Please read before judging

[Mummyto1mylittleangel]

Hiya,

I've come to mumsnet as I really need some genuine advice, i don't know what to do and the last thing I want is tons of negative comments.. So please think before commenting at the same time I want honesty.

I have an almost 2 year old daughter and I have been seeing this man for almost 1 year, he spends time with me and my child we go away together see family. We do so much, he is basically living with us and he often helps me out if i'm feeling stressed/overstimulated ect.. I love this man he fills a hole i never have experienced I don't think i've ever loved anyone before...so i'm not sure what it's even meant to feel like. All i know is it's a different kinda love to my daughter.

So back story here... me and him go back a good few years back to school time i knew off him but didn't really know him properly. He was best friends with one of my close friends. We started speaking when my daughter was only young, he was the first guy i'd properly shown interest in and interacted with since my ex partner (who was heavily abusive) in multiple ways. I'll spare the details but i'm sure you won't find it hard to imagine. I left him when my daughter was born so as you can imagine meeting someone was scary especially 6 months after leaving him and being free. We wasn't dating or seeing each other it was strictly just friends (and yes a little bit of benefits) but he had no involvement with my daughter at this point. He started spending more and more time together and i realised this guy actually made me happy everything was going perfect for months until i raised the question about being official.

At this point I could see what was coming me being left in a situation-ship or ghosted cos i raised the forbidden topic. Now i won't lie retrospectively looking at it his reaction was very shady, avoided anything to do with becoming official kept saying he didn't want to ruin what we had. Now i may be young but i'm not naive. However, because 98% of the time I was happy with him i chose not to push this anymore and let it roll out. We was then about 6 months in and I raised it again now this time he'd become a lot more emotional and expressed feelings ect... still no talk of relationship at this point i knew something wasn't right.

There was a few things that was making me suspicious but there besides the point of this post. cut a long story short i found out the reason he didn't want to make it official and as expected it was because he was messaging/interacting with other girls now he claims he didn't cross the line of sleeping with them but i guess unless told exclusively by a girl how am i supposed to know!

I felt sick to my stomach and called it off immediately i thought how dare you do this to not only me but my daughter she'd built a relationship with this man soemthing i never expected her to get. He was my peace and my happiness to find out he was entertaining other girls broke my heart. Now before you jump down my neck and say welll you wasn't exclusive ect.. we had both agreed we was going to be loyal take that how you please but i took that as i'm going to be loyal to this man. Which i was.

So he left. we went no contact for 3 weeks, i was ignoring him and not responding to his texts and calls. He then sent me a message which i happened to feel like opening one night (yeah i know bad move) it was a long written message clearly thought gone into it asking to speak to me one evening when my daughter was in bed. He said he never meant for any of this to happen and did not want to hurt me just the problem was he wasn't ready for a relationship and had never caught feelings before. Before you slate this man please understand you do not know him or anything about him only from what i'm saying but there is a lot more depth i'm giving you the outline.

He told me at a point he knew he should've left me cos he would hurt me but he was selfish and didn't want to loose me and just was struggling to break the habit of entertaining other women as that's what he was used to, he's never settled down before.

He came over we spoke for hours and i agreed under certain conditions we could begin to try again, if he was in it for the real and was ready to make changes. He agreed to everything willingly made effort to prove things ect... The thing is believe it or not but i think he has changed from what i have observed either that or he's got really fuxking smart hahah!

But the issue is... I have turned into the biggest psycho ever, I don't believe anything he says i'm constantly looking at his phone waiting to catch him out, i feel like i've almost become clingy cos i feel safe around him but when he's not there I don't. I know loads of you are gonna say without trust no relationship. But this man has actively changed his ways and is doing things to prove he wants me, we are official but i just want to know if it's possible to stop with the parinoia i hate it it's draining and horrible and i feel awful. I love this man a feeling i've never felt in my life and i really just can't let him go i know probably what i should've done when he first messed about but i gave him a chance every body deserves a second chance we all make mistakes and you can tell me otherwise but it's true.

