Upset, confused. Think I've had enough.

[Sockmate123]

Looking for advice I suppose. Don't really know where to start. Currently on holiday with DH and 2 kids.

DH generally grumpy/irritable, not all the time, has a good sense of humour and can be upbeat when it suits him but like at entertainment at hotel I have chatted to other families at the entertainment/by the pool and he just sits there with his head in a book/earphones on or wearing these sunglasses that play music/audio books. When I say something he tuts/sighs and pulls out the ear pods. Basically I am always competing with devices. At home he is in meetings online (fine) but in evenings few times a week is online gaming. Basically every time I knock on office door he's telling me he has to go on a call and to hurry up whatever I want to say.

He has a high powered job and it's well paid. I work part time. We pool all our money just keeping some 'fun' money each.

Anyway on this holiday things seem to be deteriorating. He is gaslighting me all the time. He seems to bizarrely be trying to spin a narrative to the kids that I am drinking. Last night I lifted my daughters teddy to give to her in bed, there was an ear pod under it that I didn't realise was there and fell on the floor. He started huffing and puffing and swearing and saying if I wasn't drunk I wouldn't have knocked it over. I drank a glass and a half of wine. I am not a drinker. I drink maybe once every 2 months and I am such a lightweight it's a running joke with my friends! I can only handle 2 glasses of wine and I don't drink anything else.

A few nights ago at the entertainment I was enjoying myself singing along with the entertainment. He told the kids 'this is what Mummy is like after 4 glasses of wine'. I had nowhere near 4 glasses of wine, if I did I wouldn't be able to walk.

Last night I was arguing with him over text that do not accuse me of being drunk in front of my children. He is replying stuff like 'our' children. And insisting I am drunk but he didn't call me that and that I called him that. I didn't.

He is bare faced lying now when he would never have been a liar before.

I'm concerned now he is trying to twist things to build a case against me down the road. He told me recently during a conversation about a friend who is divorcing and her husband has to pay maintenance. He said that wouldn't be him and he would just 'leave the jurisdiction'. I said that would mean leaving your children.

I'm concerned his personality is changing. Sex life isn't great but hasn't been since 1st child due to 'catastrophic' injuries during his birth, it hasn't been an issue really as it wasn't my fault and he understood that.

What advice do you all have? He hasn't apologised since last night. I am communicating here today with him functionally, as in if he asks do I have the suncream, I'll answer etc

I am a good Mother, my youngest has additional needs and psychologist recently told me she's lucky as I go above and beyond.

He isn't a great Dad, not the worst bit has little patience with them and clashes hugely with my eldest.

If you've read this far you deserve a medal! 😂 thank you and sorry for the rambling post 🙈

Take this holiday and his behavior as an early warning sign that he will eventually stop accepting your marriage, sex life, shared finances and seek to end things or force you to end things. He clearly has given it some thought already.

In reality people often leave the marriage emotionally ling before they pull the trigger and actually split. It sounds like you have assumed he would accept the sex problems and value/love you for all that you do for the family and your youngest dc.. He should! But it doesn’t sound like he does.

Dissociate for the rest if the holiday. When he says something bitchy just smile and say “oh, you! Are you having a mood? Come on kids lets let daddy sulk” then go do something else. He is laying a trap for you and trying to form an image of you in the children’s minds (stupid and pointless but thats what all this mommy is a drunk stuff comes down to). Reframe it as “silly daddy” and stay as clear as you can.

Get home and start the process of getting out with the best settlment you can. If you don’t make the first move he probably will or he will escalate his behavior until you are a shell of yourself and then dump you.

Be the master of your own fate.

If you were my friend all I would say is this. You're miserable anyway...
I get the playing dirty would worry you but look at the alternative. You deserve to be happy.

You should start gas lighting him yourself by saying things like - ''You know I only drink water!'' and how he should know things about children e.g. names of teachers, whatever - laughing at same time of course -silly him! DLBGYD(don't let the bastard get you down)

Imo could he be missing something or someone back home? He seems to be punishing you for him being away from home....

Thanks everyone very good points. I said to him a few days ago during a conversation that I think he is depressed. He said you could be right.
So I'm thinking all sorts, is he in fact depressed? His mum has bipolar. Or is it male menopause. He had an issue a few weeks ago, he thought Erectile Dysfunction but it seemed to resolve.
Re sex, it's not that we don't have it it's just penetration is often difficult/painful for me. But there is still intimacy/activity
He is in the room now with an upset tummy, I asked do you think its something you ate, he said could be or could be another reason, in other words that he's so internally stressed by my behaviour. This is another card he constantly plays.

I'm so bloody good to him. He barely lifts a finger at home, I even do all his errands despite working myself.

The sad thing is on the outside it looks like the perfect life....

Fine line between being depressed and just being a cunt. Imo.. And the ED could be guilt towards ow....
Suggest he seeks a Dr appointment.. You aren't a verbal punchbag or a therapist..

Just avoid being around him and do your own thing.

"I'm sorry you're not well. I imagine you'll want to lie down and not be disturbed so I'll take the kids away to give you peace". (ie I can't wait to get away from you and now I can do it and make it look like I'm being considerate)

Tomorrow:

"You'll probably want to relax and unwind by the pool today after yesterdays tummy issues so you're near a loo, so I can just take the kids to the mini market for ice lollies and go for a walk and let you enjoy your book"

Next day: "is there anything you'd like to do as a family or would you prefer to de-stress and unwind, and I'll take them to the beach" etc. (ie you've asked while making it clear he doesn't have to come)

Just make it look like you understand he wants to be left in peace and you're doing all you can to facilitate this.

