself and your dcs from him)

And just yo reiterate.
YOU’VE GOT THIS. YOU ARE AMAZING. KEEP GOING!!
Seriously leaving an abusive relationship like that is hard. Very hard. But you’ve done it. You’ve proven to yourself (and him) that you are strong.
Never forget!!

Agree with PP about DC.

They’ve had a traumatic start seeing their mother abused and they are likely to need support for that even into adulthood. They are growing up knowing their father is not nice. I assume he also has limited training or any kind of career since he’s on the run. This will weigh heavy on them as they get older and wonder if they will be bad too. I think you also say that you have other relatives in jail.

You have to be strong OP to protect them from these dysfunctional relatives. To ensure they have hard-working role models in their life and to ensure they have opportunities and education. They need to see you carving out a better life for you all. You’ve already started on that path by moving and realising you needed to do something about his behaviour towards you.

They must be front and centre of all of your decisions. Next time an unknown number calls, let it ring on silent (you should be able to silence unknown numbers). You cannot let this man back into their lives. If your partner has strangled you just once, the chance of them killing you in the future goes up massively. If DC lose you, who will keep them on the right path? It doesn’t matter if you love him or feel sorry for him or believe he can change (he can’t). DC must come first. You must ignore him. No more pointless chats with you trying to make him see sense. He doesn’t care. You won’t get closure from this man.

Be prepared for his friends and relatives to start calling. Ignore every single one. No conversations. If you pick up to one of them accidentally, very quickly say ‘I am not discussing this with you. I have to go now.’ Hang up and block. Consider a new phone number that only your absolute best people know.

You have said a few times that if he is really sorry he would be prepared to take the consequences. Well that is correct. He isn’t sorry and he’ll do it again. He does not care about anyone but himself. He does not have the moral character to want to see the consequences of his actions through. He was a bad choice. But you are now on a pathway to making better choices.

💐

Hi OP, sending you strength at this time!! You are 100% doing the right thing for your children and for you!!!

The only reason he is saying these things is to get you to retract your statement so he stays out of jail. Do not fall for it!!! If you are ever tempted, just think what he's already put you and your children through. You are doing the right thing to break this cycle of abuse.

Stay strong and as others have said be extra vigilant! And well done for what you're doing - it can't be easy but it's 100% for the best!

Thank you ❤️ they were 2.5 and 4 when this happened I am hoping they won’t remember much but to be honest I am realistic that they might 😔 I have already arranged some children’s emotional support at school which specialises in domestic violence. I hope this will be a start. In September I go back to university to study nursing, something my ex didn’t want me to do as it was a “waste of his time” as in having to look after his children more whilst I’m away. Yes you are correct he doesn’t have any skills. By choice. I have a new phone SIM card on the way once it arrives I plan to change my number. But yes absolutely my dear children deserve better. I want to do this for them. I felt guilt because he strangled me 4 years ago now and there was a lot of abuse then I thought maybe it’s too late to report maybe he has changed as the last abuse was last year and then maybe a year before that but the rest has been verbal abuse and only because we lived apart there was nothing to argue about he had nobody to answer to whilst he was cheating and drug dealing behind my back. but the fact he was whilst our child was present just that one time he strangled me even though she was 2 it’s still enough to go to jail I believe xx

Men like this do not change. I have never been in a romantic relationship, but one of my brothers does this to my mum. He is awful to her, never sees her, then when he needs anything it is all very much putting the onus on her; “if you don’t lend me this money I’ll get arrested”, “if you don’t give me £3k today I will not be able to start my business and I will not be able to pay you back all the other money I owe you”. He treats his partners awfully too, I literally wouldn’t have even been surprised to learn this WAS my brother you are writing about.

Spoiler alert, my mum gives in and nothing changes, he is off again. The thing is with these men is they lack empathy. They only care about themselves and everything else is secondary. It is absolutely heartbreaking that this includes children. They will use children against women they want to control, but would up and leave in a heartbeat if that was no longer an avenue.

It never ceases to amaze me how people can care so little about other humans. It will not change unfortunately.

Sorry if I haven’t been able to message every single person back my phone is broken so the screen jumps but thank you so much each of you for taking the time to message me. I will read these messages back when I feel myself feeling weak ❤️

(I mean I have never been in a relationship with someone like this)

sending you love, handholds, hugs and strength OP. You’re doing an amazing thing. Please do get support from Womens Aid, the police etc. please keep coming back whenever you need any virtual support and keep safe x

Wow !! I read your post and I thought this sounds just like him !! He also only comes to his mum for money (he’s an only child) he never checks in on her or helps her , speaks to her horribly , has smashed her house up before , borrows money and doesn’t ever pay back but keeps asking for more money guilting her just like how you desecibed. Only I have watched her really enable a lot of bad behaviour such as him drug dealing in another country and her going out there to see him knowing he’s doing that borrowing him money for the flights knowing I left him because I could t tolerate it all anymore. She also lied to the police and told them I didn’t tell her about any physical abuse despite her being the only person i confided in and also since all this happened she tried to guilt me into dropping the charges and asked me do I really want him to go to jail for this ? We could have resolved this outside the police’s she then told him to get a good solicitor and “fight his corner” after I put in my statement. I was honestly heart broken but also could see how this man came to be xxx

What you described about these types of men having babies to control a woman sounds like my ex. I did all the child raising myself pretty much as he would disappear in his kids for weeks when I’d throw him out for whatever horrible behaviour he displayed. He would only want to be a dad to our kids when it was to get to me. He actually just went to Spain for 3 months didn’t even say goodbye to them. Claims that this is where he has his big “realisation” of the changes he needs to make. When actually I think Spain just didn’t work out for him whatever drug dealing he had going on 🙄

You’re doing all the right things now OP.
Getting away from living with him possibly saved your life.

Forget his mum. She will always be on his side. Sounds like she raised him with no boundaries and he’s continuing this into adulthood.

Keep the text/voicemail apologies. Get copies and save somewhere safe. Not just a phone and tablet. Send by emails to self and solicitors and police.

Congratulations on your university place. I’ve got a feeling you’ll ace it and make a great career for yourself. How proud your girls will be.

💐

Hold fast. You are doing so well. You can do this. 💐

Please, please don't be persuaded to have this man back in your life. You've made the break, what you've done is one hundred percent correct ... feel proud that you found the strength to do the right thing. He won't change, he's lying to save his own skin, and if you have him back he'd be worse than ever. Cut him dead if he ever manages to get you on the phone, don't give him a single minute of your time, you're worth so much more, and you owe it to your children to keep them and yourself safe. He's trouble ... and dangerous, avoid like the plague. Keep safe lovely lady x