Will these feelings ever subside? Am i being stupid? Is it bad being a psycho i'm just worried that if i push him too much he'll leave. The fact is this man understands why i'm being like i am and has openly admitted the reason to why is because of the way he treated me and he feels awful for it.

So please help me if you have advice.

Nothing is ever smooth sailing and love isn't all you need, but in the early days of a relationship it should be easy and happy and not him messaging oher women behind your back. Having said that though, if you want to give this a try you need to find a way to stop that behaviour, relationships can't survive like that. You need to be all in or completely out of it. If you want to give it a go Id try to make a conscious decision to shut that behaviour down.
When you want to check his phone or you're thinking I can't believe him, remind yourself you're giving this a go and to do so you can't act on that. Giving in to the fear by checking his phone or acting like he's untrustworthy actually makes the fear/anxiety worse, it makes your brain think there's a valid issue, the behaviour reinforces the anxiety/paranoia. If you can stop yourself doing these things sometimes you should start to feel a bit less anxious around it and build on that, but it does take time. Personally I think you should through this one back, but sounds like you're going to give it a go anyway so you might as well do everything you can to minimise the cost to you of doing so.

Well he's given you no reason to trust him and to me he still sounds shady.

Without trust you have no relationship.

Just end it and move on.

There’s a child involved and she deserves a lot more than a skilled chancer who talks a good talk. BTW, this is not a generational thing, sleazy men who think they are entitled to cast their net far and wide have are not a new phenomenon.

Your heart wants to believe this man but your gut and head have good reason not to trust him. It very much sounds like you will tie yourself in knots trying to keep a man who has betrayed your trust, good luck with that.

THIS OP!!

However, you do you and if you feel you want to pursue a relationship then you are 100% NOT a 'psycho' just someone understandbly struggling with trust issues after what this man has put you through.

I would suggest you talk to a cousellor about your feelings and they can help you address what you really want and if this relationship is for you.

Also you and DP can go to relationship counselling. Good luck OP.

You are an adult you have choices, your child doesn't and using him for money is not the answer nor is going on to do it again

incorrect i do like that advice it's real i'm not here for people to lie to me my judgment is clouded by emotions right now i just need guidance

Guidance is to leave but you won't to listen to that

Thank you so much my judgment is so clouded right now i just needed an outside perspective that wasn't going to berate me so thanks for that xx

I am not using him for money i'm just saying he's helped me a lot because when he'd been around me around 10 months he'd noticed I was experiencing money difficulties which i'd been hiding.. Idc about money as long as my daughter has clean fitted clothes, a roof and a bed, food and water and is happy that's all i care about

You seem to have developed an anxious attachment style where you describe this man as your peace and happiness which is a concern in itself. You are desperate to be with him, and he seems to be your be all and end all, which is really unhealthy, and that’s now coupled with the fact you’re jealous and insecure , maybe with good reason, but the whole dynamic is deeply unhealthy and really not good for you.

its not going to get better I’m afraid,

Focus your time, money and energy on your Daughter rather than a cheating man

You don’t feel good in this relationship so you shouldn’t be in it. Don’t stay with him to spare his feelings.
Just get him out of your life and go no contact for good.

The reason you feel like this is because of how he has behaved towards you. He has shattered your trust. Your past doesn’t help, but he knew about it so he should have ensured you are loved, cared for and looked after. Instead he took advantage of you.

He may be all nice now, promising change etc but he doesn’t get to decide if the relationship continues. It doesn’t matter if he has good intentions now. It’s too late.
Understandably, you can’t trust him. If you stay with him you will always be wondering what he’s up to behind your back.Youll end up a wreck and a shadow of yourself. Your dd will notice as she’s growing up and will think it’s normal.

Leave him and be on your own. Focus on you and your daughter. Teach her it’s better to be alone than in the wrong relationship.
Teach her that it’s not ok for a man to treat you bad and you stay in the relationship anyway.Teach her that if a man treats you badly he doesn’t get a second chance.

Look up The Freedom Programme, to allow you to notice red flags in future relationships. Have some counselling, focus on self esteem.

As pp said, no, relationships haven’t changed due to social media.Did he tell you that by any chance ?

