Thanks everyone for your comments- it's really appreciated. Our DC are 5 and 10 so both at school during the day. My husband does a couple of days a week at work- which is good for his MH- but that then exacerbates the housework situation. To be clear, the house isn't terrible but it's cluttered as he's not great at putting stuff away / having any sort of organisation. He favours a more practical, utilitarian home- whereas I want a sanctuary with nice decor. I don't want an immaculate home- just alone that isn't chaotic. I find mess and clutter exacerbates my anxiety and overwhelm.
@XChrome - I think there is some sort of ND there- we are in the process of having my son diagnosed and there are definite traits in him that he gets from my DH. But my DH just scoffs at this notion. So then I wonder whether it's just the fact he can't be bothered to try. Which is hurtful.
@DillyDallyingAllDay - the DC are at school so he has spare time to do the housework etc. He's not lazy and is always busy doing something- the issue is that nothing much ever seems to get done. He's a very laid back type- but also very active. He wants to be on the move but struggles to prioritise- so he might be busy with something that doesn't need doing.
@Coolhand2 - this was the plan... and I would say him doing a couple of days a week has been a good thing- but it's casual work that he has to do on a self-employed basis. He's not organised enough to keep track of what work he's done and do a tax self assessment when he needs to. The idea was that I would find him to retrain in an area he's always been interested in- but he's been labouring for someone for 9 months now and is content to just do this without any progression. We could definitely pay a cleaner- but it will be me that has to look for and organise this. He also has 3 days during the working week where he's at home. The issue is more that he can't organise himself, not that he can't do the housework.
@VotesAndGoats - funny you should say this- we have one booked!! She was supposed to come a few months back but had a migraine on the day she was due and couldn't come. Just booked her back in for August. She's done a consultation already and says our house is really not bad at all- which I know it isn't- but it's still cluttered enough that it's affecting my mental health.
@PermanentTemporary - he's a great dad and the kids are well-adjusted. But they see us bickering and don't like it. My take is that we bicker because we don't spend enough quality time together so resentment about small things is left to fester. He and I have a great time when we do stuff together- it's just not a priority for him. Our relationship is bottom of the pile where he's concerned. He channels a lot of energy into the kids and he's fantastic in that regard- he definitely does the lions share of the parenting. But I want him to see that within the family dynamic, our relationship with each other is also important. He says he understands this and wants to make it better- but he struggles to plan ahead and organise any dates. I don't want anything lavish- a bike ride together, the hill walk we did on our first date- that kind of thing. He tells me earnestly that he will, that he understands, that he wants our marriage to work but then.... nothing changes.
Our sex life is non-existent because our kids don't sleep and require a lot of input from us to get to sleep and stay asleep. So invariably we end up each sleep with one of the kids. I've tried to change this by trying to incentivise and encourage them to be more independent. We're making progress but it's small steps. So because we're not physically sharing a bed- sex doesn't happen. I also want to feel valued and appreciated and desired- which I don't. So I don't feel like making love. I'm also no longer taking contraception because after being on the pill most of my adult life, I no longer want to take it. He's resisted getting a vasectomy- mostly because he's not organised enough to book one in. So when we do have sex (rarely) its withdrawal method which I find unfulfilling (without going into too much detail!)
I've tried to change this dynamic- but no matter what I do, we just end up stuck in this rut where daily life takes over and he can't see that our relationship is going down the toilet. I've tried to organise and plan stuff for us to do together- and we have a great time when we do. But it's always me driving it and coming up with suggestions. It's never reciprocated. I just want to feel as though my husband wants to be with me.