Please read before judging

[Mummyto1mylittleangel]

Hiya,

I've come to mumsnet as I really need some genuine advice, i don't know what to do and the last thing I want is tons of negative comments.. So please think before commenting at the same time I want honesty.

I have an almost 2 year old daughter and I have been seeing this man for almost 1 year, he spends time with me and my child we go away together see family. We do so much, he is basically living with us and he often helps me out if i'm feeling stressed/overstimulated ect.. I love this man he fills a hole i never have experienced I don't think i've ever loved anyone before...so i'm not sure what it's even meant to feel like. All i know is it's a different kinda love to my daughter.

So back story here... me and him go back a good few years back to school time i knew off him but didn't really know him properly. He was best friends with one of my close friends. We started speaking when my daughter was only young, he was the first guy i'd properly shown interest in and interacted with since my ex partner (who was heavily abusive) in multiple ways. I'll spare the details but i'm sure you won't find it hard to imagine. I left him when my daughter was born so as you can imagine meeting someone was scary especially 6 months after leaving him and being free. We wasn't dating or seeing each other it was strictly just friends (and yes a little bit of benefits) but he had no involvement with my daughter at this point. He started spending more and more time together and i realised this guy actually made me happy everything was going perfect for months until i raised the question about being official.

At this point I could see what was coming me being left in a situation-ship or ghosted cos i raised the forbidden topic. Now i won't lie retrospectively looking at it his reaction was very shady, avoided anything to do with becoming official kept saying he didn't want to ruin what we had. Now i may be young but i'm not naive. However, because 98% of the time I was happy with him i chose not to push this anymore and let it roll out. We was then about 6 months in and I raised it again now this time he'd become a lot more emotional and expressed feelings ect... still no talk of relationship at this point i knew something wasn't right.

There was a few things that was making me suspicious but there besides the point of this post. cut a long story short i found out the reason he didn't want to make it official and as expected it was because he was messaging/interacting with other girls now he claims he didn't cross the line of sleeping with them but i guess unless told exclusively by a girl how am i supposed to know!

I felt sick to my stomach and called it off immediately i thought how dare you do this to not only me but my daughter she'd built a relationship with this man soemthing i never expected her to get. He was my peace and my happiness to find out he was entertaining other girls broke my heart. Now before you jump down my neck and say welll you wasn't exclusive ect.. we had both agreed we was going to be loyal take that how you please but i took that as i'm going to be loyal to this man. Which i was.

So he left. we went no contact for 3 weeks, i was ignoring him and not responding to his texts and calls. He then sent me a message which i happened to feel like opening one night (yeah i know bad move) it was a long written message clearly thought gone into it asking to speak to me one evening when my daughter was in bed. He said he never meant for any of this to happen and did not want to hurt me just the problem was he wasn't ready for a relationship and had never caught feelings before. Before you slate this man please understand you do not know him or anything about him only from what i'm saying but there is a lot more depth i'm giving you the outline.

He told me at a point he knew he should've left me cos he would hurt me but he was selfish and didn't want to loose me and just was struggling to break the habit of entertaining other women as that's what he was used to, he's never settled down before.

He came over we spoke for hours and i agreed under certain conditions we could begin to try again, if he was in it for the real and was ready to make changes. He agreed to everything willingly made effort to prove things ect... The thing is believe it or not but i think he has changed from what i have observed either that or he's got really fuxking smart hahah!

But the issue is... I have turned into the biggest psycho ever, I don't believe anything he says i'm constantly looking at his phone waiting to catch him out, i feel like i've almost become clingy cos i feel safe around him but when he's not there I don't. I know loads of you are gonna say without trust no relationship. But this man has actively changed his ways and is doing things to prove he wants me, we are official but i just want to know if it's possible to stop with the parinoia i hate it it's draining and horrible and i feel awful. I love this man a feeling i've never felt in my life and i really just can't let him go i know probably what i should've done when he first messed about but i gave him a chance every body deserves a second chance we all make mistakes and you can tell me otherwise but it's true.

