I think my marriage is over...

[probateproblems]

My husband of 10 years is a great dad to our two DC. I'm the breadwinner (he's only done casual work since covid- by mutual agreement) and I work hard at a demanding job that pays a good salary. He does the cooking, housework and gets the DC ready for school in the morning. I'm close to burnout because I am sole earner and carry all the mental load. I think my husband probably has ADHD or some form of neurodiversity because he's unable to plan ahead or organise anything (but refuses to even try). I would like a nice home to relax in - but my husband would rather be outdoors. As such, our house is cluttered and chaotic (in my opinion, although not in his). We no longer have anything in common. He falls asleep with the kids so I spend every evening alone. I've given up trying to book dates/ time together because whilst he's a reasonably willing participant- it's always me driving any quality time together. Our sex life is non-existent (for various reasons). He has no drive (other than for exercise) and is extremely passive- preferring me to take the reins in organising anything. I've just learnt tonight that he's going away for a weekend (hobby related) in September with a friend. He's done 3 or 4 of these weekends away in recent years.... but organising a weekend away with me is beyond him. We had counselling Oct- Mar but i stopped paying because he just wasn't making any effort to spend time with me. He says he loves me and doesn't want to split up but I want a husband to do things with, have fun and spend time together as a couple. He just doesn't understand. I'm far from perfect and I worry that I'm expecting too much- is this just what life is like with small kids? I'm not happy and feel we are just house mates who Co-parent.... but am I going to regret calling time on our marriage? I just don't know what to do?

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A pp said couple's therapy can be shite

It's not a miracle cure for a relationship with difficulties and it depends on how committed the couple are in resolving the issues.

A lot of times one of the couple are already checked out when it comes to counselling and it's obvious, they're just coming to tick the box and say they tried. It makes it easier for them to end things.

The therapist is there to listen, guide you, give suggestions and help you communicate and understand each other's feelings/perspectives, but YOU BOTH have to put the work in and take on board what is said.

This sounds really, really difficult OP.

I read it all with a sinking feeling of shame, because I am very similar to your partner. It is a jolt to be reminded of how I'm perceived by the rest of the world! (I'm "lucky" my own partner has ADHD as well as me).

I cannot stress enough how people with ADHD's intentions and actions do not always match up. I love my husband insanely much, he's perfection in my eyes. Yet I'm months late in getting his birthday present. I get so overwhelmed by the task of looking after our children, where deadlines (meal times, bedtimes) do matter, so most other things fall away. My brain resists routine with every fibre of its being!

I'm not saying you ought to put up with your husband. Relationships need to feel like a team. But it might help you to know that the underlying feeling of shame (resulting in avoidance) is really common amongst the other adults with ADHD I've connected with. It usually stems from school. I wonder if it's that feeling - shame that he can never be good enough for you - that is keeping your husband at arms length despite the fact he loves you? If it's not handled carefully, it risks scuppering any engagement with couples' therapy too.

I have this issue with a close family member who sees me as a problem to be fixed. Their heart is in the right place, they are lovely and generous, but I find myself avoiding them because when I'm with them I feel like the bad kid at school who never had their books and hasn't done their homework and can't explain why.

@OuterSpaceCadet - thank you SO MUCH for this message. This is what I need to hear. I really really do think that these issues stem from ADHD- it makes so much sense. He's always resisted any label or diagnosis- probably because he's always got by one way or another and he gets away with a lot from family and friends because he's a genuinely good guy. He's fun to be with, is quirky and energetic. He gets stuck in of something needs doing but he can only live in the here and now. Can't plan anything for the future. He's always struggled with routine- it caused issues when we were first together because he finished work 2 hours before I got home but he wouldn't have thought about what to do for dinner. He's only start to think about it as I got home. Caused massive issues when I was pregnant and hangry!! Last year I wanted him to get a diagnosis so that I can understand it better and look at strategies that we can put in place together. I'm now coming to the conclusion that I don't need a diagnosis- I think it's clear he does have ADHD. So some other posters have recommended books I can read so that I can understand. I don't want to lose my marriage so we have to work it out together.

I've been diagnosed with ADHD and this sounds like me. But I'm not selfish and am open to criticism when I get things wrong, so I can work on my deficiencies.

Your husband sounds thoughtless and selfish. Why does he not listen to your concerns and make an effort to do better? That's what a loving partner should be doing.

Two things that I've noted. Your children are5 and 10 and still not sleeping independently. That is unusual and you will both be sleep deprived. This is bad fot both your MHs.His weekend away for hobby, doubtless someone else organised it hence it will happen. There is no point in wishing he is organised like you. You have to accept him and together work so that you complement each other.

@Elsewhere123 - I don't think it's that unusual. We have friends in similar situations. Undoubtedly we've "made a rod for our backs" with them but we did what was right for them at the time. Both were premature, both like the security of being close to others. It's had a massive impact on our relationship and we're trying to encourage more independence but it's not fixed over night. We paid a sleep consultant to help with our eldest when he was 3 or 4 and we made progress but then Covid hit and we had building work going on at home so he lost his bedroom for a prolonged period and we had to move into alternative accommodation in lockdown. He suffers with anxiety and so he seeks us out in the night. We're making progress, however and reward him when he sleeps through.

@SwordToFlamethrower - he's not thoughtless and selfish at all. He's just different. He shows his love in a different way- for example- he'll get up super early in the winter to defrost my car, heat my seat with a hot water bottle and clear the drive. He shows his love with "acts of service" (if you're familiar with the theory of "love languages") whereas quality time is my love language. I known that his inaction is not due to selfishness - it's a lack of structure and organisation which I struggle to understand because it's so alien to me. He is chaotic, spontaneous and carefree and full of life... whereas I suffer with anxiety if things are efficient and structured and planned. My job exacerbates these tendencies and Im beginning to realise that he simply cant fit the mould im trying to wedge him in to. @OuterSpaceCadet's message really resonated and I think we need to work on it together.

Point taken, covid had huge effect on children that i didnt experience. And he may just be a night owl. I had one similar non sleeper, he's now in his thirties, frequently sleeps 4am to 11am, has anxiety too.