He’s always so angry

[ElliLovesDogs]

Weve been together 25 years. We are married but on the rocks. Children (school age). Both work full time. Currently renting.

he drinks daily 4-5 cans a night, more on weekends/holidays. Always in a pissed off mood. I feel like im in the middle of him and the kids. Generally the kids behave for me, i spend a lot of time with them, i feel like a single parent. He never steps up. Its all left to me (food shopping, cleaning, running kids to school/clubs, taking them out to play dates/down the park). Hes either sat at home drinking, meeting mates to catch up at the pub or away with mates drinking over a weekend. He doesn’t think theres an issue here and doesn’t believe hes an alcoholic. All i have to do is ask apparently for anything that needs doing around the house. Ive got the whole mental load. He says his drinking is normal. Hes always been a big drinker. I thought he would rein it in once we had kids, he said as much. Just another empty promise

anyway he knows im not happy, ive raised it before.

tonight one of the kids had been naughty and taken the tv controller and hid it in plain sight. H went mad, im talking swearing at the child, shouting, slamming doors and very aggressive. Then starts on me as apparently i dont discipline them. I was trying to talk rationally and calm to him but then hes swearing at me calling me stuff in front of the child. Its not on. I said hes acting worse than a ten year old. Sorry just need to tell someone as i cant irl

I do walk on egg shells. Weekends are the worst. Im just exhausted doing everything with no help. Its frustrating that theres another adult in the house not doing anything. Just sitting watching tv drinking. not getting involved

Im just sick to the back teeth.

i have tried to open up to his parents about this situation. They play it down, “well hes always been a big drinker” yes but being a big drinker at 18 vs in your mid 40s is a bit different, i honestly never thought his big drinking would result in daily nobheadyness. I think they are also worried if we split up that it will fall to them to look after him. I remember his mum saying (like its my problem) that if we split up he could fall deeper into his drinking and lose his job etc. i was just speechless, hes on the verge of losing his family and he cba to do anything about it, yet shes putting it on me that he might go on to ruin his life completely and as his wife i should stop him. No sorry, ive flogged this dead horse for long enough

we do nothing together as a couple. We dont go out together. We dont even talk anymore to be honest. Only what were having for dinner. We really have come to the end of the line.

he swears blind hes not got a problem.

Your only responsibility is to your kids. It's ok to feel compassion towards him because you're not an arsehole, his parents are obviously in denial, but your kids only have you.

His parents are simply glad he is off their hands. You will not get support from them as their loyalty is to their son.

Talking to him about his alcoholism is about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean. He like so many alcoholics is in denial and that is a powerful force.

Again, you have a choice re this man and your children do not. They as well as you cannot afford to grow up in such a toxic and otherwise dysfunctional environment.

you have a choice re this man and your children do not

It’s true, OP. Despite all your care, your DC are having a miserable childhood. And they are learning terrible lessons about how to behave when they are adults. Please rescue them, and yourself. You and DC deserve better.

Not only will he explode again but the explosions will become more frequent and harsher.

Hes been out today drinking watching the euros. Oh hes in a vile mood. Every interaction is a snarling attack. I asked why hes shouting, for the second night in a row, when im standing right in front of him. Ive told him he needs to leave tomorrow. He said no, hes paid half the bills this month, hes staying put

What's your housing situation? Can you pack up and go and stay with family members?

Yes its abuse and yes it will escalate.

Trust me ,leave this man, before he destroy you and your children. Go to a family member, or a friend, just get your clothes, and if you can start up a gain.

My DH is similar. Sympathies to you.

He's an abusive alcoholic. The only sane thing to do is get the hell out of there before he destroys you and your children's mental health. He will likely escalate to hitting you and possibly the children as well.

Does that mean you're renting? If so, that's good, because you won't have to worry about who gets the family home. If he won't leave you can still leave him.

Take the children and leave. Then seek legal advice.
He will destroy your life if you stay with him.

Yes were renting

He’s a drunk. And a nasty one at that. You and your kids deserve so so much better.

I was in a similar situation (mine hadn’t escalated to the same degree but if we had stayed together, I believe it would have). I cannot describe in words how relieved I felt when he finally moved out. I spent a week sighing out loud! DD took a bit of time to adjust but she’s far, far happier now. Financially it’s tight but imagine how much money you’ll save by not buying the beer along with the food shop?! Massive drop in my household bills. You can’t take responsibility for his choices. If he chooses to continue to drink excessively, it’s not your fault. Nothing you can do to change his behaviour. He will only drag you down. XH still drinks excessively. That’s on him.
I’d say the key way to confirm the separation is to insist you want it because you aren’t happy. He can’t argue against your feelings. He can maybe blame you but you need to stand firm. You absolutely need to do this but I think you some clear plans in place first. Things like establishing what’s going to happen with the home. Is it joint tenancy? It might actually be easier to find somewhere else to live than hope he will leave. Good luck, you can do this! You deserve to live in a happy, peaceful home.

I really don’t have anywhere to go. All my family/friends have no spare rooms. My parents aren’t around anymore. Whereas he could go to his brothers (single man with two spare rooms) or his parents (again two spare rooms).

grinds you down this situation does.

Yes this. You children will have trauma from this upbringing. And they will resent you for allow it to continue so long

Womens aid helpline maybe of use. Abuse doesn't have to mean physical violence.

I’m glad you’ve made your decision. Now it’s the planning. Well done on the first step which is reaching out for help and looking at your options.
Would you be able to present him with a plan whereby you take over the bills for your current place? That would be simplest and sounds like that’s the only reason he’s giving for staying at the moment.
Put it in writing. Set a date. Tell him you wish him well but he’s clearly not happy and you will carry on taking responsibility for the children. You will stop doing any housework or shopping for him from that date. Let him be angry.

He's a millstone round your neck. Your children will thank you in the long run, for getting rid of this abusive twat.

When does your lease expire? Are both your names on it? What is the notice period?

Give notice on your rented property. Look for something smaller and more affordable for you and the DC.

Talk to a solicitor about the practicalities.

He can't force you to stay married to him. He can make it difficult and unpleasant for you to leave - it sounds like this is a given - but life will be difficult and unpleasant if you stay. Please do the right thing for yourself and your DC. None of you deserve to be treated like this.

My ex was like this OP. Drinking every night...doing feck all around house or anything...i did it all...he would make hash of the little i asked him to do so id end up doing it..or itd just take him forever. He was emotionally abusive...stonewalling... etc.
After 25 years i left. He never kissed... cuddled..etc..all me..i realised i deserved better. I stayed sadly because of DD and financially at time but that was a mistake...luckily DD is fine...but he never flipped at her like your partner...if he had...i would Definitely have left..or he left

Its like today, ive tried to talk to him about last night etc but he wont have any of it. Hes trued to turn it round to be me who caused it all. Ive asked him to leave and he’s refusing. I guess its going to have to be me to leave then. I need a get out plan. I said, how hes acting is abusive and he laughed in my face with a look that im crazy and walked out the room

I think you should take steps to leave, it sounds a miserable marriage and not any good for the kids. Maybe Citizens Advice can help you. Look forward to your great future without him.