Upset, confused. Think I've had enough.

[Sockmate123]

Looking for advice I suppose. Don't really know where to start. Currently on holiday with DH and 2 kids.

DH generally grumpy/irritable, not all the time, has a good sense of humour and can be upbeat when it suits him but like at entertainment at hotel I have chatted to other families at the entertainment/by the pool and he just sits there with his head in a book/earphones on or wearing these sunglasses that play music/audio books. When I say something he tuts/sighs and pulls out the ear pods. Basically I am always competing with devices. At home he is in meetings online (fine) but in evenings few times a week is online gaming. Basically every time I knock on office door he's telling me he has to go on a call and to hurry up whatever I want to say.

He has a high powered job and it's well paid. I work part time. We pool all our money just keeping some 'fun' money each.

Anyway on this holiday things seem to be deteriorating. He is gaslighting me all the time. He seems to bizarrely be trying to spin a narrative to the kids that I am drinking. Last night I lifted my daughters teddy to give to her in bed, there was an ear pod under it that I didn't realise was there and fell on the floor. He started huffing and puffing and swearing and saying if I wasn't drunk I wouldn't have knocked it over. I drank a glass and a half of wine. I am not a drinker. I drink maybe once every 2 months and I am such a lightweight it's a running joke with my friends! I can only handle 2 glasses of wine and I don't drink anything else.

A few nights ago at the entertainment I was enjoying myself singing along with the entertainment. He told the kids 'this is what Mummy is like after 4 glasses of wine'. I had nowhere near 4 glasses of wine, if I did I wouldn't be able to walk.

Last night I was arguing with him over text that do not accuse me of being drunk in front of my children. He is replying stuff like 'our' children. And insisting I am drunk but he didn't call me that and that I called him that. I didn't.

He is bare faced lying now when he would never have been a liar before.

I'm concerned now he is trying to twist things to build a case against me down the road. He told me recently during a conversation about a friend who is divorcing and her husband has to pay maintenance. He said that wouldn't be him and he would just 'leave the jurisdiction'. I said that would mean leaving your children.

I'm concerned his personality is changing. Sex life isn't great but hasn't been since 1st child due to 'catastrophic' injuries during his birth, it hasn't been an issue really as it wasn't my fault and he understood that.

What advice do you all have? He hasn't apologised since last night. I am communicating here today with him functionally, as in if he asks do I have the suncream, I'll answer etc

I am a good Mother, my youngest has additional needs and psychologist recently told me she's lucky as I go above and beyond.

He isn't a great Dad, not the worst bit has little patience with them and clashes hugely with my eldest.

If you've read this far you deserve a medal! 😂 thank you and sorry for the rambling post 🙈

He is actually from the UK, but we live in Ireland. He is only part UK though and links to other country in Europe (don't want to say as I have already said quite a lot of information, don't want to be identified). Other country though hasn't any mad laws around Father's rights etc like some countries. It's more that he'll go back to UK and think he can have kids back and forth there.

Do not have another drink in his company. Play nice whilst on holiday. Get home and start planning, hide cash, stock the cupboards, buy the Christmas presents, winter clothes and shoes. Get the paperwork in order and confront him when you are ready.

Are you joking?
The op should absolutely not pander to this man.

He sounds horrible and I believe he is trying to create a narrative.

I would just do your own thing with the kids for the rest of the holiday. If you want to have a wine, have a wine - you’re on holiday!

He sounds awful, he really does.

Men like this, they're always determined to fight for 50:50 to avoid maintenance.

Then they ditch the kids.

I know the conversation hasn't come up yet but when it does, fake enthusiasm for 50:50 and say "great, I need to be able to prioritise my career for that half of the week" and also "it"lk be good to know there are set times for me to date when the kids will be with you"

Lay it on reasonably thick. "I'm looking forward to change!". T"im brave enough for a new start!".

He knows your good humour and your ability to get on with people will see you thrive (as meghan markle would say)

He'll panic. Last thing a man like this wants is the kids 50:50

They certainly want to pay no maintenance though.

If he leaves you without income, go to local intreo with confirmation that you have engaged a solicitor to start divorce proceedings and you'll be able to earn up to 168 pw without it affecting yr payment.
Or if you're still working pt but earning less than 746 per week with 2 children then you can get working family payment for 60% of the difference.

That's the worse case scenario. But it helps to know that the help is there if you need it because these grumps want you to be at their mercy.

Thanks that's good to know. I'm sad I'm in this situation and coming to this realisation..I have let him go gaming so I can have the TV to myself etc I have sort of rolled in with what he has wanted to do.
We are booked to go away just the two of us in September, it's already paid 😳

This is what happened to a friend of mine. Her husband was a moody bastard the whole of the holiday with her, kid and her parents and she later found out he was in the midst of an affair. I assume it’s a mixture of guilt and deflection and resentment at having to play happy families while they’d rather be elsewhere.

Sorry OP, good luck with it all x

I love this DLBGYD! Made me smile

Oh I don't know, possibly. I don't think OW tbh. I'm not saying definitely because of course it's a possibility. He's grumpy like this at home alot, usually I put it down to work stress, he's usually a lot better on holidays...its up and down since we got here, some days have been fine, lots of laughter etc but he is just so rude and irritable at others.
Earlier I was putting on spray sun cream, obviously a tiny bit landed on him and or his book as he started sighing loudly and muttering ffs under his breath but enough for everyone to hear. He's acting like a big spoilt baby but this is quite a regular thing now, certainly becoming more regular as time goes on...
He often goes through phases like this and then 'snaps out of it'. I'm sick of him though and this behaviour. Despite how he us behaving I haven't talked negatively about him to the kids even though he says I do, I genuinely don't as I think it's hurtful and harmful to them 💔

He's not great with the kids & clashes with the eldest-they'll know!