Then enjoy the single mum life without his moaning for a few hours.

This is exactly how it will pan out but this is annoys me too as its always me doing 99% of the childcare as it is. He gets to travel alot with work and gets plenty of time to read books on flights etc I haven't been able to read even one page of the book I brought! I don't even know why I brought it!
However it's better than the alternative, the put downs, constant moaning, baseless accusations.

Sex life isn't great but hasn't been since 1st child due to 'catastrophic' injuries during his birth, it hasn't been an issue really as it wasn't my fault and he understood that

I don't even know where to start with this comment

I don't think another woman, of course I could be wrong but he is free with his phone anytime I or kids ask to use it.

Yes, obviously.
Regarding practical circumstances!

Your complaint is that he is a lazy, uninvolved, father?

My point (sorry posted too fast) is that he treats you like shit. Depression and ED might be reasons but they are not excuses.

He is aggressively unpleasant to you and undermines you with the children. We are sll advising you to take discreet evasive action on this trip. Sure its annoying to have to continue all the childcare and not get a real break. Stop Worrying about that. Its the least of your problems. This holiday is not a teachable moment.

You are right. I just have to suck up the childcare and at least the kids don't seem to have noticed too much. They know he is generally grumpy but they don't seem to see how upset I am which is great because it's making me feel less guilty that at least they are enjoying their hols.

Goodness he sounds like a pain to be around. I guess get through the holiday as best as possible, ignore the nasty comments and leave him in the hotel room as much as possible. When you get home though I would make plans to leave or suggest he moves out. Do you own a house together?

He’s laying the path for divorce isn’t he. I think you need to lay your own too.
I wouldn’t even drink non-alcoholic wine I would just stop drinking altogether - that can’t be twisted. See a solicitor and talk through the implications of your PT work, DC with additional needs and him not being from the U.K.

Yes which will be messy, he won't have anywhere to go and neither will I!

Yeah the drinking thing is beyond petty and actually ridiculous. He had a beer at 3pm yesterday and more in the evening!

It’s a good idea
BUT once you’re back home, you want to reassess the situation. No way that he should manipulate you into facilitating him checking out.
Either he is a father and a husband, a member of the team Family. Or he isn’t.
Don’t let him play the good father and husband and get the social rewards of that whilst you are the one running around doing it all and dealing with his ‘grumpiness’ and gaslighting.

Fwiw I’m wondering if the gaslighting isn’t actually new. It’s just that this time, it’s so obviously wrong that you don’t question yourself.

Your children may see more than you think - never forget my 6 year old once asked me if I was alright when I was trying to hide everything and be jolly.

Stop marveling at how ridiculous it is because he thinks he is doing something when he makes the accusation. The more absurd the more danger.

1. He is projecting his unwanted behavior on to you.
2. He is insulting and demeaning you to the children.
3. He is potentially laying the groundwork to accuse you of being an unfit parent.

Why don’t you fuck him up by saying “Hey you seem really concerned about our alcohol intake why don’t you and I both stop drinking right now on this holiday! I bet you I will have no trouble. Dare to join me?”

When he next orders an alcoholic drink I'd be tempted to say 'do you think that's wise with your upset tummy?'

What country is he from? Are you worried he wouldn;t bring them back if he took them there? He sounds like the kind of bloke that will say he wants 50/50 custody so he can not pay maintenance. Doe she have nearby family who could look after your DC and whom you trust that he might use for childcare when he works?

Keep your own counsel for now. Make an appointment with a solicitor when you get home and get all papers, financials and childrens documents together and copied and stowed away. Make sure you keep hold of the DC's passports after the holiday. Only once you are fully ready and are sure you want to split only then broach separating with him.

Ask him to see the GP on your return about his "depression."
In the meantime, since you can't change him then you can only change your reaction to him. Emotionally separate yourself from him, don't engage, think twice before rising to his baits. Tell him in low clam voice not to behave like that, talk about you like that or tell him he is talking rot ( when he accuses you of being drunk). Drink soft drinks or fizzy water and show the DC you are not drinking alcohol. I know you probably need some respite from the DC but just think of all the lovely time he is missing out on with the DC, time that will never come again. He is a "crazy maker."
Stay strong!

He sounds like a miserable bastard and you should like a lovely person. Do you really want to be with him he sounds awful tbh. Can't be nice for the kids either. Divorce him and take him for whatever you can get. He has unreasonable behaviour for sure Why be like this on holiday there's no need for it whatsoever.

Thanks for saying that. He keeps saying I am gaslighting him etc anything I throw at him he throws back. He is very selfish. Every sentence starts with 'I'. I always refer to us as 'we'. I would say at times narcissistic tendencies altphough probably not full on narcissist.
He has zero empathy which is another red flag. But expects lots of empathy/sympathy. My Dad died 3 years ago. He offered virtually no emotional support, did offer practical support in terms of organisation of funeral etc but it was low key due to Covid.
He recently got bullied out of an organisation he was involved with on a voluntary basis. He was treated badly tbf and I think I am also getting that misdirected anger.
I am just sick of him and being a supporting actress in his life show. His career has gone from strength to strength while I have sacrificed mine to bring up these beautiful children (don't regret that part for a second though, they are great kids).