Needing some help on a tricky situation - involving a child and emotional abuse

[Thislittlepiggylikeschocolate]

Hi
I'm in a really hard situation. In a nutshell left P due to coercive control.
Problems now with him and DS16. Belittling and criticism.
They are meant to be going on away tomorrow for a week and DS is dreading it (nothing precooked, but food etc bought)..
DS cannot face going- and has tried to phone his dad to say. And ended up backing down. I phoned as DS in a real state of fear...and have had ExP in tears on the phone.
I feel so conflicted, but feel I need to protect my son.

Nothing precooked that was meant to be. As in nothing paid for

At 16 your son is old enough to decide if he does not want to see his dad but needs to tell him himself . Other wise you will be blamed as the messenger is nearly always shot .

If DS is 16 then ultimately it is his choice. It’s not your responsibility to enable his relationship with his Dad. You can be supportive if that’s what DS wants, but if he doesn’t then you should also support him to make that decision.

Yes I appreciate that. He has tried but there is fear and he backs down.

I don't mind what his dad says to me. My son has been through a tough time with his dad and is totally exhausted

@Yetanothernamechangeagain This is what I am trying to do, support my son

I've had his dad in tears on the phone saying I can't do this to him and there will be catastrophic consequences if I don't get my son to him by 8 tomorrow morning

Call the police for a welfare check. Don't send your son into that.

There is going to be some dripfeeding here as I couldn't gave typing the whole situation
Did you mean send the police to my ex?

I actually made a 101 call yesterday as I had a feeling a tricky situation might arise, and took DS down to the station. They just offered advice on calling 999 if his dad was violent (not the case) and have referred to MASH

@NeverDropYourMooncup I don't think his dad was threatening suicide. Though has done that in the past (to DS)

What do you think he meant by “catastrophic consequences” and did you tell the Police about that statement?

I'm not sure what he meant....I was thinking it might have been taking me to court over access?
I saw the police before he said this. I did tell the police about his previous suicide threat to DS (when he was 15)

Well if he's crying and threatening something catastrophic, it sounds more like a fake attempt to end his life and traumatise your son by making him think its his fault, rather than 'I'm going to phone a solicitor who will tell me he's 16 and not to be so bloody ridiculous'.

I don’t think he would have any luck going to court over access to a 16 year old. Do you have any younger DC together?

I think you may be right
I've told my son he doesn't have to go...they are going on a boat. The 2 of them.

I would take the decision off your son to protect his mental health.

Tell ex that DS doesn't wish to come and to stop with the emotional blackmail.

Block your ex from being able to contact your DS.

Speak to DS about having a shared form of communication so that you see everything ex is writing to him?

I wouldn’t send your son on a boat alone with an unstable father who makes threats of catastrophe. The son is terrified. Keep him at home.

This x a million

My DS's mental health is already in a bad place
I need some inner strength it's exhausting 😩

I've told DS he doesn't have to go
Will have to text his dad again in the morning. Which I am dreading

Your poor lad! I think you'll have to say to DP something like

I can hear you're very upset about this but it's not me 'doing it to you', our ds really doesn't want to come. I'm not going to try to force him at his age and I don't think it'd be good for either of you to try this time. Your mentioning catastrophic consequences makes me think you mean harming yourself and I'm certainly not sending DS over into that situation. For tonight, accept the trip is off, and tomorrow look into ways to move forward, like therapy for each of you so you can work on building a better relationship in the future. Both of you are so unhappy and unable to be together happily right now and as DS's mum I can't see a way of making this trip work for him yet.

That's the sort of thing I'd be thinking about sending to your ex, and then reassuring your ds that you won't push him to go but you do really think counselling is needed to get his head round his relationship with his dad.

Hope you and your boy are get through the next few days ok, I imagine they'll be tough on you. 💐💐💐

The inner strength is telling DS he isn't going as his Dad is acting in an unstable way,

Will DS let you have his phone and temporarily block his Dad?

Send the message and then block him on your phone and his.

@IntriguingFactJumble
That's an excellent text. I tries to say similar on the phone but it didn't come across well.

Yes maybe

OP you are going to have to be the parent here and do what's best for your child.
Make the call, tell your ex that ds doesn't want to go. Back your boy up.
There won't be any legal repercussions,your ds is old enough to choose whether to have contact with his father or not.
Take the pressure off your ds,don't make him call. You can do it on his behalf.
I actually think this trip might even be dangerous considering the state of your ex's mental health.
Don't let him go,for safety's sake,and for your ds own mental health.
Make that call .

Excellent message @IntriguingFactJumble !

I agree op send that.

Is he likely to come to your door to try and talk to you or your ds?