Was it “infidelity” or a 🚩?

[Glittercloud17]

I am single parent and out of dating game a while. Recently I started dating a lovely guy. I’m 44, he’s 40. We’ve been together about 1.5 months & going well.

Here’s the issue: I had to host an evening event in front of strangers, friends and family. I ask this guy to come and bring some friends so they can support me (I don’t know his friends yet).

He shows up at the event late, drunk and with a young, attractive girl, probably around 30, and from where I am standing, they appear to be very flirtatious.

When I can, I go over to say hi, & he is happy to see me, hugs me, kiss on cheek, tells me I’m amazing. But doesn’t introduce the girl straightaway. The girl is looking shifty & nervous. I then ask to be introduced & the girl is really off with me. Dismissive handshake & body language. I am confused & I ask to see my date outside as I’m feeling super uncomfortable. He tells me she’s just a friend but I tell him, I don’t really feel comfortable with what I’m seeing (I am not a jealous person).

So anyway, I have to go back to present at the event, & from stage, I see them both laughing & joking, talking throughout my performance, & even leave the venue & come back much later. I am cross & confused but keep a straight face.

At the end of the night, as he is drunk, & I don’t want to speak about this in public (the girl is hanging around), I say I’m feeling weird about what’s taken place & that we should talk in the morning & they leave.

Later, while I am still at the venue chatting to friends, this girl comes back, taps me on my shoulder & tells me she has feelings for my date & I should back off. I am stunned. I shrug my shoulders & just say “ok, you’re entitled to your feelings but me & XXX are dating right now” & I walk away. I don’t want embarrassment at a high stake event for me.

The next day I speak to my date & I am fuming. I feel disrespected & disappointed by his choice of friend, but he is in complete denial, says she is a only friend, and that he was trying to cheer her up because her boyfriend dumped her, that he invited others but she was the only one free, the news she likes him is shocking to him, but he isn’t responsible for her, that I am being jealous because she’s young female & that I was in fact rude to him last night!!

He then calls the situation a “difference of opinion” & that we should probably leave the relationship.

My date has always given me this idea he is very moral and humble man and would never cheat. We’re not yet “in a relationship” but we had hoped it would go far. But the whole situation seems very off and this drama queen really got under my skin.

Furthermore, the presentation was a big deal to me, and it went well, but the added pressure on the night was not good and I felt really embarrassed by their public actions.

Needless we haven’t spoken in a few since he called it off. I’m tempted to write him a letter because I don’t feel I got closure and still hope to reconcile.

What are other people’s interpretation of this? Was this technically an infidelity? A 🚩 ?

Differing perspectives welcome.

Defend him? He went out of his way to ruin an event that was important to you. He treated you with utter contempt and laughed at you with his date.

Why on earth would you even consider speaking to this man ever again? Block him. And take some time to work out why you would be prepared to countenance such treatment at his hands.

No, nobody is going to defend him (apart from maybe someone else with equally low standards and zero self respect) and he is not a decent guy. He couldn't even be arsed making an effort for you 6 weeks into a relationship and more importantly, has already ended it with you!

Red flag BUNTING.

Don't lower yourself to interact with him even a second longer. He has shown you exactly who he is, chin up and act indifferent.

😂ok. I understand. I’m trying to be level headed that’s all. I hate drama

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
and immature and unreliable, even if possibly charming.

There may or may not have been infedelity, but he seems capable of it. That is the least of the worry though as he was very, very disrespectful to you and all over the place and drunk.

You would be absolutely mad to carry on seeing him.

You seem about to sabotage yourself and hold yourself in low self esteem.

Could you see a counsellor?

Ok. Its clear then.

I was willing to lower myself because as said, I’ve been single for a long time through choice. This was the first man in about 7 years I was willing to give a shot to and this happened

There's no drama. You had a brief "relationship" for 6 weeks, it didn't work out, he's moved on, you need to move on too.

Not a chance on god’s green earth would I go back.

You shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable about a situation.

Block so he can’t get in touch and do not write a letter.

No. He didn’t give you any support at a big event, in fact he humiliated you. When you told him you were upset he turned it round on you- tried to say that you were unhinged and dumped you. You’ve seen a completely different side to the man you were dating. It’s not nice, and it’s not something you should want to be reconciling with. You deserve better. Move on. And don’t be talked back into it if he returns “when you’ve had time to cool down” or something.

There's no drama. You had a brief "relationship" for 6 weeks, it didn't work out, he's moved on, you need to move on to

Don't make out like this man hasn't done anything wrong. He's deliberately treated the OP horribly.