Will these feelings ever subside? Am i being stupid? Is it bad being a psycho i'm just worried that if i push him too much he'll leave. The fact is this man understands why i'm being like i am and has openly admitted the reason to why is because of the way he treated me and he feels awful for it.

So please help me if you have advice.

Just dump him and move on. What does he bring to the table? Does he have his own home? As he moved in with you pretty fast.

Do you work? Talk to people there. Socialise with other women and mothers.

Aww man. That sounds nerve-wracking. I don't blame you, it doesn't sound like it's been long that you've taken him back, so of course he still has to regain your trust. Your nervous system has taken a bit of a battering with the way he's messed you around.

I read once on here that you can never be 100% sure that a man won't let you down. There's nothing he can do to convince you, other than show you by his consistent actions over time. All you can do is see if you can trust yourself to be OK. Don't put all your eggs in his basket. I know that's easier said than done when you're head over heels. But think of what you'd want for your daughter when she's grown up - don't accept less than you would want her to accept. Find that strength from your strength as a mum. Hold your head high and know your worth.

The right relationship would never be this difficult.

Not too experienced in this field so no real advice to give but I think you have trust issues and maybe attachment issues lovely which may be worth getting checked out if you feel it’s affecting your relationships.

from what I read you’ve made a great job of prioritising and protecting your daughter so well done on that front! x

You are not a psycho, you have got good reason to be paranoid and watching him like a hawk. How can this be a happy relationship when you feel like this, and it shouldn't cause this much angst.

Let him go, and find someone you don't have to worry about constantly.

So I think if you’ve made the choice to get back with him then you need to try and give him your trust and not overthink too much.

Although he does have something to prove here though so should be showing via his actions that he is now committed to the relationship.

Watch his actions, don’t listen to his words. People can be great at talking the talk but his actions will show if he can walk the walk.

I don't know what you mean when you say 'being official' - if you're seeing someone and having him spend time with your child, I would assume exclusivity. You have chosen to continue seeing him even after he has been seeing other women behind your back. I can only see insecurity and worry in your future OP - it's not unreasonable not to trust him when he's shown himself to be untrustworthy!

Hiya, he brings a lot to the table he's helped me financially which is nothing really but emotionally this man has done a great deal he's spent hours listening to me picking me up he's never said a negative thing to me once. He's been a real rock for me, so i'm sorry but i'm struggling with what to do because i've never been made to feel such a way. I don't have no family and I don't have many people who understand.

Thank you so much for such a positive helpful comment 💕

But nothings ever smooth sailing in life.. and with this generation people are brought up differently and are living different I wish it was as simple as love and that's it but it's not because of social media and modern day society.

Thank you so much it means a lot!

This is my problem I don't understand why i'm putting up with it maybe because beside what he did the rest of it seemed so perfect and still does in some aspects i'm struggling to let go. Going back to feeling alone and unwanted, all i've ever experienced in my life from men was abuse and because he's shown me things i've never experienced before i feel like km clinging onto it so badly, i just don't know how to let go, the issue as well is i truly never thought i'd find someone now i had my daughter and seeing the way he is with her does something else in my heart as it's something i never thought my daughter would experience.

I just feel like no matter what I won't be able to trust him but letting him go seems so hard I'm at a cross roads right now and i really don't know what to do

I think you should break up, be single for a while (not just a few months), focus on yourself and your daughter, and get some counselling - as both this and your previous relationship are extremely unhealthy.

However, I suspect you won’t like that advice.

You can never be completely sure that he has changed his ways. His past behaviour has caused you to feel paranoid and this is not healthy for you or your child.
You got into to a relationship with him when your daughter was very young and you need to feel very sure he is the sort of man you want as a role model for her.
If there's any doubt in your mind l would suggest you end things as the lack of trust is making you anxious and unhappy. At the very least seek therapy to help with your conflicted feelings.

