DH stresses me out so much

[Youdidntseemehere]

My DH has trouble staying calm in everyday life. For example, this morning the boiler decided to pack in and he couldn't get it to work as one of the switches is jammed off. He starts slamming doors and storming around the house in frustration while trying to fix it. I feel that he gets overwhelmingly stressed and will then end up breaking other things in the process. He is also like this with work but manages to avoid conflict with colleagues by storming around the house instead. I know his anger is not directed at me necessarily but it gives me so much anxiety and I almost feel I've done something wrong by the way he acts. I have told him how it feels and he basically responded that not everything is about you and I'm just stressed. Anyone else's partner like this and how do you deal with it?

It’s abusive as it’s scary and he’s acting like you’re obliged to be a dustbin of his big nasty feelings and his unwillingness to express them like an adult. My ex was like this. I divorced him.

You’ve told him you don’t like it and how it upsets you and he doesn’t care. He doesn’t behave like that with other people because he knows it’s unacceptable. He does it to you because he thinks you don’t deserve better. I don’t say that to be unkind, I’ve been there. No amount of reasoning with him helped because he felt he had a right to lash out like an angry toddler and his dad had been worse.

That describes my first husband to a tee. I left him.

I’m happy for you but it’s a really shitty unkind way of putting it. Do you feel it’s helpful to OP who’s struggling to come on her thread and be so smug?

"Not everything is about you and I'm just stressed" is not an appropriate response to you telling him you feel scared when he bangs around the house breaking things.

His behaviour is abusive, OP, both in terms of the way he expresses his anger and disregarding your feelings.

You didn't write it that way though. The tone was "sucks to be you - glad I don't have to put up with this shit". Not particularly kind or helpful.

Both my father and my mother were like this. It's awful, it makes you walk on eggshells, your heart sinks the minute anything even looks like going wrong, because you know it's all going to kick off, and it's so bloody unconstructive - nothing like making a bad situation worse!

Mine does this. Everything is a drama, and then I feel that somehow it's because of me. It isn't. He is so highly strung, it's like my body is filling with cortisol whenever he's around. He's just been away for five days, leaving me to deal with everything at home, two kids, prom for my eldest which led to a lot of emotional need from him, but it was all so much easier to do on my own. As soon as he walked back in the door it's like a black cloud has descended. I'm dealing with it by finding a way to tell him we're done. Are you wanting to get him to change OP? Do you think he's capable of listening to you and your needs and working to reduce the stress level in the house? Or are you just at the end of your tether?

I don’t like how everyone’s first response is leave. It seems like a strange knee jerk reaction. OPs hubby is clearly not managing his stress effectively and needs help. There’s probably a ton of things on his mind. A marriage partnership is about helping one another through these situations even when it becomes a drag. For all we know an anti anxiety script from a doctor could solve everything

@loriginale Thanks - I can see others points but I don't think you meant it in that way and I'm not offended! Also no we don't have kids, we are thinking about TTC but stuff like this is making me hesitant to have a child feeling on edge so he really needs to address it.

@mbosnz definitely, thats how I feel, sorry that you grew up in that environment with both parents too, must have been hard.

@WinkyTinky Sorry you're in the same sort of situation. I know what you mean by house load feeling easier on your own although don't currently have kids to factor in. I'm glad it's not just me as I am wondering if I just internalise stuff too much and take it personally? But it does really make me feel on edge when something goes wrong and it's out of my control to sort. If I said anything about the boiler right now, his response would be "well you go and fix it then". I would love for him to change but not sure if he can, he's just so angry when anything goes wrong.

As a grown adult, why can't he manage his own bloody stress, or seek out solutions to enable him to do so? Everyone has a ton of things on their mind, it's not unique to him! His response clearly indicates that he doesn't have a problem with how he behaves when something goes wrong, and certainly doesn't care about how it impacts on those around him.

OP, I definitely wouldn't have kids with him until he's learned to manage his big feelings without impacting detrimentally on those around him. Or to put it more succinctly, grown the hell up.

we are thinking about TTC

Please do not do this.

My ex-partner was like your husband and it was awful. It's frightening and abusive. If he can't manage his stress like a functional adult, without taking it out on you and making you feel like shit every time, he is going to be an appalling father. Seriously. If you have a baby, do you really want to be stuck in a house with a man who storms around the house slamming doors and shouting because of the stress when the baby won't stop screaming, instead of staying calm and trying to be supportive? Do you want to have a child who grows up scared of their father's angry moods every time something goes mildly wrong?

I didn't have kids with my ex, but I did see the impact of his behaviour on his son, and it wasn't good.

(Also, FWIW, eventually the slamming doors and storming around the house escalated into smashing things and eventually into domestic violence.)

Here's the thing: when something stressful happens, you need to be around someone who tries to make things better, not worse. It's bad enough when (eg) the boiler breaks down or your holiday gets cancelled or the house gets burgled or whatever - being around someone who adds that misery with their behaviour is the absolute pits.

