Was it “infidelity” or a 🚩?

[Glittercloud17]

I am single parent and out of dating game a while. Recently I started dating a lovely guy. I’m 44, he’s 40. We’ve been together about 1.5 months & going well.

Here’s the issue: I had to host an evening event in front of strangers, friends and family. I ask this guy to come and bring some friends so they can support me (I don’t know his friends yet).

He shows up at the event late, drunk and with a young, attractive girl, probably around 30, and from where I am standing, they appear to be very flirtatious.

When I can, I go over to say hi, & he is happy to see me, hugs me, kiss on cheek, tells me I’m amazing. But doesn’t introduce the girl straightaway. The girl is looking shifty & nervous. I then ask to be introduced & the girl is really off with me. Dismissive handshake & body language. I am confused & I ask to see my date outside as I’m feeling super uncomfortable. He tells me she’s just a friend but I tell him, I don’t really feel comfortable with what I’m seeing (I am not a jealous person).

So anyway, I have to go back to present at the event, & from stage, I see them both laughing & joking, talking throughout my performance, & even leave the venue & come back much later. I am cross & confused but keep a straight face.

At the end of the night, as he is drunk, & I don’t want to speak about this in public (the girl is hanging around), I say I’m feeling weird about what’s taken place & that we should talk in the morning & they leave.

Later, while I am still at the venue chatting to friends, this girl comes back, taps me on my shoulder & tells me she has feelings for my date & I should back off. I am stunned. I shrug my shoulders & just say “ok, you’re entitled to your feelings but me & XXX are dating right now” & I walk away. I don’t want embarrassment at a high stake event for me.

The next day I speak to my date & I am fuming. I feel disrespected & disappointed by his choice of friend, but he is in complete denial, says she is a only friend, and that he was trying to cheer her up because her boyfriend dumped her, that he invited others but she was the only one free, the news she likes him is shocking to him, but he isn’t responsible for her, that I am being jealous because she’s young female & that I was in fact rude to him last night!!

He then calls the situation a “difference of opinion” & that we should probably leave the relationship.

My date has always given me this idea he is very moral and humble man and would never cheat. We’re not yet “in a relationship” but we had hoped it would go far. But the whole situation seems very off and this drama queen really got under my skin.

Furthermore, the presentation was a big deal to me, and it went well, but the added pressure on the night was not good and I felt really embarrassed by their public actions.

Needless we haven’t spoken in a few since he called it off. I’m tempted to write him a letter because I don’t feel I got closure and still hope to reconcile.

What are other people’s interpretation of this? Was this technically an infidelity? A 🚩 ?

Differing perspectives welcome.

though his words were ‘neither of us (me or him) have done anything wrong’

He's gas lighting you.

He's trying to set up that narrative for himself and also because I'm guessing you share acquaintances; he doesn't want to be the bad guy.

So he's trying to convince himself and you that this is a "no fault" situation.

But it's not.

Tell your mates he turned up at your event late, drunk, with a drunk 30 yr old woman he paid almost exclusive attention to, and who later told you she wants him and you need to back off. See if they think neither of you have done anything wrong.

I mean maybe they'll be diplomatic if they're mates with both of you and want to stay that way, maybe they'll take the "not taking sides" stance. But the fact remains that he most definitely has done wrong.

Yes, this is what I think too. He probably is a narcissist, in which case you've really dodged a bullet.

He’s a total embarrassment. Laugh at him, block him, move on.

Block him and forget him. You deserve someone who will treat you like the queen you are xx

No take this as a lesson and move on. Even without the young women, he has shown you how disrespectful he can be by turning up drunk then trying invalidate your feelings 🤷🏼‍♀️

Firstly neither of you are girls. Please say women or woman.

secondly he binned you off as soon as he heard she was interested. Don’t demean yourself. It’s done. He’s with her.

Did you miss he binned the op immediately?

I wouldn't waste energy on trying to decipher if it was infidelity etc or not.

You asked him to come to an important event to support you.

He SPOKE throughout your performance.

That would be it for me.

Chuck him back.

