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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He’s always so angry

56 replies

ElliLovesDogs · 06/07/2024 00:17

Weve been together 25 years. We are married but on the rocks. Children (school age). Both work full time. Currently renting.

he drinks daily 4-5 cans a night, more on weekends/holidays. Always in a pissed off mood. I feel like im in the middle of him and the kids. Generally the kids behave for me, i spend a lot of time with them, i feel like a single parent. He never steps up. Its all left to me (food shopping, cleaning, running kids to school/clubs, taking them out to play dates/down the park). Hes either sat at home drinking, meeting mates to catch up at the pub or away with mates drinking over a weekend. He doesn’t think theres an issue here and doesn’t believe hes an alcoholic. All i have to do is ask apparently for anything that needs doing around the house. Ive got the whole mental load. He says his drinking is normal. Hes always been a big drinker. I thought he would rein it in once we had kids, he said as much. Just another empty promise

anyway he knows im not happy, ive raised it before.

tonight one of the kids had been naughty and taken the tv controller and hid it in plain sight. H went mad, im talking swearing at the child, shouting, slamming doors and very aggressive. Then starts on me as apparently i dont discipline them. I was trying to talk rationally and calm to him but then hes swearing at me calling me stuff in front of the child. Its not on. I said hes acting worse than a ten year old. Sorry just need to tell someone as i cant irl

OP posts:
Catoo · 06/07/2024 00:28

I’m sorry you married a twat OP.

Can you start looking into divorce?

Probably should try your absolute best to get his abusive arsehole self away from the DC.

Would he leave if you asked? If not, could you start looking into moving with DC?

💐

Apileofballyhoo · 06/07/2024 00:37

That's abusive, OP. Can you leave?

Pigeonqueen · 06/07/2024 00:38

Your children are being abused and you know this. You need to leave. He’s an alcoholic abusive arsehole.

TealSapphire · 06/07/2024 00:42

Your children will thank you for getting them away from this loser. Don't you want a peaceful house too?

ElliLovesDogs · 06/07/2024 18:25

I would love a peaceful home life. Sometimes i think he blows up just so i will take over what hes doing. Hes not a great role model. Is it really abuse? Ive never thought about it like that before. I dont think he will leave but i feel like i cant carry on waiting for the next situation to explode. It’s ridiculous. He behaves like a child.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 06/07/2024 18:29

It's abuse, please don't put up with this for your children's sake. A man who worked for us drank like this every night. His lovely wife left him. He can't understand why 🙄

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/07/2024 18:31

If you really do want a peaceful home life you need to divorce this man. End of.

What do you get out of this relationship, there must be something in it for you still otherwise why stay?. Have you become incurred to his abuses of you and in turn your children?.

He is certainly no role model for his children to potentially emulate as adults.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/07/2024 18:33

Is this man ever really sober as well?. He appears to be continuously on a comedown from alcohol and he is very volatile. Did you yourself grow up seeing similar?.

ElliLovesDogs · 06/07/2024 18:35

everytime its kicked off, i keep saying to him thats it we need to separate. He just turns everything back to my “poor parenting” and “lack of discipline”. Yeah we have different ways to parent. Mine is to listen, kindness, no shouting. His is old school, he comes first, kids have to fit in with him, he shouts, slams doors and any little thing, kicks off over. Even the mention of our eldests name and me asking him to do something for them eg make some food/give them a lift to friends house, he gets his hackles up and kicks off. I dont know why and i feel for my children growing up with this twat

OP posts:
ElliLovesDogs · 06/07/2024 18:37

I guess at the moment, im a bit worried about being a single mother, but in reality i already am, just with an extra man child to add to the load.

he doesn’t do anything with the children. I feel sad for them. I think its time for some changes x

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/07/2024 18:42

Be brave and seek legal advice re separation and divorce. You’re practically a single parent now anyway as you’re doing the vast majority of the work. With the man child out your lives will settle down into more of a predictable rhythm rather than chaos.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Your children do not need a drunkard parent in their day to day lives either.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/07/2024 18:43

You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

TheaBrandt · 06/07/2024 18:46

The worry is if you stay with him when they grow up they will vote with their feet and you will lose them. They don’t stay young for very long.

HarryKanesDrool · 06/07/2024 18:50

The burning resentment going both ways. No way back Im afraid.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 06/07/2024 18:51

I'd advise you to divorce him. He's neither use nor ornament and your relationship is a terrible example to your DC. Bite the bullet and make a move.

myflightiscancelled · 06/07/2024 18:51

Please reach out to Al anon or similar op. The effects of growing up with an alcoholic last a life time.
al-anonuk.org.uk

pinkyredrose · 06/07/2024 18:52

You need to split. There will be no peace in your house until you do.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 06/07/2024 18:53

Sometimes i think he blows up just so i will take over what hes doing.

Alcoholics will also do this as an excuse to be left alone so they can have another drink. Or go to the pub so they can gave another drink.

moggiek · 06/07/2024 18:55

You know what you need to do. The first step is to stop covering up the situation and tell someone irl what life is like for you.

Saintmariesleuth · 06/07/2024 18:55

Your marriage is over in all but name.
Your husband is an alcoholic. He is verbally abusive to you and your children. I bet you all feel like you're walking on eggshells around him, waiting for him to blow up?

The best thing you can do is leave ASAP. Get support from family and friends. I'd also contact Al-anon who may be able to offer support for you children having an alcoholic parent.

taylorswift1989 · 06/07/2024 19:03

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/07/2024 18:43

You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

This. Protect your kids, OP.

MissionBiscuits · 06/07/2024 19:04

He is an alcoholic and he is abusing you and your kids. I'd be genuinely concerned that one day his verbal explosions might turn physical, it's a fine line. Tell someone IRL, today. Then get yourself sorted and either kick him out or get yourself and the kids out. Don't be afraid to call the police if you don't feel safe. Good luck x

Chocolatecakewithsprinkles · 06/07/2024 19:07

Your kids deserve better!

Elsewhere123 · 06/07/2024 19:09

Al anon for support and legal advice for divorce. It will get worse as the children get older and start challenging teenage behaviour. Protect yourself and them asap.

AnnaMagnani · 06/07/2024 19:14

He will always be useless with the kids, he will never help you, he will spend all your money on drink.

Ultimately he loves the drink more than his kids and more than you.

It's no life OP, as you say you are already doing everything yourself. Please get out.