Never lower yourself just to be with a man. Being single can be lonely but it’s far better than being with someone who doesn’t treat you with respect

That's not what I said is it? OP said she doesn't want any drama and I said there is none. He's called time on the relationship and she hasn't heard from him since he ended it. By writing him a letter or contacting him, you ARE causing drama. It was 6 weeks. I've got some spinach and ricotta tortellini in my fridge that has lasted longer than their relationship.

OP better to be single than dating someone who behaved as he has done. Bet your bottom dollar he is dating her now and that's why he dumped you. He's a loser and you've had a lucky escape. You don't need 'closure' - you need to not waste another minute thinking about him and move on with your life. Look after yourself 💐

Don't reconcile - he behaved so badly, what an embarassment. Yuck.

He's deliberately treated the OP horribly.

I wouldn't say deliberately.

Hrs just a cavalier, disordered, playing the field arsehole with shit boundaries.

"Knowing* someone for a year as an acquaintance or even friend is not knowing them as a partner (or even knowing them well as a non partner).

The situation with the other woman does not sound platonic.

Situations between men and women rarely are truly platonic, I've found.

How does she have feelings for him if she's only just been dumped? That doesn't make much sense. Someone who's just been dumped would be devastated, caught up in the breakdown of the relationship, not over their ex etc. and would take a while to detach and start looking around at other people romantically.
If she'd truly just been dumped in a relationship she was invested in, does it seem likely she would instantly, automatically develop feelings for him?
And on top of that, feel strongly enough to tap his latest gf on the shoulder and declare that to her, with the impression she's declaring a competition or warning her off or something?

It's just very very weird.

I think the "just got dumped so I'm being nice to her" is a line.
I've seen that line used on here on here quite a few times by men having emotional and physical affairs when their partners challenge them about the level and type of contact they are having with another woman. "She's going through a divorce, she's having a hard time, she's down" etc. It's the " I'm just such a nice guy!" excuse.

I doubt she's been dumped recently at all, it was just to get you to back off and make out he's a nice person supporting someone and you're a bitch if you have a problem with it.

For a recently dumped, struggling woman ..she sure was confident, brash, and confrontational enough to be off with you and then actually say she has feelings for him. Like a declaration of possession or at the very least intent.

Even with alcohol involved, she's either bat shit crazy, or she thinks they have some bond and she has some claim over him. She's not developed that on her own, with zero input from him. The very fact he turns up at your event with her in tow, like she's his date, drunk and pays her attention throughout your speech etc....... do you seriously think he's been acting appropriately with her (for someone who was supposed to be exclusive with you)? It really doesn't sound like it.

I think the "just dumped" is a manipulative lie or some twisting of the truth, and I think her attitude and bizarre declaration are not based in nothing. He's pretending to be surprised and that it's the first he's heard of it, but I doubt it.

There is a chapter in "he's just not that into you" - an excellent book actually - called "To many queens in the castle" for men who act like this.
Always lots of female"friends" who he's not actually platonic with (like many male-female associations). Not relationship material. Too busy playing the field, even if they are passed off as "friends".

You say is it excusable - well, to give you perspective, imagine this happened to your friend, sister or daughter ..what would you think and what advice would you give them?

Good Lord, this level of shite six weeks in? Just throw him back.

Do not lower yourself OP. No man is worthy of that!

the fact you were presenting at an event makes me think you are an intelligent and successful woman. Do not be brought down by a man who messes about with drunk with women 20 years their junior and makes you feel awkward at your own event. As many say in here, when he tells you who he is, listen.

He is not the man for you.

He isn't a decent person let alone a good boyfriend. Block jim, don't send a letter. Closure is a decision in your head to move on. You don't need his permission or knowledge to move on.

He ain't sounding very moral and humble from where I'm sitting. He turns up rat faced to a highly important event, brings along a young girl that he flirts with (who thinks she's in with a chance), talks all through your speech, makes himself look like a prick and humiliates you. Doesn't look great on paper does it?

Reconcile? What on earth for, he publicly disrespected you by bringing a date to your presentation and flirted with her while you were presenting.

she fronted up to you in a direct challenge, and he later dumps you for calling him out?

raise your standards this man is a walking red flag

she has feelings for my date & I should back off

Having reread your op ... It doesn't sound like she thinks you're bf and gf (?)

If he'd told her unequivocally you were in a relationship/bf and gf, I doubt that would be the case.

He told her that were were dating and see where it goes. Which is true and what I told my friend. We’re both busy parents and trying to make the time to see each other.

she is an attractive girl from what I remember (as am I) but I could see she felt intimidated by me. I was on stage, looking fabulous with people cheering for me. I’m just pissed that she later felt she could take me down. What a c@unt

I wouldn't blame her too much, he's brought her into this situation and no smoke without fire, something has been going on between them for her to declare feelings, I don't believe it's a totally innocent friendship, trust your instincts when you saw them together. LTB