She obviously told him she had feelings for him, as she blabbed it to you too on the night. Classy girl. And he wanted to get rid of you so he could pursue things with her. I bet you anything they are dating now. He will probably realise his mistake at some point but make a commitment that you will never take him back. Oh and no, he’s not a decent guy.

Of course they are dating , he brought her as he was interested, it’s a shitty thing to do, and the woman knew what was going on. He then dumped the op to pursue it with this woman, of course he wasn’t going to tell the op that.

please don’t write him a letter op and try to get back with him, it is going to be a no and something you regret for ever. This woman got under your skin as you knew fine well he was getting with her.

It's very strange. I do think after 1.5 months it's a bit intense to take friends to someone's work presentation to support them but it's extremely childish that he bought the girl and turned up drunk and late. That lack of consideration and his willingness to end it after insisting he's not in the wrong tells me he's either a narcissist and he's trying to see if he can get you on the hook and gas light you into accepting this sort of behaviour or he's genuinely not into you and thinks that your reaction is intense and OTT for someone he has been going on dates with for 1.5 months (it's no time) so he is put off but the seriousness in which case, you aren't on the same page. Either way, do not write someone who treats you this way a letter or beg him back, if he's doing it this early on I dread to think what's in store.

Is he super hot or something? There are thousands of dudes

He sounds like an idiot. Either completely stupid or an immature player. Either way, hes revealed his true self and you don't like it. I would move in and not give him the satisfaction of the letter. What is he going to do with it? Hes hardly likely to read it and come to a conclusion that he was wrong and apologise. It will just fuel his fire and ego that you were so bothered that you wrote him a letter. It will just reaffirm his already immature belief that hes an irresistable stud that women love and he will just be thinkijg its not his fault you got all flustered over him.

The bar is so low.

This, 1000 times over

What has that got to do with him gas lighting the op so she doesn't spoil his narrative for their mutual acquaintances that their fledgling relationship ended due to fault on neither side??

Even if they don't share any acquaintances, he's clearly gaslighting her to go along with his self serving narrative that there was no fault on either side.
Some men just can't be the bad guy. He even has op still describing him as a "lovely guy".

It wasn’t a work thing. I sideline in singing and I had a performance at an open party evening.

But You raise some valid points. I think I wrongly assumed he had more serious intentions about me. He had been pursuing for many months before we actually started to date. I took this chase as he was keen & I let my guard down to quickly hence why I was upset by his actions.

either way, I feel at peace now and no longer feel the urge to write him letter. Our boundaries are different, and He’s also a lower maturity level than I could tolerate long term.

🚩 🚩 🚩 I’m honestly lost for words, it’s clear as day that he was disrespectful to you and ended things when you tried to discuss his bad behaviour. Move on.

He’s a prize bellend
I hate to say it OP but he was most likely sleeping with her all along , who knows what he told her but it was most likely a similiar version of .. “oh we have to go and see my friend sing. She’s had a tough time etc “ blah blah .. utter bollocks ..
Hes been stringing you along and has ended it because he’s had what he thinks is a better offer ..

why the heck would you want to reconcile with this loser ? You dodged a bullet , you should be thinking .. his loss not mine ! A blocking him everywhere ..

Sounds like he already knows he doesn’t deserve you which is why he’s turned up to such an important event for you drunk and with a younger woman. Self sabotage. She’s just a bumper for his ego.

move on. He took no accountability for how you felt telling him to his face, he will never in a million years take any from a letter. Only wasting your time.

@whyhavetheygotsomany He's a player and a creep. He's so obvious. He's ridiculous in fact. He's an absolute gaslighting joke.

Even if he hadn't been a prick, I'd tell you not to write. He ended it, nobody needs a reason if they've decided a relationship isn't right for them. In this case though, I'd just be relieved!

I think I wrongly assumed he had more serious intentions about me. He had been pursuing for many months before we actually started to date. I took this chase as he was keen

I think anyone would.

There's clearly something going on with him however.

He's acted v poorly.

Yeah. Probably best he ended it.

you aren’t dating. he showed up and gave you a kiss. Admittedly a little drunk, which would excuse the forgetting to introduce the chick.

You don’t trust him, or something. I think he probably dodged a bullet.

I would not deal with that level of disrespect - he'd have been gone from my life immediately.