Hiya,
I've come to mumsnet as I really need some genuine advice, i don't know what to do and the last thing I want is tons of negative comments.. So please think before commenting at the same time I want honesty.
I have an almost 2 year old daughter and I have been seeing this man for almost 1 year, he spends time with me and my child we go away together see family. We do so much, he is basically living with us and he often helps me out if i'm feeling stressed/overstimulated ect.. I love this man he fills a hole i never have experienced I don't think i've ever loved anyone before...so i'm not sure what it's even meant to feel like. All i know is it's a different kinda love to my daughter.
So back story here... me and him go back a good few years back to school time i knew off him but didn't really know him properly. He was best friends with one of my close friends. We started speaking when my daughter was only young, he was the first guy i'd properly shown interest in and interacted with since my ex partner (who was heavily abusive) in multiple ways. I'll spare the details but i'm sure you won't find it hard to imagine. I left him when my daughter was born so as you can imagine meeting someone was scary especially 6 months after leaving him and being free. We wasn't dating or seeing each other it was strictly just friends (and yes a little bit of benefits) but he had no involvement with my daughter at this point. He started spending more and more time together and i realised this guy actually made me happy everything was going perfect for months until i raised the question about being official.
At this point I could see what was coming me being left in a situation-ship or ghosted cos i raised the forbidden topic. Now i won't lie retrospectively looking at it his reaction was very shady, avoided anything to do with becoming official kept saying he didn't want to ruin what we had. Now i may be young but i'm not naive. However, because 98% of the time I was happy with him i chose not to push this anymore and let it roll out. We was then about 6 months in and I raised it again now this time he'd become a lot more emotional and expressed feelings ect... still no talk of relationship at this point i knew something wasn't right.
There was a few things that was making me suspicious but there besides the point of this post. cut a long story short i found out the reason he didn't want to make it official and as expected it was because he was messaging/interacting with other girls now he claims he didn't cross the line of sleeping with them but i guess unless told exclusively by a girl how am i supposed to know!
I felt sick to my stomach and called it off immediately i thought how dare you do this to not only me but my daughter she'd built a relationship with this man soemthing i never expected her to get. He was my peace and my happiness to find out he was entertaining other girls broke my heart. Now before you jump down my neck and say welll you wasn't exclusive ect.. we had both agreed we was going to be loyal take that how you please but i took that as i'm going to be loyal to this man. Which i was.
So he left. we went no contact for 3 weeks, i was ignoring him and not responding to his texts and calls. He then sent me a message which i happened to feel like opening one night (yeah i know bad move) it was a long written message clearly thought gone into it asking to speak to me one evening when my daughter was in bed. He said he never meant for any of this to happen and did not want to hurt me just the problem was he wasn't ready for a relationship and had never caught feelings before. Before you slate this man please understand you do not know him or anything about him only from what i'm saying but there is a lot more depth i'm giving you the outline.
He told me at a point he knew he should've left me cos he would hurt me but he was selfish and didn't want to loose me and just was struggling to break the habit of entertaining other women as that's what he was used to, he's never settled down before.
He came over we spoke for hours and i agreed under certain conditions we could begin to try again, if he was in it for the real and was ready to make changes. He agreed to everything willingly made effort to prove things ect... The thing is believe it or not but i think he has changed from what i have observed either that or he's got really fuxking smart hahah!
But the issue is... I have turned into the biggest psycho ever, I don't believe anything he says i'm constantly looking at his phone waiting to catch him out, i feel like i've almost become clingy cos i feel safe around him but when he's not there I don't. I know loads of you are gonna say without trust no relationship. But this man has actively changed his ways and is doing things to prove he wants me, we are official but i just want to know if it's possible to stop with the parinoia i hate it it's draining and horrible and i feel awful. I love this man a feeling i've never felt in my life and i really just can't let him go i know probably what i should've done when he first messed about but i gave him a chance every body deserves a second chance we all make mistakes and you can tell me otherwise but it's true.
Will these feelings ever subside? Am i being stupid? Is it bad being a psycho i'm just worried that if i push him too much he'll leave. The fact is this man understands why i'm being like i am and has openly admitted the reason to why is because of the way he treated me and he feels awful for it.
So please help me if you have advice.