He's obviously not so worried about your "drinking" that he doesn't feel the kids shouldn't be with just you🙄

Ignore passive aggressive muttering entirely. If he can’t speak up for himself or ask for what he wants (you to vanish) then fuck him. Its the worst punishment for a person like that. To be ignored. Only respond to the behavior you want to see repeated. Be selectively deaf.

I did exactly this with mixes he said he wanted the dc 50/50 to avoid paying for them.

I said great, I'll be able to further my career and will get a week to myself I can go back to the gym and catch up with friends. He did NOT like that at all. Suddenly decided he wanted the dc eow (just to punish me). So he now pays Maint through CMS and sees the dc eow

Thanks, I will try my best to do this..

Hi @Sockmate123 ... I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. You say he has an important job and I wonder whether he struggles to switch off from that and that maybe he's taking his stress out on you? It always takes me a while to relax when on holiday so perhaps he'll be better in the second week? Apologies if this has already been asked but have you considered couples therapy? I think we get set in patterns of behaviour and sometimes need a third party to help overcome this. It sounds like he's resenting you for something- do you know what it could be? Or is he just a bit of an arse? I do wonder whether it's work stress that's spilling over into your domestic life.... I know that I am very focused during the day and maybe come across as snappy if my husband asks me about something during the day... I find it difficult to switch between work me and wife me, particularly when working from home and I don't have the commute time to de stress.

This was hard to read OP. I’m so sorry he’s treating you like this. You deserve better

Sorry OP, it sounds awful.
It sounds like he has checked out ..?
Get your financial and legal ducks in a row so you’re protected as far as possible and tell him to fuck off if you can’t bear it any longer.

Yes I agree this is a huge issue and he actually admits to this. For this reason I make alot of excuses for him.
In terms of resentment he would say from time to time I have lots of friends, I don't really tbh but I suppose I know alot of people, I'm involved with alot of stuff mainly associate with the school though.
He would say he's socially awkward, doesn't like chit chat with people but can be a good friend when he does make a connection. This voluntary group he was bullied out of hit him hard as it was his main source of social engagement. He's probably feeling lost at the moment but then why ignore the person who is always there for you?
In terms of the kids they would definitely be closer to me and that's pretty obvious, they will both want to sit with me at dinner etc
I don't know....sick of trying to figure him out tbh 🤷‍♀️ he never apologised about the other night but acting 'nicer'

I think we take out our frustrations on the people closest to us.... it's not right at all but it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It means he's not very good at handling stress. If he's been bullied out of a group of friends then this will be hugely stressful for him and he's probably feeling very hurt (apologies, I've not read all the comments). Does he practice self care? I'm wondering whether, if you can put his awful treatment of you to one side (on the basis we think this might be stress related).... can you help him to do something he enjoys? Other than gaming? What stuff did you enjoy doing together before you had children? I feel for you, I really do.... and wonder whether this is how my husband feels (you commented on my post yesterday) because I can see some of my own behaviours in your husband.

I wouldn't give him any indication you are thinking of leaving
🦆 in a row very quietly.
Grey rock during the holiday, focus on DC

Don't drink anything at all , so he can't use that against you, don't mention to DC

Op you keep making excuses for his behaviour. Think. You’re determined to give a reason for every unpleasant behaviour he displays.

These type of men can never be wrong

His making you " the wrong one" is usually because they are Narcs,and have a fragile ego so any issues in the marriage have to be your fault.
They behave appallingly but yep you are WRONG , you ended the marriage, you are a drunken, u grateful bitch blah blah
They have zero capacity for self reflection and accountability.

It's over already
The good news is that you are one step ahead of him
Stop asking why he is gaslighting you or e xpecting him to change, he wont
He's back in "nice"mode🙄
Quietly play along and get those ducks sorted out.

Nice didn't last long. I askedvhim to run downstairs to put towels on sunbeds. It's literally 10 steps down and the pool is there in front of you. Said he couldn't because of his diarrhoea. We only have one bathroom here on the hols and I was using it so I said while I am in there can he do it. But no, no compromise. Said I'm not doing it, you wouldn't do it if it was you. I actually can't abide the selfishness of him!!!
This holiday has been an eye opener. When we get home I'm going to do something nice for myself each day when kids are at school, whether it's a walk by myself or a coffee with a friend. I'm going to start building a life for myself.
What to do about this holiday in Sept though? It's 5 atar for 4 nights and already paid in full....

He sounds awful, as other posters have said. A truly shit partner and parent.

He's also said something that suggests he's very immoral; "I wouldn't get caught for CM, I'd move out of the jurisdiction".

Well, dickhead, the UK and Ireland aren't out of each others "jurisdictions". They have reciprocal arrangements for CM.

And so do lots of other countries, if he's planning on fucking off elsewhere.

If he moved away from them he can't have them 50-50 overnights - and only overnights count for CM.

So how's he going to get out of paying CM?

The only way I can imagine is by moving to an absolute back arse of nowhere country with no reciprocal arrangements, or giving up work or similar.

It tells you everything you need to know about him, the intended avoidance of CM; for kids he's brought into the world and known for more than a decade so far.

The gas lighting is sinister too.

You need to get your ducks in a row big time with someone like this. Citizens advice, women's aid, a family law solicitor, a forensic accountant may be be necessary in a divorce.

Unfortunately the sept holiday is rather secondary to the other issues.

If you're still together, you could just go and tolerate things/try to make the best of them for you and the kids.