Honestly, I would end this relationship. It would be awful to have a baby with him, properly awful. There's literally nothing more stressful than a baby, and he's going to make you and his child miserable.

@Youdidntseemehere my dad was like that and I hated it and still feel anxious when anyone acts that way. Ex FIL too, and then everyone either runs around trying to placate him or just sits silently and awkward.

Things go wrong, that's just life. I'm a single parent of four (well two young adults in the mix) and can't involve my dad in much because he gets so stressed. One child has additional needs and things go wrong or don't go to plan all the bloody time, but I just have to roll with it. Re-plan, do things differently next time or just give up on that for the day. I have to either send dad home or we leave if we are around and things turn to shit for whatever reason. I'd really hate for that to be my partner and my reality every day.

@KreedKafer god you're right. I also know that I change my behaviour to try and avoid conflict where I can and when things go wrong externally, I have to try and placate things and not make it any worse. Any you're right, a baby is probably the most stressful thing we could go through and not sure how he would handle it.

@TealSapphire You're right actually as I can think of an occasion where he did this sort of behaviour in front of his parents and siblings and I thought, why are they not saying anything to him? They just stood and let him effectively have an angry tantrum and it made me think maybe he's not in the wrong but now looking back, it's more likely they have just learned to shut up and not say anything.

For all we know an anti anxiety script from a doctor could solve everything

It won't. HTH.

A marriage partnership is about helping one another through these situations

But he isn't doing that for the OP. He's making every stressful situation into something worse than it is. A marriage partnership is indeed about supporting each other - it isn't, however, about one person constantly having to soothe and placate the other person while their own feelings are ignored.

He isn't managing his stress effectively, but the OP can't do that for him. She has explained how upsetting it is, but he's just dismissed her and implied that she's selfish. He doesn't want to manage his stress effectively, and he doesn't give a shit about the stress he is placing on his wife. He controls his stress at work, then takes out his anger on her, and he doesn't care that it upsets her.

He may well have 'a ton of things on his mind'. We all do. I'm guessing the OP does as well. That doesn't give anyone the right to behave like a complete cunt.

This is a man who storms around the house breaking things and scaring his wife. And it isn't a one-off, it's a regular occurrence.

And when his wife tells him it scares her, instead of reflecting on his behaviour and apologising, he says "Not everything is about you" and makes her feel like she's the one in the wrong.

Aside from his inability to control his rage, the complete lack of empathy and disregard for your spouse's feelings is a pretty good reason to leave.

Anyone who knows anything about domestic violence and abuse, knows that after objects, it's people. He's one step away from transferring his anger to her.

How can you justify NOT advising OP to leave or at least seriously re-evaluate the relationship in this situation?

A knee jerk reaction would be advising it after one incidence. But this is OP's life, day in and day out. And she doesn't have any responsibility to "help" someone who is basically being abusive.

OP, please don't bring a child into this. It will not go well for any of you.

just to offer another perspective… my DH can be like this and is from time to time. However, when I talk to him about it he is apologetic, remorseful and usually stops doing it. After a time it sometimes slips but we converse and things get better. My logical view is that he hasn’t been taught how to deal with stress or his feelings so is learning and I give him grace. However if he didn’t acknowledge the impact it had on me and dc and do better then that would be a different matter. Time for a serious conversation with your DH op.

He sounds like my abusive ex. Kids generally make life a lot more stressful, there's less sleep, less time to relax, less money, more to do, more to cope with. It will only get worse.

A marriage is a partnership yes.

But it’s not a situation where women are here to mother their partner so they learn how to control their emotions/stress. They should have learnt that as a child/teen. It’s certainly not the OP role to coax him into behaving.

Beside that, in that particular case, the only person who can do anything g is him anyway.
If needs ADs, then it’s him who should 1- decide he needs them and 2- make an appointment to see tte GP.
If he needs counselling or training around not becoming violent, again, it’s up to him.
Because there is no way any of that will be productive if he isn’t fully on board and WANTS to sort out his behaviour.

The OP has been clear to him of how his behaviour negatively impacts her. He doesn’t care and is telling her it’s her fault anyway for taking it personally.
Do you really need any more proof he doesn’t care about her abd her feelings? That he doesn’t think his behaviour is wrong? That he isn’t taking any responsibility in the situation?

Breaking household items, no matter who they belong to is abusive, because it feels very threatening to others who share your home.

Shouting and screaming is also abusive & threatening.

Op admitted that her husband saves his temper from work until he is home, so he is aware that it is unacceptable behaviour that wouldn't be tolerated at work, and that he could get fired for it.

People say leave because that is often times the only way to make it stop.

Op has "so much anxiety" because of his behaviour, so it's also probable that she has adjusted her own behaviour in order to not "set him off" (not that it would be her fault) so she is walking on eggshells around him.

@Youdidntseemehere, this isn't going to improve, so at least for now, please put your TTC plans on hold as abusive people escalate and pregnancy is very often a time when they do so.

The important question is: is the behaviour changing?

Because apologies without change are meaningless.