You had some big clues about this man’s character right from the start. His interest in a lonely vulnerable single mum might not be as heroic as you think. He didn’t want to commit, has never settled down and has been happy lying to you and cheating on you. He sounds emotionally unavailable and avoidant and the recent revelations show that you don’t know him as well as you thought you did. He has taken advantage of you in a horrific way.

You feel the way you do because you’ve had an attatchment injury. Your nervous system is on high alert for any signs of coming betrayal and it might feel like you need him around to not feel like this. Don’t mistake these feelings for love because they are not. He is not the cure for these feelings, he is the cause of them.

At this point I could see what was coming me being left in a situation-ship or ghosted cos i raised the forbidden topic

It’s not normal to ghost someone for raising that topic. The fact you were concerned about this shows you knew deep down he wasn’t as attached to you as he claimed he was. You really need to be honest with yourself and ask yourself why an emotionally avoidant partner was so appealing to you.

The important thing when dating with a DC is to keep your independence and maintain some distance between your DC and your BF. That way, if things don't work out, its less of a wrench for everyone.
The way I see it, is if a DP is messing about with someone else, the signs will show themselves in time. Jealousy is a pointless emotion, if a man can't be loyal then that is their problem and shows they aren't good enough.
Searching through phones all the time isn't healthy, or easy. If something is going on elsewhere there are often other signs, like being less available, and changing arrangements more frequently, making excuses not to meet, or not committing as he initially did.

Be wary. Men like this often make themselves very helpful and ingratiate themselves with your family just so it’s harder to leave them when they behave badly. Even now you are loath to hold him accountable for his bad behaviour because of how nicely he treats your daughter. You need to realistic about what he’s offering, he wants you in his life but he will cheat, he will just learn to hide it better. If it suits him he will walk out of you and your child’s life without looking back.

Let this one go OP.

Pack his stuff and tell him he needs to go back to his own place for a few weeks as you want time on your own with DC.

You’ll feel all your anxiety disappear overnight.

You're in distress because you know he’s not to be trusted and you are overriding your instincts in order to cling on.

Be single for a good while. Make being happy -just you and DC - a priority.

It isn’t true that women have to put up with sleazy men in the age of social media. Some men have always been sleazy. We avoided those men before social media and we avoid them now.

The trust has gone and you are on high alert for signs he’s seeing other women again. Do you think you can trust him again?

I'm sorry @Mummyto1mylittleangel but this man is never going to be the partner and step dad you want him to be.

He is already draining your attention and emotion that should be focused on your very young child.

Spend some time alone. Do the freedom programme and put being a present mum ahead of a traumatic relationship.

Caught feelings? Bloody hell.

All this exclusive, official nonsense.

Block and delete him. Don't settle or compromise again. Don't ket your dd meet them until a very very long time.

This is patronising and ridiculous.

You say this man has done a lot for you, but he has also hurt you and turned you into someone who is paranoid and afraid to trust. He was pretty much living with you yet he was cheating on you, he says he didn't have sex with the other women but you don't believe him. Just because he has a nice side and has been good to you doesn't mean you have to accept all the other shit. He isn't special, he is just another bloke who can't commit, you and your little girl deserve better.

Don't let him move in with you, tell him you need time and space. Meet up with him once or twice a week, if he is genuine he will understand.

Leopards don’t change their spots, they just get better at camouflaging them.

Clearly think about your wants and needs, what you find acceptable and what you do not. Ask him to think about and tell you what his wants/ needs. Then discuss together. If there are plenty of things in common, give it a go. If he subsequently violates something important to you then you will know the relationship won't work.

As I get older I have learned to trust my gut.

Your gut is telling you, HAS BEEN telling you that something is off, this whole time.

A relationship shouldn't be this difficult.

A relationship is also not a prize bestowed by a man on a woman foe behaving the way he wants her to. He isn't doing you any favours by deigning to let other people know about you, and you're not doing yourself any favours driving yourself insane.

Time to extricate yourself from this mess, and focus on yourself for a while. Like, why do you accept the crumbs of someone's affection when you're worth more than that? What do men like this say and do that weakens you, and how could you guard against it in future?