Needing some help on a tricky situation - involving a child and emotional abuse

[Thislittlepiggylikeschocolate]

Hi
I'm in a really hard situation. In a nutshell left P due to coercive control.
Problems now with him and DS16. Belittling and criticism.
They are meant to be going on away tomorrow for a week and DS is dreading it (nothing precooked, but food etc bought)..
DS cannot face going- and has tried to phone his dad to say. And ended up backing down. I phoned as DS in a real state of fear...and have had ExP in tears on the phone.
I feel so conflicted, but feel I need to protect my son.

If the worrying message implies self harm. Contact the police for a welfare check to youe ex.

I'd get out nice and early
take your son out for the day so you arent at the house / your ex cant cause drama or traumatise his son more.

ago for a nice coffee & pastry or brunch somewhere.
Then
Maybe go d
somewhere different?
a town an hour away and do some shopping get lunch
A leisure centre, swimming might be a good shout
A gaming arcade (something like the one on camden near the lock)
A theme park
National trust
Cinema
Anything....

If you need to, call in sick to work and keep him off school.

I wouldnt usually suggest it but as a one off in these unusal circs its fine.

Threat of suicide when DS was 15 was due to some tools he had left lying around. This escalated into a rant about how I was bringing him up. And an even longer rant about how DS was turning out made him want to end his life.
DS has been seeing a counsellor who has made him realise he has choices in his life. He is now at an age where he is pushing back. Counsellor is amazing, but all this happened so late last night that I needed a bit of a push to do the right thing.

One thing my sister said a few days ago is..what will DS remember from this in years to come.

1. I sent him off to his dad when he didn't want to and was scared
2. I had his back

Sorry I know this is a bit more of a drip feed 😔

Sweetie, it's not your responsibility. He effectively fired you from the job of caring about his welfare when he abused you.
Your job is caring about your son's welfare and your own. Full stop.
You did the right thing by not sending DS to his father. Don't weaken because ex is playing these mind games. It's exactly what he wants you to do. You are not his mother. You are not his wife. You are not his friend. You are a person he has abused who rightfully wants nothing more to do with him. He continues to try to abuse you and your son and he doesn't get to do that.
His feelings and his crazy behaviour are not your problem anymore.

During the course of my work I deal with lots of child protection records. One of the things that I was surprised to find is that "failure to protect" is a thing - so for example, where one parent lets a child get into a car with a drunk parent driving just to avoid an argument or because they simply cba, or something like that. So OP, you are most certainly not guilty of "failure to protect". Well done you, you've done the right thing.

Thank you @ReachedEndofTether

I am rooting for you and your son. His dad sounds really manipulative with all his threats if he doesn't get his way.

So proud you are standing up for your son. I think that the both of you will come out stronger on the other side of this. But I understand that it must be very hard.

The only way your Ex knows to have a relationship is by control, he can't accept you've moved on so now he's using the same tactics on your DS. If you could see your ex clearly you'd see a sad man incapable of real love who has to blackmail his own son to see him. He only has power if you give it to him @Thislittlepiggylikeschocolate , your boy is old enough to refuse contact and no court would make him go.
Be strong, get some talking therapy, one day you'll see him as he is, not strong and controlling but damaged and not yiur problem.

Op please tell your ds YOU are saying he can't go. Take the burden off him. Def not on a bloody boat!
Block exes number on ds's phone. Don't allow ex to mess with his head. His df's mh is his own to manage. Not his 16 yo dc...

And go out for the day. It will distract you both and you won't have to be fearful of ex turning up.

If he does self harm, that's not down to you or ds. Your ex is a free man with autonomy to do as he wishes. If he had been a decent father, you wouldn't even be in this situation.
This is all down to him so never think you or ds are responsible for anything he does.

You’re a great mother and your son knows you’ve got his back. Whatever the ex does is on him

Well done OP. I agree with all the other posters suggesting a welfare check. This will really put him off future suicide threats and show him not to mess with you if he's just being manipulative (and get him help if it's genuine). Good luck today

Well done OP. I get how scared you are and how scared your DS feels. My ex has the same impact on my DD and Im dreading the day I have to do similar. When we went to mediation I was shaking for two days after telling him if he wanted 50/50 he'd have to take me to court. My DD was terrified he'd get that, but also wants to spend some time with him within the bounds of what she feels ok ahout doing. Sometimes its really hard to work out what's best for them and balancing all the things like the child's mental health and self esteem.

I can see his dad's WhatsApp has been used, so all OK on the welfare side of things.
It's made me so sad as I hoped they would have a good relationship together. Maybe in a few days they can meet for a walk. This is what I've suggested to his dad. But only if he can keep a lid on his criticism and negative comments.
My poor son is exhausted x

Well done for protecting your son.
My son is 17 now and has had limited contact with his dad (and step-mother) since he was 11.
He has thrived.
A friend helped me see things clearly years ago when she pointed out that you might leave your child with someone who parents differently to you - which is almost inevitable when parents split up - but you can't leave your child with someone you don't trust to look after them, even if that's their dad.

You have done the right thing I had a critical and controlling mother unfortunately supported by my dad I didn’t want to live with them as a child , the first time she said something to me that was complimentary I was 32