Needing some help on a tricky situation - involving a child and emotional abuse

[Thislittlepiggylikeschocolate]

Hi
I'm in a really hard situation. In a nutshell left P due to coercive control.
Problems now with him and DS16. Belittling and criticism.
They are meant to be going on away tomorrow for a week and DS is dreading it (nothing precooked, but food etc bought)..
DS cannot face going- and has tried to phone his dad to say. And ended up backing down. I phoned as DS in a real state of fear...and have had ExP in tears on the phone.
I feel so conflicted, but feel I need to protect my son.

@Iamawomenphenominally this is a possibility.
He will be furious tomorrow..I will text early

Lots of people chatting about dad’s mental health. What about the boys mental health.
i would tell dad that all of a sudden 7 days just the two of them on a boat us just too much fir him to cope with.

@Ahlovetoloveyoubaby yes that's it. Just too much time isolated with his dad, when behaviour can be unpredictable.
I heard him asking his dad if they could just go for 3/4 days instead

And obviously now he doesn't want to go at all
I think he's scared

Then tell him he absolutely does not have to go and that you will deal with all the fallout from that choice. Tell him that he can block his father.
Then you deal with it by texting ex that son is not going, followed by immediately blocking ex. Don't explain, don't argue, don't try to manage his reaction. Just block the inevitable shitstorm of texts and phone calls.

There is no reason you or your son should ever have to talk to or be around this lunatic again. Put on your big girl pants and put your foot down. This is your precious son, being emotionally abused by a bully. Fuck that. He doesn't need this man in his life.

100 times this. This is absolutely chilling OP and you must protect your son.

Crikey, I feel for you and your son, an awkward situation.

You do right in not making him go.
Stay strong and I hope this morning goes as well as it can.

I've sent the message
Woke up feeling utterly sick.

Sick but relieved?

You did the right thing for your DS.

Hope you both get some rest and recuperation after this emotional rollercoaster.

I'm so scared

@Thislittlepiggylikeschocolate
Stay strong, you've done the right thing, if he turns up don't answer the door, any trouble just phone the police.
I'll be thinking about you ❤️

Well done OP for protecting your boy. Focus now on how relieved your son will be, ex is not your problem. He needs to take responsibility for managing his own emotions and then his son will want to go on holiday with him. I've found the less contact my dd has with her dad, the happier she is. Your son should consider a break from his dad to see how he feels. Sometimes ties are better off cut.

@itsgoingtobeabumpyride that is what my user name should be!
Yes willing to phone the police. But also feeling dreadful as his dad sounds distraught and sent a worrying message
(END) to me and the phone has been off since 😩

Be strong for your boy and don't give in to the emotional blackmail. If you're genuinely worried, call the police for a welfare check on your ex.

What are you scared of?

OP, if he’s making threats against you and your DS then call the police. Do the same if he is threatening suicide.

The father is being emotionally abusive and doesn't care that it impacts his son. Your job is to look after your son not your ex. Well done for doing this. He can go to court but you did what was absolutely correct in this situation: listening to your son, addressing his fears, keeping him away from a potentially dangerous situation.

Stay strong.

Honestly block him on your phone and your sons. I understand your fear, my ex was coercively controlling and my boys are being affected but you are still under his power here. You still feel responsible for his feelings and you are not!! You have to make a choice, you and your boy or him? If you pick him as a priority then the two of you are fucked. You are not responsible for his feelings or actions even if that means he tries to commit suicide. Putting yourself first feels wrong as you have been conditioned to put the abuser first. You tell him clearly, factually, boy is not going as he is scared and does not want to. Boy needs space and time to breathe and put himself first and heal. If he wishes further contact then instruct a solicitor. Then block block block. Both your nervous systems will be shot to bits. I know it's not easy, you feel the constant fear just hanging over you but once he can't get to you that will lessen. This is complex trauma. I can do it so can you

I'm scared for many reasons.

1. He may actually harm himself, and the repercussions of this would be awful
2. That he will arrive here in an emotional state wanting to see DS
3. How on earth we move on from here

Lack of sleep I'm sure makes things worse although it feels a bit better in daylight

Well done. His behaviour is following a clear pattern of abusive/coercive behaviour. He's just trying all the tricks to manipulate you and your ds into doing what he wants.

Crying - a trick to get your sympathy.

"Catastrophic consequences " - a threat to scare you.

If you realise, and can show ds, that these are just tricks, you will become less scared.

I was in an identical position and ds (16) chose limited contact with my ex. He can manage a few hours, every few months. He has thrived and is so much better for it.

Boundaries in place, stay strong. You will feel exhausted and triggered today, but you've done the right thing x100.

If he is threatening to harm himself that is possibly coming from one of two places. Either he is genuinely struggling with his mental health, or he is using it to control you and ds.

Either way, the best way to deal with this is to report it each time he says it for a welfare check, and don’t send ds into a situation with a suicidal adult.

If it’s true you’re responding appropriately and taking it seriously. If it’s control you’re removing that control by passing it on to the authorities.

Just out of interest, when he said it to ds at 15 was that also in response to ds not doing what he wanted?

Call the police to do a welfare check on him now.

If he arrives wanting to see ds, do not leave them alone, but also do not let ds agree to go anywhere with him right now.

Not sure how you move on - counselling for ds maybe?

Awful to have a parent who not only criticizes and belittles you, but also threatens stuff when they don't get their own way. Very damaging for ds's self-esteem.

If you’re worried about him turning up at the house can you take ds out for the day? Perhaps phrased as “let’s go to x to take your mind off it”

My ex was hyper critical of our teenage son . Told him if he went out in Covid he could kill him as he has COPD. He drank too much and attacked our son so we had to leave . It’s taken a few years for our son to recover mentally and he is now adult He sees his dad very rarely and on his own terms . His dad suffers with depression and recently had an “episode” DS told his older sibling he wouldn’t go an see his dad. Please protect your son’s wellbeing as the effects can be far reaching. I bitterly regret nit getting my son out sooner. Tell ex that he won’t be going .

Get the police to do a welfare check on him.