Lots of relationships are really that simple. Mine certainly is. Met, dated, fell in love, got married. No cheating, no situationships, no drama. It’s genuinely not uncommon, OP.

You made the right choice when you dumped him and should have stuck with it. Sorry to be blunt but your priority right now should be your daughter, not this chump.

Your ex was abusive so I understand that someone who is not abusing you must seem like a dream man and all this other fluffy stuff you're saying, but in reality this man is a user who was quite happy to use you for sex and cheat on you (because let's be real here that's what he did, all the vagueness around exclusivity is just him trying to worm his way out of it) with no consideration for your OR your daughter's feelings.

Good relationships are not this much hard work. You, and your child, deserve better than this.

Just make sure you have your birth control in place! This one ain’t a keeper!!!!!

Hi oh bless you. It's so hard navigating relationships these days with the internet more people are having more trouble than ever before with cheating partners. Unfortunately you can't really trust him with the online stuff because he's already done it but if he's showing you his phone etc he must be either better at hiding it or being straight now. Trust your gut id normally say but your minds in overdrive you possibly need therapy to help you deal with your paranoia and your past relationship gp can refer it or find someone. My concern is the fact that your defending this man at every turn before anyone has commented that sounds like trauma bonding and maybe in connection with the previous relationship this guy might well be a real devious person if say you haven't built your confidence and had therapy before entering a new relationship sounds like you could be at risk here for a pattern. In my opinion after an abusive relationship you should be alone for at least a couple of years. Unfortunately you will push him away being so obsessive it will literally kill the relationship. You really have to get ok with the past ie forgive him then trust him and move on, or let go and sort yourself out building confidence. Sounds like you need to be alone with your daughter for a while prioritise her and you. X sorry not much help but trust me on being alone and finding you and your strength therapy can be really good with the right therapist x

I think it is still the same today but you get what you accept. You need to have clearly defined boundaries and stick to them. I'd be quite upset if I thought either DS had messed a child around. He shouldn't have played happy families with you and your DC unless he was committed to your relatioship. No wonder you have trust issues.
DS1 is almost 30, recently married with no children. They've been together 12 years. DS2 has been with his girlfriend for a couple of years. They don't live together. I don't see any difference with them than with my relationship with their DF Over 30 years ago. What I do see in some today is they seem to race through life stages. Slow down would be my advice to you and only accept complete respect and equality in any mate.

I think the best thing to do is move on from this man. He has wanted to play happy families with you while still keeping his options open to other women. That’s why you rightly can’t trust him and you’ll drive yourself mad with it.

This ‘relationship’ does not make you feel secure and protected. In fact, the opposite: it makes you doubt yourself and has you questioning everything. You might miss him and grieve what could have been, so give yourself the time and space to do that. But you have a great set of values and your instincts are correct, so you are dead right to see him for what he is.

I think he's likely to cheat again, and you know it.
This is unfortunate and it's the reason you're constantly waiting for him to make a wrong move.

You split up with him for very good reasons. I think you're going to have to end it again because you don't trust him.

I wouldn't trust him either.

Exactly. And when you’ve had some therapy, been single for a considerable amount of time, and start dating again, don’t let them meet your daughter for a minimum of eighteen months. Don’t move them in.

And no, relationships haven’t fundamentally changed because of social media.

It's normal not to trust him. It's not psycho to react the way you have. What you are doing is relationship policing, constantly looking for signs he's at it again. It's no way to live. He broke your trust and you are unlikely to get it back. So rather than live in such a stressful situation, end it.
Seriously, this level of stress and anxiety can affect your health. That's unfair to your daughter. She needs a mom who is at the best you can be, not a mom filled with anxiety.

You know in your gut that he's probably going to do it again. Listen to those instincts instead of talking yourself out of it.